I was just casually reading my email last Thursday night in bed when I found the message thatI had received one of the scholarships to go to Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in Washington DC.
First, I was shocked. Like I really understand how those women feel when they get told they have won $1000 and they scream. I had never had that before like that so yeah, I understand it now.
Then I was worried. How am I going to finance this? The scholarship is $500 to put towards going and it was the difference between whether I would or wouldn’t go but there is more than that to spend on mostly the flights which cost twice that. My Mum has been a huge help and part of the money she gave me went on my actual conference ticket which was also half price thanks to the scholarship. Also a friend paid for my flight so I can pay her in bits and she has half the cost already.
The next thing I felt was excitement. After I knew that things were going to work out flight and ticket wise, I finally allowed myself a little bit of excitement. I started telling people. Reactions went from jubilation to “what is that”. Being able to tell people and to be rewarded for my passion for sex after the horror of the last weeks felt vindicating I can tell you.
When the celebratory feelings died down however, I started feeling anxious. I often miss social cues and there have been times when my exuberance was mistaken for aggression or my intensity and openness for predation. I don’t want to be seen as *that* girl, the one who can’t take no for an answer. That isn’t me and never will be me. But what if people can’t explain things and I end up accidentally upsetting or hurting people? What if a moment of being unfiltered will trigger someone? I want to show love, to play with people who understand, to finally be understood as the passionate, open, sexual person that I am. What if that falls flat even among sex geeks? Then there are the blindy issues. What about assistance on the flight or at the airport? What about getting to the summit from the 34 mile 60 km away airport I had to choose because it was cheaper? Will someone help me or do I have to get a taxi? What if I don’t realise because of not being able to read nametags or see other things that someone didn’t want to be recorded or didn’t want to interact? What if something happens and my little tiny budget runs out and I have to pay someone back because I ran out of money for food?
Those are the feelings that have been running around in my head all of this week. i have had people assure me that it will be fine, that I’ve got this, that I will have help, but I don’t know what to expect. I’ve never been to the US and it’s a completely new experience. I have also had people say they will remind me to find out about whether people want to be recorded or not which helps me a lot. I’ve been reminded I don’t have to do everything myself. It’s nice to be shown that too, since a lot of the time, it feels like I have to be responsible for so much.
I hope to be able to tweet a lot while I am there and I will be taking a Zoom H1 with me, possibly with binaurals, and lots of batteries as wel as my phone and the Zoom IQ6 microphone. Hopefully that will be enough in terms of recording equipment.
I am also promoting my music in my non-toybox life as well as letting people know about my buy me a coffee link because though a generous friend paid for my flight for me so I would have it, I am paying her back and the whole scholarship went towards paying for half of that flight. Sucks to not live in the US for this kind of thing.
Well, this post has been longer than I thought it would be but I will definitely write more when I know what’s happening. I will probably write notes when there to write a huuuuge post when I come home but this will have to suffice until that time.