So I had a very disastrous playtime earlier this week. One of the things I was accused of was being inhibited because I don’t use swearwords to describe what I want sexually. This got me thinking as these things usually do.
The first thing I need to say is that a lot of why things were disastrous was because the person I was playing with is very new to kink and I didn’t do Kink 101 with him so definitely my bad. If I had, one of the things I would have explained is that to me, swearwords are too abbrasive and painful and they don’t add to my talking dirty experience in any way but to make it less enjoyable. When I say “painful”, I mean neurologically. It’s not about trauma or shame or anything like that. The words just do not taste good in my mouth and don’t sound hot in my ears.
I love talking dirty. I have a very filthy mind and thinking about what I want to do to my play partners and whatI want done to me, saying all of this, expressing it, gives me 70% of my complete sexual reaction. The thing is, the words I use and want used on me are not the same as those that are often used in mainstream sexual culture. “I want to stick my hot hard cock in your very wet pussy and fuck you until we come” just leaves me feeling absolutely nothing whereas something like “I want to hold you down, show you I own you, take possession, fill you up and breed you with my spend” is going to get the juices flowing a lot more completely.
My name/appelation kink complicates things even further. You could do a scene with that kink alone and it would leave me a hot writhing mess simply because I have to beg to be allowed to call someone by a name that is unique to that person. It could be Sir/Mistress or Daddy, or it could be, like with one of the people I have feelings for right now, a word that has no sexual meaning if used in the context for which it was made but when I use it in relation to this person, makes me the quintessential hot mess. They are still bemused about the fact that when I say this word to them, I am basically creating my own feedback loop with myself getting higher and higher on the road to subspace and orgasms.
It always pays to find out what a person’s “dirty words” are. If you learn how to use them correctly, you can have situations like with me where you could say a seemingly inocuous sentence in a supermarket which is extremely filthy to your play partner and they have to try to remain neutral in face or voice. This is useful in humiliation play and can be one of the best types of mind games ever.
If you do end up in a situation where your words and the words of your play partner conflict, maybe try yours one day, theirs the next, alternate whose playtime it is. This can help to isolate scenes from each other and also from out of scene time. Either way, always check to see what works for whom, even if you have to create lists together to do this. It will pay off many times over if this whole side of kink is worked out first. Now, maybe it’s time for me to see if I can put these practices into place for my somewhat lopsided situation.