The infamous double standard, clear boundaries, and an all out rant

This week has not been good to me. I’ve usually got a lot of positive and sweet things to say to the world but I’m having a lot of trouble this time.

The reason comes to me in the form of double standards, lack of boundary definition and my openness and free-spirited sexuality being used against me on more than one occasion. Well, not quite, the biggest problem for me is that when people hear about this, the first thing they try to do is to explain to me, rather patiently, that if I had not been so free and open about things, this wouldn’t have happened to me. it is not always men who do this either. I have had it happen with women as well.

First off, if a person gives me very clear boundaries, things like “no, I am not interested” and “i am engaged to such-and-such and monogamous,” you know, that sort of thing, well, I tend *not* to flirt with them, to tease them, hell, even when they tease me even a little bit, I won’t push back on principle. i have a lot of people in my circles who can confirm this about me. my very strict code of ethics prevents me from doing this.

If I don’t get that no and the conversation has become sexual somehow and there is banter, well, I won’t know that they don’t want it if they don’t tell me. I feel very hurt when I find out that someone didn’t give clear boundaries and are saying that I sexually harrassed them. i never want to use my openness or sexual freedom as a free pass to harm someone else.

It hurts more when it is someone who has been nothing but nice to me and for whom I have had feelings. Why would I hurt someone for whom I feel love, for whom, if someone were hurting them, I would go all mama bear? I wouldn’t do that. It’s as simple as that.

I also find it awful when a group of people, mostly men in this case, will talk about what they did with some girl at a big event, the blowjobs, the passing her around, the fact that she’ll do anything, hell, they even insult each other with “I just finished being blown by your Mum and she loves ass to mouth” but if I am to say that I wish I were being passed around like that, that I would play with everyone there right now, that I like being bathed in spend, just normal things for me given the topic being discussed already, that I am being inappropriate. I don’t understand this logic and I don’t subscribe to it.

Yes, I am a lot more sexual than a lot of people I know. I am a cis woman, fat and also blind. Maybe that’s not everyone’s aesthetic but it does not mean that I have less of a right than my cis male counterparts to an enjoyment of these things. They might even enjoy it more because I am not just going through the motions like some people would.

I want to be treated equally, not better, not more priveleged, not given a free pass to not be ethical, just to be treated the same way and for people to communicate their needs with me. I’m here to give love, not to hurt or harm anyone, no matter who it is.

The fact that we still have to have these conversations in 2018 makes me feel very tired, run-down and sad.

One Reply to “The infamous double standard, clear boundaries, and an all out rant”

  1. there a lot here I can certainly relate to. particularly about the consent and the boundaries and being jenuin about such things. if I’m communicating with somebody particularly when messaging them, I can acknowledge that they might be in a relationship or they are but when they say they don’t mind me messaging them or it doesn’t worry them how much I always feel inwardly that I’m messaging too much and it’s an issue. I’m extremely anal about personal space and boundaries along with consent in particular displays of affection. I’m unsure what constitutes flirtatious behaviour or words so avoid it because we now live in an eera where people are very quick to cry sexual harassment when there are some behaviours that are often times in a person’s nature and one can’t always change a person’s nature and if being affectionate is in a person’s overall nature what can one do about that? People can use terms of endearment towards me but I refuse to use them in return and I guess sometimes people don’t always like to convey to me that I’m too close as they don’t always want to hurt my feelings. I know I have a tendency to be a little too touchy feely and people have concerns that this might turn into a habbit. My mother has said to me that if I get too touchy feely it’s an easy way to lose friends. I guess this is true but what my mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her and if I ask for consent then that’s between myself and said person and my mother doesn’t need to know. Another thing my mother will say to me if I ever ponder thoughts of a possible relationship down the track don’t worry about the girlfriend just have friends who are girls and in a way she’s right but I’m sick and tired of isolating myself and I know I need to try and change things as easy as it sounds. the other thing on consent is if I ask for consent to touch for example, and the person says “I don’t care” that to me is not a straight answer it’s either got to be “sure go for it or no I’m not comfortable with that” but people can easily say yes when their body language may say otherwise.

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