Giving Thanks from Outside America

As just about everyone knows, it’s Thanksgiving in the states as I write this. Well, Pacific and Mountain time still need to get there but it’s just a technicality.
It’s about time that I gave some thanks for the amazingness which has happened since I started writing this blog just over a year ago.

I am so super thankful to @sugarcunt from the Sugarcunt Writes blog for putting the idea into my mind to start a sex blog. It wasn’t something I had ever thought of doing and I had nothing but a person willing to host and a basic install of WordPress. I just started writing and then so much started to happen.

I am also very grateful to have been able to attend the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in Washington DC in August this year. It was my first trip to the states and I had a wonderful time meeting all of the people and promising to meet those I didn’t get to see this year.

Blogging has also helped me to process my thoughts about everything from my big feelings about crushes to the dissolution of my marriage and a horrible situation from earlier in the year. Writing things down makes it easier to order the happenings and processes in my mind.

Toys!! Did I mention free toys from super well-known companies when on a fixed income? Yeah, there is that too. The amount of stuff I have received and the size of my toybox have increased over the year and a bit I have been a presence here.

I couldn’t write this post though without mentioning the other bloggers who have been super helpful as well as the tips I have received from educators. I am happy to have learnt so many new things and some of them were way out of left field like the experience of PIV not being everything or how sex and kink are not always one and the same.

I can keep going, I could elaborate or wax lyrical for a few more pages but really, this is a gratitude post. The US people want to get back to preparing their turkey dinners and ham glazes.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and that there is as much for them to be grateful for as there is for me. My cup runneth over today.

A Review of the Exposed Nocturnal Bullet by Blush Novelties

I was lucky enough to be given some toys to review when I went to Woodhull earlier this year and one of those was the Exposed Nocturnal Bullet by Blush Novelties.

When you hold it in your hand, it feels like someone took a We-Vibe Tango, upsized it by about a 3rd in all dimensions and added a second button on the bottom for going backwards through the patterns. It also has less of a glossy finish than the Tango.

This little device sure can pack a punch though!! With the size comes some extra power and rumble. This is really good if you want to rock your body but the down side is of course that the hand and fingers can become numb like with the other more powerful bullet vibes the more you use it in one session.

I like to use mine coupled with a dildo for insertion, preferably something that will stay where it’s put and let me squeeze. Lube isn’t an option here, it’s compulsory. I have my trusted pot of The Butters that I also got from Woodhull on my nightstand for easy access. Without that, things start to hurt very quickly.

Another thing I really like about the Exposed Nocturnal Bullet is the price. Provided you are in the US, it will be less expensive than the Tango and does do a great job at providing those wonderful build-up types of orgasms that I love.

You can buy the Exposed Nocturnal Bullet at SheVibe Pleasure Boutique and
Peep Show Toys.

Thanks very much to Blush Novelties for gifting me this toy to review. Affiliate links have been used in this post but my opinion is all my own.

My Experiences with Fidelity

 

This post contains references to non-consentual sexual conduct. If this is a problem, feel free to skip it.

When I was little, I was fed the usual propaganda about what fidelity was. Apparently, you prove your loyalty and love by only having sexual relations with me and no one else. Whatever else you do, however else you treat me, if you do that, it means you’re faithful and loyal to me.

Fast forward to getting married to someone who was very much able to fit this bill. He only did sex things with me and no one else. He would be seen by a huge number of people as being faithful and loyal.

What he didn’t do was to stick up for me with a family who did everything they possibly could to break everything. Everything from steal his money so that I got blamed at first to making sexual overtures towards me to trying to cover up said overtures. When I asked him if he would stay if those sexual overtures had caused a baby, he said he didn’t know. When those overtures happened, I was the one questioned, confronted, all of this, not the family. he even as recently as last year tried to tell me I should see it from his side because he was getting it from both me and his family. I told him that if there had been offspring from the overtures, I would have got it from all sides, not him. I was out of empathy and still am.

Apparently, none of that matters if you prove your love by only doing sex things with the one person. Apparently, that makes it alright.

When I wanted to explore my fantasies, I was told that wouldn’t happen with him, that he felt threatened. So I went to someone else after telling him I would. Apparently, that’s classed as cheating. I also told him after the event what had happened. His response was to push me away because it hurt him. This is when we agreed to take sex out of our marriage.

I have since come out as polyamorous, which should have happened before I got married,when I think about it now, as it is how I have always been. I am so much happier knowing I can love those I choose, that I don’t have to choose at all, that I can love 20 people if I want to and it doesn’t mean I love any one of them less.

Yes, I go to bed with different people, both physically and virtually. I also maintain that I am faithful to every last one of them. I would stick up for them all with my family, have done so when needed.

If I am in a relationship, the partners in question get a check-in every day, get to know with whom I have played both physically and online, are put as partners into my contacts with emergency bypass priveleges, will get my time before non-partners do except when it’s my family. My savings go to funds for visiting them if they are that far away. If they need me, they have me and they have my fidelity.

I have sexy playtime with more than one person all of the time and this does not make me disloyal and it does not make me show a lack of fidelity. The sooner the world understands this, the better things will be.

The Mindsets of Sex and Kink

On the day I write this post, it’s Sunday the 9th of the 9th and I had two incidents that made me think about the same thing so here goes.

Because most of my arousal is a mental thing, I find myself getting hot more about a specific mindset than about acts themselves. This can apply to sex, kink or both.

I have a person I consider a friend. She is into many different things and some I get, some I don’t. The one thing though that stands out to me when I read her snippets or the things that get her going is the mindset and that is what gets me hot too. I’m a little but not into diapers/nappies. I am into humiliation and so is she. It’s a different kind but the root is the same.

There was also a post written by someone else about something completely different. They used words I wouldn’t use, there were references to things I would see as a hard limit but despite that, the story left me a quivering pile of liquid jelly because of the main mindset. In this case, it was emotional masochism.

For some, sex is a physical grunting growling mess. For me, it’s very cerebral and kink even more so.

Names, states of mind, the humiliating feel of being degraded, it’s all a case of mindset and sometimes, the barriers that can cross would be unimaginable if you ddin’t understand that fact.

The Mobile Device Rant

I don’t know how many times I have heard this being said. “Leave your tablet at home” or “let’s make some anti-screen time” or “no mobile phones allowed.” I hear it and my blood boils.

For most people, the smartphone or tablet is just an accessory, a thing you take with you that has movies or your work calendar or those silly games. For me, my mobile phone is a lot more than that. It’s my book reader, my mobility aid, my connection to a pair of eyes when no one else is around to help me see things, my GPS in case I don’t know where I am, and also, my Optical Character Recognition or OCR device, because heaven forbid people braille their menues or leaflets or labels on products.

I have to have my mobile device with me almost everywhere I go, not because I am an internet addict or because I can’t deal with life without screen time. It’s because since the invention of the smartphone, a huge number of apps have been invented for accessibility purposes. AS a blind person, I need apps to help me read documents such as Seeing AI, apps to give me directions like Loadstone GPS or Blindsquare. There are even apps like Aira or Be My Eyes that connect you to a sighted person, eitehr volunteer on BME or paid professional on Aira, that will tell you what is written on things when the OCR apps fail.

When I was coming home from Woodhull earlier this year, I was at the airport, the counter where I checked in was empty of people and I needed to visit the loo. There were also no people around who could have helped. I was so happy to have Aira as I could ring them up, get directions, go to the loo, come back out and go back to my seat and have someone trustworthy help me with all of these things. I couldn’t have done it without my smartphone.

There are people who would argue that there was a time before smartphones and what did people do then. I say they relied on sighted people a lot more than they do now. They just didn’t know about certain things. They did things a lot less independently than they do now. That’s what happened back then.

I’d love to go on an adult holiday. I’d really enjoy going to Desire or something similar. Question is, what’s the deal going to be with the tech that I need to get things done so that I and others like me have more of a level playing field? I’d like to have a good time and have agency and be able to consent freely. I can’t do those things if I have to rely on fellow guests or be seen as that person who needs a staff member around all the time. My tech helps me to have that level of agency and consent. People on their phones or always carrying their tablets are possibly in similar positions. Please ask and don’t assume.

My Thoughts on Hypnosis For the Kink of the Week on Molly’s Daily Kiss

As many of you know, I am hugely into hypnosis, both as a kink and a way to help others. I love to receive it, find hypnotic trance one of the best states ever, and I love to give it as well. There is nothing more wonderful than to know I have helped someone else and I do my best to do that with hypnosis.

Hypnosis Is Not Mind Control!!

In actual fact, you are hypnotising yourself. No one else can hypnotise you, strictly speaking. You are letting the other person guide your journey. It’s like healthy dominance and submission. You give up the control to the person doing the hypnotic induction. You can take it away at any time. That is a similar mindset to the d/s mindset and giving up that control feels sooooo good.

Often, when people think about hypnosis, they either think about being made to cluck like a chicken or do something equally embarrassing or they think it doesn’t work or it’s pendulums and pocket watches. That can happen but it doesn’t have to.

Most of these clichets come from stage hypnosis. Of course the person on the stage wants to make you do funny things. It’s part of the show. They will do suggestability tests and pick the person most likely to take on the suggestions. The people doing these funny things want to do them. They have put themselves in this mindset and like the attention.

The first session before you are even hypnotised, the person doing the hypnotising will talk about it with you, find out what sorts of imagery you like, what makes you react well and badly. The person wants you to be safe so they will do everything to keep things as safe as possible.

Unless otherwise specified, you will remember the whole experience. It’s like sitting on a bus or in a plane, sort of dozing, but you hear everything that’s going on. The only time you don’t remember things is when it’s discussed first.

your subconscious is a wonderful thing. If you have ethical or safety or moral issues with what someone asks you to do, your subconscious will protect you from doing those things. This is why hypnosis isn’t mind control. NO one can make you do something you really do not want to do.

Trance can happen naturally too. You are deeply into a book or a piece of music or a film. You are so far into it that you feel you are experiencing what the book or film or music is saying. It’s not some mysterious unknown state, it just isn’t talked about.

Speaking for myself, I really love being “tranced out” as it were. It’s instant subspace for me. I have sleep triggers and drop as soon as they are used by the right person. I also have some building triggers and there is one in particular that gives me tiny little peaks when used if I am in trance. it gets used outside of trance and builds me up when used that way. I hope that the tiny little peaks will at some point become fully fledged orgasms but there are some trust issues I need to work through first.

I also experience hypnotic algolagnia which means that pain transforms itself into pleasure when I am in trance. I want to experiment more with this as it’s a way where I can get a lot out of impact play. Not only that but it’s helpful when I have to have medical procedures done. If anaesthetic isn’t possible, there is always hypnosis.

Hopefully this sheds some light on one of my favourite ways to experience the world. If people want to see how it feels to be hypnotised, I am able to oblige as I can give as well as receiving. I am a certified hypnotherapist and will treat people with the utmost attention to confidentiality and ethics. You can find more info about this on the area of my blog dedicated to working with me.

Kink of the Week Badge

A Piece of Happy and Exciting News

On Friday, I was sent the email that I have been selected to speak at Eroticon UK in mid March next year. I’ll be talking about Erotic Hypnosis and Differences in Talking Dirty and I can’t wait!!

With the piles of things I have to do before then, I’m a little bit apprehensive but not nearly as much as I was going to Woodhull. For starters, I have the news really early so I can plan for things like sponsorship and payment. This is a huge relief as the Woodhull stuff took a huge toll on my money situation even though I did it pretty cheaply all things considered. For someone on a fixed income and with the burden of an OCD husband asking about every spent penny, that was no mean feat.

I’m looking forward to seeing all of my British fellow bloggers and maybe some from other parts of the world. I’m hoping to get lots of sponsors so I can be one of those who gives out swag this year. I’m also hoping to get ideas for the Australian version a group of us are wanting to put out next September.

Maybe there will be an Eroticon After Dark session as well. That would be a lot of fun. Above all though, I’m hoping to have fun and learn a lot like I did at Woodhull.

This looks like it will be a short post but it’s a first of many and I hope to put out more as the time grows closer.

Love At First Sight

Something many people will want to know about how it is to be blind is “Does love at first sight exist?” The answer: yes it really does but it happens differently.

Generally speaking, a person’s voice is the equivalent of that first look. You hear someone’s voice for the first time and that’s it. Then they just smell right as well as having the perfect voice and then after that, you get to know that their personality just works. Sometimes, you can just feel all of those things very quickly.

Because the voice is often the first thing you know about a new person, there is such a thing as love at first sight over a phone or voice medium and that can be disconcerting for people who don’t realise it exists.

Many of the best and saddest relationships I have had were because of love at first sight. I tend to trust my intuition about them with mixed results. I suppose it’s like that for everyone but I am not sure.

The sexual intensity has varied as well which surprised me. I think though that the reason for that was due to me not realising I needed to list my word triggers and make sure they were used. Now, whether it be love at first sight or a play partner, I do that regardless and things are so much better in both cases.

It has also happened with me and not the other person before. My brain has tricked me in those situations too because it sees things that either aren’t there or that the other person doesn’t see. I’ve often got to be on my guard when that happens because I don’t want to violate consent and not realise.

So yes, love at first sight does exist for me and it’s very powerful. It just manifests in different ways. It’s just that “sight” refers to all of love’s multi-sensory experiences.

Bad Boys With a Difference

In my family, at least among the girls, there has always been a dichotomy regarding finding the best man to father your children and loving the trope that is bad boys. My Mum, at least at first, Aunties, cousins, sister, they all loved the bad boys and for a very long time, I thought I was the exception. Turns out this is not true. I definitely have a thing for bad boys. They just don’t look like the ones the rest of my family likes.

When they talk about bad boys, they mean men who are rough, usually labourers of some kind, probably good looking, are likely to have tattoos, ride motor bikes and not always be on the same level brain wise. They could often drink everyone under the table except the women in my family who matched them if they felt like it, which they often don’t, and sometimes these people had tempers and enjoyed their substances as well.

These kinds of men were never my type. If anything, someone like that puts me off. I don’t feel any attraction to them. If anything, I’m scared of them.

I felt relatively safe because of this lack of attraction to the types of people the rest of my family found attractive but now, I’m not so sure whether I will stay as safe as I have done.

There is, however, a bad boy type for me and I only discovered this relatively recently. I knew these kinds of guys were my thing, just it didn’t register that they are my version of bad boys. It’s the hackers, phone phreaks, whatever hat they are wearing, it doesn’t matter. The badder the better, at least, in my fantasies.

When I think of them cracking my stuff, sneaking into my PC, doing things to my mind, being smarter than I am and using my momentum against me, doing all manner of things to prove how bad they are in the bad boy sense, this is attractive to me. It can also be very dangerous if I am not careful because I tend not to see the bad side if they don’t show it or I will have a masochistic need to feel that bad side being used on me.

I tend to have trouble with the intuition that has protected me since I was a baby because who and what they are blinds me with lust. I wonder if this happens to others, especially those in my family. I wonder if I will be able to keep myself safe for the remainder of my life.

I don’t have answers to any of this but knowing that this tendency exists may possibly help me out of some pretty scary situations. At least, I hope it does.

My Feelings About Woodhull

I had the honour of being able to attend the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit from the second till the fifth of August 2018. It was a wonderful few days, a very intense few days and a very amazing and enlightening few days. It was also a very sad few days and I need to be able to write about both aspects of this so I can process but also so that people will see how things are and were and maybe get a chance to understand things from the point of view of someone who does things very differently.

It was wonderful to meet and spend time with all of the bloggers. It felt so strange in a good way to say “I’m from the Helen’s Toybox blog” and have people squeal and give me hugs and just overall be happy to see me. It was also really interesting to hear voices of people with whom I had never spoken. I expected some voices to be sterner than they were and also the opposite.

Because I don’t have pictures, I literally don’t see people, I don’t have certain lenses through which to view them. Colour or size will only exist to me if I touch a person or if they have a voice that gives anything like that away. Even then, I just take it down as a part of who the person is.

I was also really amazed about people’s reactions to my accent. I could literally smile and be polite and people bent over backwards to give me things and to help me. It felt good when I had time to process that it was actually happening. I’d never been in that situation before. I find it very hard to just receive and was taught that you never ask for presents so when people wanted to give me things for free or they wanted to set me up with swag or show me all sorts of things, well, I had to figure out what to do. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, just very overwhelmed that people wanted to do all of that for me. It was a change in mindset that no one could have warned me about because the way I am about that isn’t something people notice about me online, at least, I don’t think it is.

I ended up only going to two talks and part of the live recording of the Dildorks but I enjoyed those and I got notes about a talk that if it is done again next year, I will certainly make time to go to that talk too. I also, with the consent of the panelists, made audio recordings for them as a back-up in case their live stream audio wasn’t very good. I will not be giving those out but they have been given to the panelists.

I need to do the hard bit now and that’s scaring me a lot. i don’t like conflict and I don’t like talking about difficult things but I suppose in order to make things better for next time, I had better get it out.

The first problem I had was that the hotel is very archaic in regards to money things. You either pay cash or you have a credit card or a debit card but if you have a debit card, they make things complicated. They did this with me and because my bank is not in the states, I needed to use someone else’s phone to call internationally to sort things out. It ended up being the hotel’s issue but I didn’t appreciate being treated as if I were one of *those* people who finds any excuse not to pay for things. That’s how it felt from the point-of-view of the hotel.

If they had had paypal or Apple/Google Pay, for example, this could have been sorted a lot more easily on the first day. AS it is, I need to find out how much the poor person had to pay for that very long international call and pay them back for it. They were wonderful in helping me but as it was, I missed out on two things I would have loved to have experienced in full because the hotel didn’t get its stuff together correctly. It also made my roommate very unhappy and that just got me plain angry. She couldn’t help any of it.

The way the hotel was, things were very loud, there were very bad acoustics and the whole place was very open plan with places where you could fall quite easily. AS it was, I always needed to get help to get from one place to another. Because my sim didn’t work like it should have, I didn’t use Aira very much because the wifi wasn’t amazing. This meant I had to always ask for help to get to wherever I wanted to go. It highlighted my disability which may have led to the next and hardest point I need to make.

I had had plans and hopes of doing some interesting play experiments while at Woodhull. I wanted to test how things would be regarding my reactions to impact play under hypnosis. I had a couple of people with whom I had made plans. Everything and I mean everything fell through. One person was not well and that was sorted out. They checked in with me, we met and I felt how much pain they were in. They want to catch up with me when not dealing with the after effects of something that horriffic and that’s perfectly fine.

In other situations, and these are my feelings and no accusations here, I truly felt like I wasn’t seen. I felt like as a blogger, I was seen and people were happy to know me. As someone to play with, not so much. It felt like a switch flipped and I disappeared from view and even if I said something, it wasn’t going to be heard or acknowledged. I didn’t know if it was because I don’t use the same body language as everyone else or if I was too intense or too obviously something else. People saw the things I said and asked for as being cute or fun or “awww look at that”. It was like being in highschool all over again and I felt sad because I had no idea how to fix any of it. I can’t read physical social cues. i had no idea if people found me repugnant in that way or were too afraid to ask me because of their own issues, none of that because no one said anything.

I wasn’t prepared for any of that.

Having said that, I had a wonderful roommate who not only saw me but was very demonstrative about seeing and acknowledging all of what I was. I can’t say how much I appreciated her and her wonderful empathy. Even when the money thing happened and she was so upset, she was always sweet to me and I am so thankful that I had her sharing a room with me.

Despite all of this, I want to come back next year. I am going to review the swag I got this year, really get into the sponsorship possibilities and thanks to possible grants, live some other dreams and make people aware that physically disabled people are here, we’re not going anywhere and we will be seen and acknowledged in all the ways. Accessibility must not be an afterthought in other places and I refuse for it to be one in the framework of sexual freedom.

I want to do work with sex tech and accessibility. Virtual reality is more than just visuals. If blind and vision impaired people don’t speak up, we will be left behind, invisible, that afterthought where the solution is cobbled together to show token adherance to industry standards. I will not stand by and let this happen.

I hope to show how there is freedom in leading by example and showing love to those who need it. People are humans first and so many people forget about humanity in their push for equality. Humans make mistakes. They are not always going to be perfect. But coming at it from a place of anger and hatred is not how I am going to fight this battle.

Above all, I am going to see to it that I will be seen and acknowledged as being a sexual person with the same abilities to consent and give and receive pleasure as everyone else. Maybe it’s a bit me me me but dammit, it’s important because maybe someone else needs something similar and if I pave the way, maybe it will be made easier for the next generation.