Holding Hands

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

I sit at the table and you come over to me, sit next to or even opposite me. I feel your hand as you take mine, fingers sliding over the sides and palm, pressing on parts of my hand to open it, opening my hand as if you wanted to open the rest of me. You hold it down on the table, as if you were going to restrain me and then, with all of your fingers, you explore the contours, the veritable ins and outs of my hand as if you were looking me up and down from head to toe.

outwardly, the conversation is relatively inocuous but the one your hand is having with mine is basically telling me that you are going to have me, it’s just a question of how and when.

The feel of you holding my hand down on the tabletop is like you telling me that you will use all manner of restraints on me, maybe rope, maybe cuffs, maybe something else entirely. Perhaps you will just restrain me with my own mind.

I feel you take your finger and gently and rhythmically rub my palm with it. You may as well be telling me how you are going to enter me, just remove all of my defenses and make me take what you have to give.

Eventually, you have to let go of my hand but in that oh so brief time while you envelop my fingers in your mesmerising grip, you have the power to say so much without words.

Eroticon UK The Meet And Greet Part 1 in a 3 part Series

Tonight was the Meet And Greet for Eroticon 2019 and It is my first time there. Because I have been a little lax in my posts, I have decided to write things down just after they happen so they stay clear in my mind and I can process what happens.

I was picked up by Girl On The Net at around 7:15 in the evening and we walked down to the Holiday Inn where the social event was being held. It was wonderful to meet her and to have a little bit of time before everything started. It seems, as I found out later in the night, that we have a love of techy people in common. It was wonderful that she understood my feelings regarding yummy nerds. It was one of the highlights of my night.

It was also wonderful to walk into a room and to hear the different voices of all of the various bloggers. Some of them sounded as I expected and others didn’t. I had the same experience when I went to Woodhull last year.

Highlights included getting hugs from Jay and Tess, talking with John Brownstone at length about various kinks and meeting an autistic blogger and Mother of three autistic children with whom I had never interacted previously. We were both wearing very sensory clothes. Mine was soft and her dress was crunchy. She said that some of the hand movements I make a similar to hers and I felt understood and validated.

I’m so happy to have met everyone. I look forward to meeting more people tomorrow and though I am nervous about my talk, I think it should be okay.

Part two happens tomorrow.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.

Eroticon Online Meet and Greet 2019 Bianca from Helen’s Toybox

Eroticon 2019 Attending

NAME (and Twitter if you have one)

My name is Bianca and you can find me tweeting, lerking and commenting about my paroxisms of lust about nerdy twitter at @helenstoybox

Tell us 3 things you are most looking forward to at Eroticon 2019

1. Being able to put voices to all of the wonderful people I have been sharing my twitter timeline with for so long. I often say I give big squishy hugs if someone needs them. Now, if they want it, I finally get the chance to do it in person and put actions to my words.
2. Goody bags and Kink Craft. Yes, I am a little kid sometimes. I love prezzies and making things to take home. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses ever but I am going to stand by it this time and say yes yes yes, I love it and bring on the receiving!!!
3. The moment when I have done my presentation and can go enjoy the rest of the conference. I am so happy I get to be one of the first so the rest of the time is for me. I have never spoken at one of these places before so I am really nervous and hoping I get things right so yeah, I look forward to the end of my speaking bit for that reason.

We are creating a play list of songs for the Friday Night Meet and Greet. Nominate one song that you would like us to add to the play list and tell us why you picked that song.

The song I am looking to put on the playlist this year is Even When I’m Sleeping by the band Leonardo’s Bride. It is the quintessential lovesong of my whole life. Just about every partner I have had has had it shown to them and it came out when I was 16 and was with my first love. Fitting that it’s at a conference talking about all things love, sex and intimacy.

What is your favourite item or book you’ve purchased so far this year?

I haven’t purchased very many things this year simply because purchases are so frought with feelings for me. I purchased my tickets for going away and that was good but also bad because only part of it is for fun.

There is one thing though that has been good for me and will be good for other friends of mine because of practicality. You can get silicone lube from Wet Stuff that comes inside gel capsules. This is wonderful for blind people and also people with sensory issues. It means they don’t have to touch the icky lube but can use it. I told my friends and they are so happy about it because it’s going to make their lives easier and I feel good that I was able to do that for them.

You can have an unlimited supply of one thing for the rest of your life, what is it? Sushi? Scotch Tape?

If it were to be a tangible thing, I would say food. Not ever having to worry about how to get it and how to pay for it would be a wonderful thing.

If it were to be intangible, I would have to debate between loving understanding, that feeling when someone just gets you and it is so much mor seldom than it is needed, and inventiveness. That ability to create necessities out of anything you have could do so much good for so many people.

What is your favourite quote from a movie?

I don’t really do movies much. I remember bits out of movies but not so much quotes. The whole of Bohemian Rhapsody was amazing and I liked how Freddy used the quote “Good words, good thoughts, good deeds” to trip up his Father who had beat him with that quote his whole life.

What is your word suggestion to next years Eroticon anthology?

Acceptance

Complete the sentence:
I feel…
your fingers, brushing my shoulder, your tempting touch, as it tingles my spine … Dangerous Game from the musical Jekyll and Hyde

Eroticon 2019 Virtual Meet and Greet

Big Changes

It’s been a strange couple of weeks. I’ve been so busy that sitting down to write a post has just not been in the cards but because so much has happened, maybe I can process my thoughts and give you all a big post, perhaps two in the space of a very short time. WE’ll see.

I had a friend staying here for almost a month and it was wonderful to watch her confidence expand so much. She’s so often put down by her family and seeing her spread her wings and feel good enough to answer back sometimes was a wonderful experience.

It was also amazing to watch the process of her new D/S situation begin to unfold, together with the partner of the other person. He and I met on a dating app and then all four of us met and the dynamic just fitted together so well.

Both of us ended up having lovely photo shoots which were done so we could feel the experience and we put some of the pics on our fet profiles. That’s not something I would have done as recently as six months ago. It did help that I had code drawn on every inch of my body that was exposed. Now if that’s not an insentive, I don’t know what is.

It was very sad to see her go and also to see how much the two of them miss each other. I hope she comes back soon and I hope things work out between the two of them because seeing new love happen feels so good to me. It’s like stepping into a warm bath, just the right temperature, and with the right amount of bubble bath and scent. I’m glad there was a bit of nice stuff because there were some things to balance that out as there usually are.

I am flying halfway across the world, partly to sort out stuff from my previous life and partly to speak at Eroticon and getting ready for that is a task and a half. I had to use most of my pay for the airb&b this week so right now, there’s very little in my bank account. Thing is, I will manifest it when I need it and freelance work tends to do that. Still, it is a worry until it happens.

While I am away, my little house will be hosting a friend who is getting out of an abusive relationship. People, just so you know, it’s not just women who get abused. This person is a cishet white man but he has had it rough for a very long time and his confidence has been seriously undermined. When I saw him last week, he was a mess. He was literally shaking the whole time and could barely use his phone. His partner called me some not very nice names and he got so mad at her that he felt rage enough to need to get out of the situation. I offered him my place for the time I am away and hopefully, his family will help him to get his place sorted by that time. I’ll keep him as long as I have to so he doesn’t go back to that toxic situation.

This past Friday gone, I went to a play party and had a spanking from someone who knew what they were doing for the first time. The last piece of impact play I had, the person was very new themselves and as it turns out, went very easy on me. I was co-topped by two wonderful people and it was a very physical experience. I didn’t experience any feelings of submission, just pain and some sensory pleasure. The drop was real though. I’ve never experienced that in this kind of situation. The closest thing to it is the feeling you get when you get bad news. Aftercare is so important and it was given to me in spades by the people who did the spanking. I got drinks and lollies and hugs and it helped. I felt so awful that I didn’t get the wonderful feelings. So much of my kink is mental and when it’s so physical like that, it’s so tempting to dissociate and I was very close to that but because I had to communicate my hneeds, that didn’t happen. I think next time, there has to be a mental component for me to experience any kinds of feelings. I’m not a pain person. I am a sensory and pleasure person and I know this for certain now.

A couple of the people at the party had some health issues and I was allowed to give them both reflexology massages. That balanced everything else out. I was allowed to serve and be subby in an unobtrusive way so that any subs that any of them may have had would not feel that I wanted to take their place, not that that would have been a thing in this case, but just in case, the service was so different that it worked well in that way. It gave me a sense of purpose and balance that I needed afterwards as a different form of aftercare.

There has also been another situation with a couple of people in my life possibly having to work together professionally and that caused some issues last week with one of them that luckily got ironed out quickly enough but it was touch and go for a while. I must admit, there were scenarios to do with this situation where I didn’t have the answers but now the Universe has manifested my answer and as usual, in a way that was unexpected.

My little and I are as of today in a non-sexual dynamic as he has found someone else who is close to him and he would like to explore that situation without there being anything else other than that. It’s fresh and there is lots of NRE but this is where it stands now. I must admit, I needed a bit of time to process this as it was quite sudden but on the other hand, it fixes the situation I was talking about in such a way that both my little and the other person will have no further issues.

This means I am feeling sadness, relief, apprehension, anticipation, a few other things in the mix, just there are so many feelings that it is taking a lot of my energy to process them. I basically spent the whole day in bed yesterday and half of today as well. I just needed to be away from the world a little bit.

Now tomorrow, I get to be a fat person flying on an aeroplane and hoping that the Universe manifests me some space and makes things as complication free as possible. Next post will come from halfway across the world.

The Sexual Orientation Lightbulb Moment

I discovered something a little while ago which to some people may be a little thing but to me is huge and it happened while I was working on my profile on OKCupid. They count sapiosexuality as a sexual orientation!!

Intelligence has always been the first criterion with which I have measured attractiveness. I didn’t even realise until now that it even removes gender from the equation and that is new for me. Voice is of course hugely important to me but there is a point before I have the experience of the voice where the mind comes first. This is where I realise that my true sexual orientation is not bi or pansexual like I thought. It’s sapiosexual. I measure a person’s attractiveness on their level of intelligence and capability to deal with adversity. Listening to a person cracking code and explaining how they do it is the equivalent of the hottest porn movie on the planet for me.Someone being passionate about what they can do is guaranteed to give me wet panties. There is nothing sexier to me then to hear someone expostulating on something which requires a lot of intelligence. Having said that, it is also a given that the person needs to actually know what they are talking about. Posing is extremely unattractive.

It is not the only measurement for physical attraction for me. A person needs to show empathy honesty and integrity as well. It is just the first level. It is the thing that will get a person noticed. It is the thing that captures my emotions and my heart.

It is the reason why, from now on, if there is an option to tick the box labelled Sapiosexual on a form regarding sexual orientation, that will be me all the way.

My First Experience with Impact Play

Maybe it isn’t my first experience as I have been spanked with a bear hand before but this is the first time someone has used a paddle on me. It was the Plunge Paddle from Tantus and it got used when I had a play date with someone who we will call Sir J.

I was showing him my toy box and when he saw the paddle, he asked if I liked to be spanked and when I said I did, he told me to turn over and so he started spanking me, first with light taps and then later with heavier stinging thwacks which made my bum cheeks feel like they had been doused with chili powder. It wasn’t pain as such but the whole experience was so sensory. I was expecting more sexuality, more pain perhaps, but not that it would just be really sensory. It made me take time out to concentrate on all of the feelings and sensations.

The best bit however, was when he started rubbing my cheeks with his hands after using the paddle on them. They just felt so alive, so willing to take his touch. I actually said to him that now I knew what the fuss was about where that was concerned.

He was very sweet and didn’t go any further than he should have. I would definitely do it again, though I have to say that that part was definitely more about the sensations than anything sexual. The only thing that would have made it sexual would have been if he had said things which would have activated the switches in my brain that handle that kind of thing. I don’t feel any kind of subspace with him. He doesn’t ring my bell that way but he is geeky and he will speak to me in the ways I like.

We did have sexual play but it was separate from the impact play. I would definitely do both again with him and maybe next time, I can use the other end of the Plunge.

A New Lease On Life

I’ve lived in Australia and in Germany and both have had their good and bad points but I have often felt at the whims of others wherever I have lived because getting help and support has been a nightmare since I became an adult with very few exceptions. Getting stuff done that’s supposed to be simple has always been a battle but not now.

There is a new system in Australia which cause it self the National disability insurance scheme or NDIS. Basically, if you manage it yourself, you pay people to give you the support you need. This could be cleaning, shopping, even taking you out to events. For the first time in my life, I can just pay someone and that means I get things done that never were able to get done quickly or easily in the past. The quality of life is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced.

I was lucky enough to have someone who knew what to do show me how to make my plan. If you don’t have that, you don’t end up getting what you need. It means I have about AU$33,000 that is accessible to me for a year so that I can have things such as orientation and mobility, adaptive technology, support hours and some consumables. It means I don’t have to worry about paying for things to do with my disability.

I was able to go out briefly the other day and because I paid someone to take me, it got done quickly and efficiently. I don’t know what to say that will explain my feelings right now. This is a level of independence and freedom which is completely new to me. It’s never happened before and I am feeling like the stress with which I have lived for most of my life has lessened to such an extent that I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no words. I finally have a decent amount of breathing room. It feels like my spoon count has been increased to such an extent that I can manage so much better than I have done previously.

I know there are others who will not agree with me. That is perfectly okay. Everyone’s plans are different and everyone has a different experience. Speaking for myself, I think hit is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I put it on to my blog which is saying something as I don’t easily write about these kinds of things. Sharing that level of vulnerability is hard. I find it difficult to have to say that I have limits and I find it difficult to appear to show weakness. Knowing that I have ways of reducing these things is making me breathe and sleep a lot easier.

The Issues with Non-verbal Communication and Dating

When people talk about dating, a lot of what they talk about is stuff like staring into someone’s eyes and knowing what the person says with one look. Well I tell you hnow, that’s not going to happen. For people who are blind or vision impaired, this facet of the whole dating game can make the difference between a comfortable date and the awkward date from hell. There are ways to make it bearable however.

One of the things I do if I know that my date and I are going to want to go further is to tell them that it would be better if they sit next to me and not opposite me when we go for coffee or food. It means that I can touch them and feel through their hands if they are comfortable.

I also ask them what they are thinking if they are too silent. I let them know that they have to vocalise with me as all of the non-verbal cues will not work. It’s amazing how much easier things will go if there is decent communication.

Now ther are people who would say that this kind of thing just highlights my differences and wouldn’t it be better just to pass and to blend in? I say no, it really wouldn’t be better.

I am blind and, so far as I know, kissing the spectrum. If I don’t know what’s going on, I panic. It’s that simple. I don’t want to panic on a first date. I want to feel safe and confident. These small modifications help me to not only feel safer but also to project the level of pep and humour which is actually in my personality rather than the nervous wreck that happens when I am on dates. I’d rather the person I am with sees the real me that my friends see. Making these modifications allows this to happen.

My Feelings About Weight Loss Surgery and Anti-Fat Bias

Before I write this post, I need to stress, in case someone sees this as a personal attack, that this is about me, my feelings, my values and my decisions. It has nothing to do with the decisions anyone else makes or wants to make. Right, now that we have got this disclaimer out of the way, here goes.

I just found out that one of my best friends is seriously looking at having weight loss surgery next year. I found this out at the beginning of a long stretch of quality time I was about to have with her and another friend who had said surgery in 2017. My first reaction was total devastation. I also needed to show her support and solidarity as a best friend.

Imagine, I was looking forward to a fun time with friends with yummy food and drink and lots of party music. What I ended up having was the both of them talking about weight, weight loss, hospitals, “bad” food, limitations, what is forbidden and what isn’t, etc. All of the classic anti-fat propaganda that exists, all of what the diet industry stands for, it came out of their mouths. I felt so sad, deflated, that she was buying into this huge pile of bias and fat hate, even towards herself, and I am watching it and there is not a thing I can do about it. Her mother is all for it and even my mother, who had the operation, is all for it, even hinting that if I had the surgery, she would support me. I am not one to overdramatise but it felt to me like I was seeing something bad about to happen and my hands were tied and I am going to have to watch it happen and I can’t stop it and people would be very upset if I tried.

I have experienced less pain and hatred about my size than a lot of people but I have dealt with it and seen that it is not just antipathy, it is downright hate. Yes, that is a strong word, but some situations call for strong words. I don’t see as much of a depth of feeling towards addicts or criminals as I see towards fat people and it isn’t just the media. It’s doctors, family, yes, it’s media and the industry as well but mostly it’s the person on the street. Fat is seen as hateful, weak, undisciplined, unsexy. This has got to stop right the hell now!!

Yes there are fat people with heart disease and high blood pressure and diabetes, all of that. There are also thin people with these illnesses. If a person puts on weight, it is seen as bad by default. If they lose weight, they are congratulated whether or not they wanted to lose that weight.

People off the street will lecture fat people about their food choices because they feel it is their right. None of this is acceptable!! Dehumanising fat people is not the right thing to do. There is no logic in this, no rhyme or reason. People are being told that the way they are is not healthy despite having test results saying otherwise. This happened to me. I had a cousin who insisted that the doctor check me out for all the things and when the only thing where there was anything out of the ordinary was my weight, she insisted that he sit and lecture me because of it. He flat out said to her that with everything else being OK, my weight wasn’t as much of an issue as she made it out to be and I could have hugged him but not every doctor will be that way.

I am relatively resilient. I will come out with a joke or I will be as kind to people as possible. I’ve learnt the art of self-deprecation. I have a healthy sense of what is good and evil and my self-esteem is managable. Many fat people are not as lucky. One comment will send them into a downward spiral. There is so much hate from the outside and that’s nothing compared to what’s on the inside. To me, this is the strong taking advantage of the weak and it is one of the few things that will make me get very angry.

I am insensed by the idea that if someone is upset by this treatment, if there are tears or shutdowns or silences, that people feel those they are treating this way deserve to be punished and to feel this way. No, this isn’t stubbornness. It’s a reaction to abuse from those they love and who they have been told love them.

I will not subscribe to people being mutilated in the name of thinness. I will not subscribe to people being abused and told it is for their own good in the name of society’s beauty standards. I will not subscribe to gaslighting on the part of people who have signed the hypocratic oath which means they are duty-bound to do no harm.

This is why I will not have this surgery. It’s why I am sad when others do, because it is buying into a culture that is telling us that the way we are is hateful and those who are not like us have the right to dehumanise us. No, I am opting out!!!

First Experiences with the Hook Up Thing

I’ve been on OKC for a number of years now but I hadn’t done much about it for a long time. I started up again recently and I unexpectedly found myself in a position to have a play date with someone on Christmas Eve. How’s that for a present? Well, that, I can tell you.

The idea of just playing with someone I hadn’t even met before made me feel very nervous, I can tell you. I mean, I had had relationships where we met online and then met in person but that’s different. You get to know each other a bit. This wasn’t like that.

We did talk on the phone and I used that conversation to do a lot of negotiating of what was allowed and what wasn’t. I wanted to find out what worked for him and let him know what worked for me. He was all for letting it happen in the moment but not me. I said that’s all good until it isn’t. We discussed what practices we liked and didn’t, what words were OK, how far it was going to go, I think I took a lot of control of the situation and that was healthy. I told him I would be bringing toys and lube and condoms with me. He was totally OK with that. I even told him that I have an IUD and that it’s hormonal just in case the condom were to break. I think my sex geekery was a bit overwhelming for him but I wanted to make sure we were both safe.

I was really worried. Like I didn’t know him. What if something had happened? What if he had been a bad person? I told people where I was going and there was a friend I arranged to text in code when I knew everything was OK. It was risky in the extreme but I didn’t have a bad feeling, though I thought of cancelling on multiple occasions and this is coming from me who prides myself on being very reliable.

Turns out he was lovely, he wasn’t a bad person. We even both had a similar affinity for chickens, though he was impressed that I could make myself sound exactly like his chooks do. I was even allowed to pat one of them and stroke the soft feathers under her wings. I was so softed out, moreso than I was excited at the prospect of having playtime with him.

I did find out that he works with my Mum. I hope it won’t be awkward for him. I made sure not to tell what did or didn’t happen both to her and here for that reason.

What I will say is that these kinds of things are often less daunting than the media makes out. Be careful and as safe as you can be. Maybe the next time, I will be able to tell a lot more than I have with this specific situation. All I will say is that the sapio bit of sapiosexual is very big with me, like it’s a key which unlocks everything. If I don’t have the right key, it could be disastrous and I want to make sure I have the right key and not almost the right key or perhaps a good enough key because it really doesn’t work if I do that.

we had a yummy salad dinner and I don’t regret having been reliable.