The amazing News I Got Last Week and my Feelings About It

I was just casually reading my email last Thursday night in bed when I found the message thatI had received one of the scholarships to go to Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in Washington DC.

First, I was shocked. Like I really understand how those women feel when they get told they have won $1000 and they scream. I had never had that before like that so yeah, I understand it now.

Then I was worried. How am I going to finance this? The scholarship is $500 to put towards going and it was the difference between whether I would or wouldn’t go but there is more than that to spend on mostly the flights which cost twice that. My Mum has been a huge help and part of the money she gave me went on my actual conference ticket which was also half price thanks to the scholarship. Also a friend paid for my flight so I can pay her in bits and she has half the cost already.

The next thing I felt was excitement. After I knew that things were going to work out flight and ticket wise, I finally allowed myself a little bit of excitement. I started telling people. Reactions went from jubilation to “what is that”. Being able to tell people and to be rewarded for my passion for sex after the horror of the last weeks felt vindicating I can tell you.

When the celebratory feelings died down however, I started feeling anxious. I often miss social cues and there have been times when my exuberance was mistaken for aggression or my intensity and openness for predation. I don’t want to be seen as *that* girl, the one who can’t take no for an answer. That isn’t me and never will be me. But what if people can’t explain things and I end up accidentally upsetting or hurting people? What if a moment of being unfiltered will trigger someone? I want to show love, to play with people who understand, to finally be understood as the passionate, open, sexual person that I am. What if that falls flat even among sex geeks? Then there are the blindy issues. What about assistance on the flight or at the airport? What about getting to the summit from the 34 mile 60 km away airport I had to choose because it was cheaper? Will someone help me or do I have to get a taxi? What if I don’t realise because of not being able to read nametags or see other things that someone didn’t want to be recorded or didn’t want to interact? What if something happens and my little tiny budget runs out and I have to pay someone back because I ran out of money for food?

Those are the feelings that have been running around in my head all of this week. i have had people assure me that it will be fine, that I’ve got this, that I will have help, but I don’t know what to expect. I’ve never been to the US and it’s a completely new experience. I have also had people say they will remind me to find out about whether people want to be recorded or not which helps me a lot. I’ve been reminded I don’t have to do everything myself. It’s nice to be shown that too, since a lot of the time, it feels like I have to be responsible for so much.

I hope to be able to tweet a lot while I am there and I will be taking a Zoom H1 with me, possibly with binaurals, and lots of batteries as wel as my phone and the Zoom IQ6 microphone. Hopefully that will be enough in terms of recording equipment.

I am also promoting my music in my non-toybox life as well as letting people know about my buy me a coffee link because though a generous friend paid for my flight for me so I would have it, I am paying her back and the whole scholarship went towards paying for half of that flight. Sucks to not live in the US for this kind of thing.

Well, this post has been longer than I thought it would be but I will definitely write more when I know what’s happening. I will probably write notes when there to write a huuuuge post when I come home but this will have to suffice until that time.

The low down on my crushes and the feels that surround them

For those who see me talk about certain people on my twitter feed and are like “huh? What the actual?”, this is the time and place where people get to find out what is actually going on.

A little while back, I realised that I had eight people for whom I had intense feelings. It was a weird thought but I did write it all down and code-name them so that ifI want to write about them on twitter, I can. Since then, some awful stuff has happened and that number has been cut by a good dealbut the ones I have left, well, I can talk about them and about what happened.

My Little

I’ve had my little since May last year. We knew each other as kids but drifted apart. We got close again and now have a wonderful mother-baby boy dynamic that suits us well. It’s loose so no titles other than the ones above. We see each other in person probably about 3 to 4 times a year.

Mr. Parallel Universe

I started talking to him because of a group of geeky people I know from my personal twitter. We always got on well and sent each other wonderful hot sounds but he was a full-time carer and I felt that if I tried too hard to get his affections, it would be disrespectful towards the person for whom he was caring. Said person has since passed and a few months later, this yummy man decided to play a silly game on twitter where you dm a number and they express sexual and romantic interest in you. Well his romantic interest in me was an 8 out of 10!!! i was really overwhelmed because I couldn’t imagine that someone so hot could ever see me that way. We tend to cross like ships in the night a lot and there isn’t a dynamic yet, hell, we haven’t even met in person yet, but the feelings are definitely still there on my side. He has his name because when I first started talking to him, I said that I loved him in a parallel universe. Now, that universe doesn’t have to be parallel but he still carries that name if I want to refer to him without saying his name to people.

Anxious Furry

I met this delightful man on IRC in a safe place for poly people like me. My best friend’s ex told me the channel to go to and my friend said she had talked to this man and said he was nice. Because of that, I thought OK, maybe we will be able to get along. He has a very hot voice, a really yummy name, is military and so sweet that even Baklava can’t compete and that’s saying something. He is very shy, very anxious about a lot of things, but he trusts me so far and I’m happy to help him where I can. He calls me “hun” in this suuuuper sweet way and he knows what to do with words. We are not dating right now as per both of our agreement. He has military stuff to do and I have the move to make back to Perth. I said that he could ask me to date when we have finished our stuff and he said he would probably lose his nerve so I said that when my move was done and everything sorted out for that, that I would ask him if it were OK to date and we could be friends before and after if he says no. He said that was fine and dating would depend on consent from his other partners. The relationship would be a comet situation as neither of us want to move but I would be OK with mututal visits if that were how things would turn out.

Mr. Infosec

Firstly, His handle that he uses is the hottest thing ever. It trips my name/appelation kink in the biggest of ways. I left this situation till last. This person, I also met on IRC but in a different place. He got my attention by being trolly in a way that tripped my submissive humiliation triggers in huge ways. I caught him out playing a prank and we would message each other about music and he gave me wonderful links to documentaries and songs and he would talk to me in this dismissive way that would piss most people off but it always gave me wet panties. His views are so different to mine in a lot of ways. He is also military and he’s a geeky hacker type person, all things which I love. He is wonderful at describing vids so I understand what’s going on and he has a smile in his voice that makes you think he’s always up to something. Our situation is quite strange. He has this two week cycle thing going on where he goes dark and then comes back about every two weeks. We haven’t met in person yet and a lot of the time, it looks like we are fighting but a mutual friend says to me that he is better for knowing me. I hope this is true as I would like to think I make someone’s life better. There are a number of things we need to talk about and sort out as far as logistics go and even kink and relationship styles. We are strictly speaking, very unsuitable, but if we can sort this, we can deal with most things. He inspires me to be creative and that’s a good thing right?

There are two others for whom I have lots of wonderful feelings but we have spoken and agreed that friendship is better for our situations. Because we talked about it and I know what’s going on, things are perfect even though a lot of people say being friends isn’t as good as being lovers. One of these people even stipulated that being friends does not mean playtime is out an dthat’s wonderful for me. The other one is in love with someone who makes his life interesting like Mr. Infosec does with me but in a different way and we talk and console each other when needed.

So that’s a wrap. Maybe my twitter will be a little more demystified after you read this.

Reflections

It has taken a while but I am finally getting to a point where the mess of a couple of weeks ago isn’t so painful. I hope that it isn’t one of those situations where if I relax, the next hammer falls on my head but as I have done all I can to fix what was possible, keep away from those who feel it necessary to put me in my place in their eyes, maybe I can start to feel safe again.

I won’t lie. That really was a blow to my self-confidence because it always hurts to find out that there are people who want to be hurtful. If I am hurtful, it is either because I don’t realise or because someone has hurt me or mine first and it would be dangerous to be nice to them but that second situation is so seldom. It takes me time to realise that someone is doing something to be hurtful and it shocks me every time, even though as an adult, it really shouldn’t.

There have been good things that have happened which have helped. There are new toys about which I really should do reviews, people I have spoken to about reviews I would like to do for their companies, getting to know new people and finding out that some I know have my back, lots and lots of virtual playtime, many things to be grateful for which have slowly put me on the road to becoming myself again.

I know this is a very rambly post but sometimes, it just feels good to put my thoughts down and hope that someone may get something out of what results.

The infamous double standard, clear boundaries, and an all out rant

This week has not been good to me. I’ve usually got a lot of positive and sweet things to say to the world but I’m having a lot of trouble this time.

The reason comes to me in the form of double standards, lack of boundary definition and my openness and free-spirited sexuality being used against me on more than one occasion. Well, not quite, the biggest problem for me is that when people hear about this, the first thing they try to do is to explain to me, rather patiently, that if I had not been so free and open about things, this wouldn’t have happened to me. it is not always men who do this either. I have had it happen with women as well.

First off, if a person gives me very clear boundaries, things like “no, I am not interested” and “i am engaged to such-and-such and monogamous,” you know, that sort of thing, well, I tend *not* to flirt with them, to tease them, hell, even when they tease me even a little bit, I won’t push back on principle. i have a lot of people in my circles who can confirm this about me. my very strict code of ethics prevents me from doing this.

If I don’t get that no and the conversation has become sexual somehow and there is banter, well, I won’t know that they don’t want it if they don’t tell me. I feel very hurt when I find out that someone didn’t give clear boundaries and are saying that I sexually harassed them. i never want to use my openness or sexual freedom as a free pass to harm someone else.

It hurts more when it is someone who has been nothing but nice to me and for whom I have had feelings. Why would I hurt someone for whom I feel love, for whom, if someone were hurting them, I would go all mama bear? I wouldn’t do that. It’s as simple as that.

I also find it awful when a group of people, mostly men in this case, will talk about what they did with some girl at a big event, the blowjobs, the passing her around, the fact that she’ll do anything, hell, they even insult each other with “I just finished being blown by your Mum and she loves ass to mouth” but if I am to say that I wish I were being passed around like that, that I would play with everyone there right now, that I like being bathed in spend, just normal things for me given the topic being discussed already, that I am being inappropriate. I don’t understand this logic and I don’t subscribe to it.

Yes, I am a lot more sexual than a lot of people I know. I am a cis woman, fat and also blind. Maybe that’s not everyone’s aesthetic but it does not mean that I have less of a right than my cis male counterparts to an enjoyment of these things. They might even enjoy it more because I am not just going through the motions like some people would.

I want to be treated equally, not better, not more priveleged, not given a free pass to not be ethical, just to be treated the same way and for people to communicate their needs with me. I’m here to give love, not to hurt or harm anyone, no matter who it is.

The fact that we still have to have these conversations in 2018 makes me feel very tired, run-down and sad.

Differences in Talking Dirty

So I had a very disastrous playtime earlier this week. One of the things I was accused of was being inhibited because I don’t use swearwords to describe what I want sexually. This got me thinking as these things usually do.

The first thing I need to say is that a lot of why things were disastrous was because the person I was playing with is very new to kink and I didn’t do Kink 101 with him so definitely my bad. If I had, one of the things I would have explained is that to me, swearwords are too abbrasive and painful and they don’t add to my talking dirty experience in any way but to make it less enjoyable. When I say “painful”, I mean neurologically. It’s not about trauma or shame or anything like that. The words just do not taste good in my mouth and don’t sound hot in my ears.

I love talking dirty. I have a very filthy mind and thinking about what I want to do to my play partners and whatI want done to me, saying all of this, expressing it, gives me 70% of my complete sexual reaction. The thing is, the words I use and want used on me are not the same as those that are often used in mainstream sexual culture. “I want to stick my hot hard cock in your very wet pussy and fuck you until we come” just leaves me feeling absolutely nothing whereas something like “I want to hold you down, show you I own you, take possession, fill you up and breed you with my spend” is going to get the juices flowing a lot more completely.

My name/appelation kink complicates things even further. You could do a scene with that kink alone and it would leave me a hot writhing mess simply because I have to beg to be allowed to call someone by a name that is unique to that person. It could be Sir/Mistress or Daddy, or it could be, like with one of the people I have feelings for right now, a word that has no sexual meaning if used in the context for which it was made but when I use it in relation to this person, makes me the quintessential hot mess. They are still bemused about the fact that when I say this word to them, I am basically creating my own feedback loop with myself getting higher and higher on the road to subspace and orgasms.

It always pays to find out what a person’s “dirty words” are. If you learn how to use them correctly, you can have situations like with me where you could say a seemingly inocuous sentence in a supermarket which is extremely filthy to your play partner and they have to try to remain neutral in face or voice. This is useful in humiliation play and can be one of the best types of mind games ever.

If you do end up in a situation where your words and the words of your play partner conflict, maybe try yours one day, theirs the next, alternate whose playtime it is. This can help to isolate scenes from each other and also from out of scene time. Either way, always check to see what works for whom, even if you have to create lists together to do this. It will pay off many times over if this whole side of kink is worked out first. Now, maybe it’s time for me to see if I can put these practices into place for my somewhat lopsided situation.

The Issues I Have with People Who Flake

I was on twitter just looking at tweets when something caught my ear as it were and gave me the idea for this post.

As a person who will never drive a car in the usual way, I have to use public transport. This is not negotiable. Taxis are expensive and while I will use them if I have to, the default is a bus or a train. The timetables for public transport will not care if something happens. The drivers, the conductors, the transport authority, they don’t care. They have a schedule and keep to it, especially in Germany which prides itself on punctuality.

This in turn means that if I need to catch said public transport, I stick to their schedule. There are no ifs, ands or buts about this. It means I can only leave at a certain time and return up to a certain time, no earlier, no later.

To be clear, I am not hating on people who, for various reasons, can’t make dates or appointments. If you have issues, be it physical or mental ones, that’s just how the world works. the thing is, I don’t have the privelege of being as spontaneous as a lot of people so if a person flakes in such a way that I am stuck because of transport issues, I am going to get mad.

I won’t be able to fix things as quickly and easily as someone who has a car. This is also not just a problem that I have.

If you need to cancel for any reason, make sure that you call in such a time frame that I can plan around it. Give me at least an hour’s warning if possible because sometimes, that’s how long it will take me to get to where you are.

It is, in most cases, not personal from your side. I know this logically. But sometimes, when I have to negotiate a route I don’t know because someone cancels on me, well, I get upset. I get angry. I will probably not plan that kind of date or meet-up and will plan around the possibility of flakiness by default. i will probably plan it so that it happens on my terms, in my safe place so that if the other person bails, it’s not going to be as difficult for me. Things tend to take more time when you have a disability so when someone else makes it so that time or those spoons are used up, yeah, getting mad is a thing.

So please, if you need to postpone things, just let me know in advance. I won’t get mad and I won’t put any of these measures in place if I have enough time and notice.

What I am doing and hope to do to Get to The Sexual Freedom Summit at Woodhull

I am a relatively new blogger, having started in August 2017. I have been blind since birth which gives me a slightly different perspective on everything from sex to travel to accessibility. I also suspect that I am kissing the autism spectrum but there is no piece of paper for that just yet.

I don’t normally post lots of posts but I will be in the next little bit in the hopes that it will help me to get to Woodhull. Here are the things I have done so far and after that, the things I want to do and need some help to make a reality.

What I have done so far:

Blogged very regularly so people will notice me;
been very active on twitter, following, interacting with newand old followers;
educated myself when I need to about social situations and possible goofs;
joined the #BlogSquad workspace on slack via invitation;
applied for the scholarship for marginalised bloggers;
asked for funding help through paypal.me/toyboxhelen and offered self-produced music in return to those who donate.

What I hope to do:

Keep promoting social media and the donation link;
put up sponsored posts of erotic fiction;
do the sponsorship course by Jo Ellen Notte;
write about my experiences at Woodhull on the blog afterwards;
anything else I have forgotten or don’t know about yet.

I am calling those sex toy companies who would be interested. WeVibe, Satisfier, Liberator, byannarae.com, Hot Octopuss, I am talking to you as I know you but if there are any others who would like to join in the fun, here is what I can give you right now given my huge lack of wordpress skills.

I can mention you in my stories by name and website;
I can tweet about you at least once a week until Woodhull, more with a sliding scale to be discussed with you to taylor it to your needs;
wear any murchandise you send when at Woodhull;
feature you in the write-up I do at the end when I come back.

If I total up all of the funds I will need for everything, it will come to about $2000 US on a shoestring, $3000 if given a little slack. That includes return flights from Frankfurt to Washington DC, uber/lift sharing to get to the con, food while at the con, share in room prices, and maybe a little bit of spending money while there if other things are not too expensive.

Well, that was pretty nerve wracking and probably one of the scariest things I have ever written but I’m glad you’ve stayed with me so far and I hope to hear some good news from you soon.

Some Slightly Embarrassing Knowledge Gaps

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for a wonderful weekend to meet people in what I call my non-toybox life. These are friends with whom I have conversed or who I know personally but with whom I use my real name and who know me from other sources outside of the sex blogging community. We were able to sing, I cooked home-made hot chips for everyone and there was lots and lots of snuggle time. I even experienced what it was like to vape some canabis.

One of these wonderful people is a man of colour. He is the partner of a lovely, very heartful friend I have known for just over five years online but was able to meet on this trip as well. He hosted the other five of us at his apartment which is no mean feat considering he had never done this before.

Anyway, I digress. Due to never having seen, there are huge gaps in my knowledge of what people or things look like and I was able to fill a couple of these gaps while with this wonderfully tolerant group of people. One of these new experiences was afro hair.

Both of them were very excited to show me what this felt like and as they are also blind, it wasn’t awkward like it could have been. He took my hand, put it on his head and I was transported to a magical place where I had never been before. So springy! So soft! So stimtastic!! I stroked, bounced with my hand, ran my fingers through it, my goodness it was an amazing experience.

He wasn’t upset or mad or anything like that because he’s been there and understands that when you can’t see, there are going to be gaps in your knowledge.

The next one could have been trickier and I would never have asked, simply because I respect boundaries but his girlfriend told me that I had to touch his penis, just so that I would know what it felt like. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn’t want to upset either of them and I made sure I asked him if it was OK and he was alright with it so she took my hand and showed me and yes, it was a lot bigger than I had seen in quite a while. I was a little bit fascinated and found myself moving my hand by reflex before I stopped but I understood what everyone was talking about now that the gap in my knowledge had been filled.

There are truly times where I feel like these knowledge gaps are out to betray me because these are things that everyone can see but because I have never had contact in any way, I feel out of my depth when people talk about them. It’s like the world understands the big joke and I am left asking what happened. I am often scared when I know that this sort of knowledge gap is coming because my reaction will be an honest one when I finally know what it is. I try to ease this kind of awkwardness by asking people who are good at describing things to tell me about what they know but nothing will prepare me for a lot of what I will experience.

I also get very nervous that said gaps are going to come back and bite me, making me look more insensitive and ignorant than I want to be. This, alas, has happened to me more times than I can count. It’s awful for the person or people concerned, me having made some kind of social blunder, but believe me, it’s just as awful for me because hurting someone is the last thing I want in the world. I’ve even had shutdowns and burst into tears, feeling like the times when I was a helpless teenager, just scared that every next thing I say will cause someone else pain. It takes a lot of strength for me to come out of that mindset.

When I can think again after such moments, I will usually ask someone for help, someone who understands me and also the situation. I am so often more than hyper aware but at other times, totally clueless until these things are pointed out to me.

I think that discrepancy is the hardest of everything for me to manage, because it isn’t predictable what I will know and what I won’t and even now, in my late 30s, I still get caught out.

Review of the large blue Lune from Servant Sex Toys

Have you ever opened a box of chocolates expecting it to be the run of the mill can have a few at a time kind but it ends up being the fancy, only can have one at a time kind? That is what happened when I tried out the large blue Lune from the company Servant Sex Toys.

The company was recommended to me by a friend and the people there couldn’t do enough for me. They talked to me on twitter via dm asking what I needed and wanted and recommended me what they thought I would need based on our conversations. They were ready to bend over backwards to help me and the site was very accessible to use.

Customs here in Europe was a bitch and that’s putting it mildly. The company was from Canada so it was a necessary evil. They asked what was in the package, even had a look. If I didn’t have a huge humiliation kink and a thick skin, well, I know many others who would have been in tears. I also had to pay import tax on it so although the company discounted it for me, the tax took that away, something no one could help but that I would like to tell readers since I don’t want it to bite them the same way.

When I finally got it, I was shocked at the size. The large Lune is 10.25 inches or 26.04 cm long and the maximum girth is 7 inches or 17.78 cm near the base. It looks like an anatomically correct penis but instead of balls, there is a square suction surface where they normally would be. The silicone is soft and it gobbles up water-based lube like you wouldn’t believe. It is also slippery to hold so it it is probably better if someone else controls it or you use the suction on the end to make it stick to something. Otherwise you will keep getting frustrated because it just slips out way too easily.

I tried it both by myself and with someone else helping me. It feels yielding in the right ways and I enjoy having it used on me but it is one of those toys I would use on special occasions with someone else rather than just for myself. I want to relax and let go of everything when using it and that works best with another person. It filled me up nicely and the orgasms I had were similar to those with a live penis, though I didn’t splash and drip as much. Also the one I got was the soft silicone so it’s not as easy to give me those deep hard thrusts that I like sometimes unless you really know what you are doing and can handle that level of slippery.

It really feels like that fancy box of chocolates I alluded to at the beginning.

I would like to thank Servant Sex Toys for giving me the opportunity to review this toy and for making their site so accessible. You can order the large blue Lune from www.servantsextoys.com along with various other toys including ones they will make to order.

Discovering my Non-sexual Kinks

When a friend of mine said that kink can be non-sexual, I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, we hear that kink and sex go together. There’s the undertone you hear about the word “kinky” or the stories like Kushiel’s Dart or Fifty Shades.
Then I met my baby boy and things changed.

This is a wonderful, competent person who adults extremely well. He has a job which gives him a lot of responsibilities but when he’s able to do so, he lives out his identity as an adult baby. I had no idea that there was a place for me in this kink but with him, it works wonderfully from my end. I love to pamper and look after him. The thing is, it’s not sexual for me. We share other things that take up that space. He taps into my geek kink and rocks my world with it. Although we share this kink, it is more emotional and sensory than sexual. It feels right and beautiful and I get a lot out of it.

It gives me a similar rightness to when I have topped for people. i have mostly done that for work but when I have, it’s not been sexual on my end but very liberating. Topping a Sissie Girl, for example, can be very cathartic in that it allows me to let out any aggression I may feel without hurting anyone. I love giving pleasure to someone who wants to be degraded and humiliated because I like it myself and have a bit of an understanding of the other person’s needs.

I have also discovered that I really and I mean really love furries. There’s nothing more fun than roleplaying with a wolf furry or a soft kitty furry. I even wouldn’t have an issue with a baby fur and I have heard that others find that kink creepy. I turn into a puddle of mush when playing games with them and I wish it were real so I could soft out on that luxurious sensory experience that fur would bring to me.

Maybe if the right person were to come along and we had sexy interspecies roleplay fun, it would be interesting and I am not against it but my thing with furries isn’t generally sexual either. It’s the idea of being allowed to stroke such a soft sensory being and take care of them.

I am possibly going to experience some sensual flogging and impact play next week without a sexual component and I will tell how that was but one thing is for certain. I now understand exactly what this friend meant when she said that kink and sex do not have to go hand in hand each and every time.