Some Slightly Embarrassing Knowledge Gaps

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for a wonderful weekend to meet people in what I call my non-toybox life. These are friends with whom I have conversed or who I know personally but with whom I use my real name and who know me from other sources outside of the sex blogging community. We were able to sing, I cooked home-made hot chips for everyone and there was lots and lots of snuggle time. I even experienced what it was like to vape some canabis.

One of these wonderful people is a man of colour. He is the partner of a lovely, very heartful friend I have known for just over five years online but was able to meet on this trip as well. He hosted the other five of us at his apartment which is no mean feat considering he had never done this before.

Anyway, I digress. Due to never having seen, there are huge gaps in my knowledge of what people or things look like and I was able to fill a couple of these gaps while with this wonderfully tolerant group of people. One of these new experiences was afro hair.

Both of them were very excited to show me what this felt like and as they are also blind, it wasn’t awkward like it could have been. He took my hand, put it on his head and I was transported to a magical place where I had never been before. So springy! So soft! So stimtastic!! I stroked, bounced with my hand, ran my fingers through it, my goodness it was an amazing experience.

He wasn’t upset or mad or anything like that because he’s been there and understands that when you can’t see, there are going to be gaps in your knowledge.

The next one could have been trickier and I would never have asked, simply because I respect boundaries but his girlfriend told me that I had to touch his penis, just so that I would know what it felt like. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn’t want to upset either of them and I made sure I asked him if it was OK and he was alright with it so she took my hand and showed me and yes, it was a lot bigger than I had seen in quite a while. I was a little bit fascinated and found myself moving my hand by reflex before I stopped but I understood what everyone was talking about now that the gap in my knowledge had been filled.

There are truly times where I feel like these knowledge gaps are out to betray me because these are things that everyone can see but because I have never had contact in any way, I feel out of my depth when people talk about them. It’s like the world understands the big joke and I am left asking what happened. I am often scared when I know that this sort of knowledge gap is coming because my reaction will be an honest one when I finally know what it is. I try to ease this kind of awkwardness by asking people who are good at describing things to tell me about what they know but nothing will prepare me for a lot of what I will experience.

I also get very nervous that said gaps are going to come back and bite me, making me look more insensitive and ignorant than I want to be. This, alas, has happened to me more times than I can count. It’s awful for the person or people concerned, me having made some kind of social blunder, but believe me, it’s just as awful for me because hurting someone is the last thing I want in the world. I’ve even had shutdowns and burst into tears, feeling like the times when I was a helpless teenager, just scared that every next thing I say will cause someone else pain. It takes a lot of strength for me to come out of that mindset.

When I can think again after such moments, I will usually ask someone for help, someone who understands me and also the situation. I am so often more than hyper aware but at other times, totally clueless until these things are pointed out to me.

I think that discrepancy is the hardest of everything for me to manage, because it isn’t predictable what I will know and what I won’t and even now, in my late 30s, I still get caught out.

2 Replies to “Some Slightly Embarrassing Knowledge Gaps”

  1. a very interesting post! and, it’s one I can certainly relate to. I was seeing a woman for at least close to 2 years. I met her in a workshop to do with friendships and building of relationships called up close and personal. She had shown an interest in me and was considering a possible relationship with me although I was reluctant to commit. When she came to my house for the very first time it was around 11pm or a little after. We had a cup of tea each then sat side by side on the couch and she was more than happy for me to see what she looked like by touch or by feel and she had no issues as to where I went. Being that the rule of thumb when it comes to touch along with exchanging of consent I tend to stay above the shoulders and feel the face a lot of the time. This young lady had expressly said to me although I often feel that she might have been saying one thing but that I felt that what she was saying was so as not to hurt my feelings and go crook at me but I took her word for it. Once we’d gotten to know each other better she would start putting my hand between her legs although I was a bit concerned at what was going on as I know and have known for years not to go there and I myself don’t like to speak up and feel that sometimes I’m too nice to say anything so as not to offend. Later on the question that popped into my mind as she had told me privately that her grandfather had molested her as a child and when talking to another friend last year I mentioned this to her and she said that if somebody has been molested in their past they are often too consenting because a paedophile teaches a person to continually say yes that this is second nature to them and they don’t know how to say no which to me begged the question as to whether alarm bells should have been ringing and when. I will confess that for years I have been known to be a little too touchy feely and there are times it becomes a habbit or I’ve been told not to let it get that way and that it’s an easy way to lose friends so I avoid touch if I possibly can unless I get to know the person first. Another instance worth sharing is on the subject of a woman’s baby bump when pregnant. Not sure if this is only true with children or whether true with adults too but the majority of the time now I see it as true for children mostly but to feel a woman’s pregnant belly is often times by invitation only particularly if one is known to that woman and for a period of time particularly and where mutual trust has long since been established. I was at a wedding reception recently and a lady who was sitting on my right side was pregnant. I didn’t know this until my mother pointed it out by asking how much longer until the baby was born. That was a huge gap in my knowledge right there and I wasn’t going to ask if I could feel this lady’s baby bump simply because I didn’t know her well and with my parents around they have often tried to discourage me from touching especially when I’m at gatherings or out with others not that touch for me intends to be habitual but I hate having that pep talk ahead of going out and before I exit the car. I feel awkward asking for consent. Somewhat shy when I’m not even shy by nature. I’m not going to say I’ve been sheltered by any means but I do understand that my parents are protective of me and they don’t want to see me in trouble. If I interact with somebody with the intention of meeting them face to face later on, I’ve taken to letting them know about the whole subject of touch so that they’re not freaked out and even if I have consent I’m worried that somebody will find out somehow even if my parents aren’t there with me and it’s why I don’t believe in confidentiality or confiding in people because nothing’s private in this day and age and even if it is private somebody’s going to find out somehow.

    1. Hi Kyle,

      I understand what you were saying about people who have been assaulted and consent but this lady was not being made to do things with you if she took your hand and put it places. The only thing I would have been worried about is that she didn’t ask you if you wanted it. Generally, if someone does that sort of thing, it menas they want you to do things with them and have expressly given their consent.

      As for the baby bump, yes, I have had similar experiences. It is sad that people have done everything they can to quell you and I hope that you can make up for that when by yourself.

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