The Sexual Orientation Lightbulb Moment

I discovered something a little while ago which to some people may be a little thing but to me is huge and it happened while I was working on my profile on OKCupid. They count sapiosexuality as a sexual orientation!!

Intelligence has always been the first criterion with which I have measured attractiveness. I didn’t even realise until now that it even removes gender from the equation and that is new for me. Voice is of course hugely important to me but there is a point before I have the experience of the voice where the mind comes first. This is where I realise that my true sexual orientation is not bi or pansexual like I thought. It’s sapiosexual. I measure a person’s attractiveness on their level of intelligence and capability to deal with adversity. Listening to a person cracking code and explaining how they do it is the equivalent of the hottest porn movie on the planet for me.Someone being passionate about what they can do is guaranteed to give me wet panties. There is nothing sexier to me then to hear someone expostulating on something which requires a lot of intelligence. Having said that, it is also a given that the person needs to actually know what they are talking about. Posing is extremely unattractive.

It is not the only measurement for physical attraction for me. A person needs to show empathy honesty and integrity as well. It is just the first level. It is the thing that will get a person noticed. It is the thing that captures my emotions and my heart.

It is the reason why, from now on, if there is an option to tick the box labelled Sapiosexual on a form regarding sexual orientation, that will be me all the way.

My First Experience with Impact Play

Maybe it isn’t my first experience as I have been spanked with a bear hand before but this is the first time someone has used a paddle on me. It was the Plunge Paddle from Tantus and it got used when I had a play date with someone who we will call Sir J.

I was showing him my toy box and when he saw the paddle, he asked if I liked to be spanked and when I said I did, he told me to turn over and so he started spanking me, first with light taps and then later with heavier stinging thwacks which made my bum cheeks feel like they had been doused with chili powder. It wasn’t pain as such but the whole experience was so sensory. I was expecting more sexuality, more pain perhaps, but not that it would just be really sensory. It made me take time out to concentrate on all of the feelings and sensations.

The best bit however, was when he started rubbing my cheeks with his hands after using the paddle on them. They just felt so alive, so willing to take his touch. I actually said to him that now I knew what the fuss was about where that was concerned.

He was very sweet and didn’t go any further than he should have. I would definitely do it again, though I have to say that that part was definitely more about the sensations than anything sexual. The only thing that would have made it sexual would have been if he had said things which would have activated the switches in my brain that handle that kind of thing. I don’t feel any kind of subspace with him. He doesn’t ring my bell that way but he is geeky and he will speak to me in the ways I like.

We did have sexual play but it was separate from the impact play. I would definitely do both again with him and maybe next time, I can use the other end of the Plunge.

A New Lease On Life

I’ve lived in Australia and in Germany and both have had their good and bad points but I have often felt at the whims of others wherever I have lived because getting help and support has been a nightmare since I became an adult with very few exceptions. Getting stuff done that’s supposed to be simple has always been a battle but not now.

There is a new system in Australia which cause it self the National disability insurance scheme or NDIS. Basically, if you manage it yourself, you pay people to give you the support you need. This could be cleaning, shopping, even taking you out to events. For the first time in my life, I can just pay someone and that means I get things done that never were able to get done quickly or easily in the past. The quality of life is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced.

I was lucky enough to have someone who knew what to do show me how to make my plan. If you don’t have that, you don’t end up getting what you need. It means I have about AU$33,000 that is accessible to me for a year so that I can have things such as orientation and mobility, adaptive technology, support hours and some consumables. It means I don’t have to worry about paying for things to do with my disability.

I was able to go out briefly the other day and because I paid someone to take me, it got done quickly and efficiently. I don’t know what to say that will explain my feelings right now. This is a level of independence and freedom which is completely new to me. It’s never happened before and I am feeling like the stress with which I have lived for most of my life has lessened to such an extent that I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no words. I finally have a decent amount of breathing room. It feels like my spoon count has been increased to such an extent that I can manage so much better than I have done previously.

I know there are others who will not agree with me. That is perfectly okay. Everyone’s plans are different and everyone has a different experience. Speaking for myself, I think hit is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I put it on to my blog which is saying something as I don’t easily write about these kinds of things. Sharing that level of vulnerability is hard. I find it difficult to have to say that I have limits and I find it difficult to appear to show weakness. Knowing that I have ways of reducing these things is making me breathe and sleep a lot easier.

The Issues with Non-verbal Communication and Dating

When people talk about dating, a lot of what they talk about is stuff like staring into someone’s eyes and knowing what the person says with one look. Well I tell you hnow, that’s not going to happen. For people who are blind or vision impaired, this facet of the whole dating game can make the difference between a comfortable date and the awkward date from hell. There are ways to make it bearable however.

One of the things I do if I know that my date and I are going to want to go further is to tell them that it would be better if they sit next to me and not opposite me when we go for coffee or food. It means that I can touch them and feel through their hands if they are comfortable.

I also ask them what they are thinking if they are too silent. I let them know that they have to vocalise with me as all of the non-verbal cues will not work. It’s amazing how much easier things will go if there is decent communication.

Now ther are people who would say that this kind of thing just highlights my differences and wouldn’t it be better just to pass and to blend in? I say no, it really wouldn’t be better.

I am blind and, so far as I know, kissing the spectrum. If I don’t know what’s going on, I panic. It’s that simple. I don’t want to panic on a first date. I want to feel safe and confident. These small modifications help me to not only feel safer but also to project the level of pep and humour which is actually in my personality rather than the nervous wreck that happens when I am on dates. I’d rather the person I am with sees the real me that my friends see. Making these modifications allows this to happen.

My Feelings About Weight Loss Surgery and Anti-Fat Bias

Before I write this post, I need to stress, in case someone sees this as a personal attack, that this is about me, my feelings, my values and my decisions. It has nothing to do with the decisions anyone else makes or wants to make. Right, now that we have got this disclaimer out of the way, here goes.

I just found out that one of my best friends is seriously looking at having weight loss surgery next year. I found this out at the beginning of a long stretch of quality time I was about to have with her and another friend who had said surgery in 2017. My first reaction was total devastation. I also needed to show her support and solidarity as a best friend.

Imagine, I was looking forward to a fun time with friends with yummy food and drink and lots of party music. What I ended up having was the both of them talking about weight, weight loss, hospitals, “bad” food, limitations, what is forbidden and what isn’t, etc. All of the classic anti-fat propaganda that exists, all of what the diet industry stands for, it came out of their mouths. I felt so sad, deflated, that she was buying into this huge pile of bias and fat hate, even towards herself, and I am watching it and there is not a thing I can do about it. Her mother is all for it and even my mother, who had the operation, is all for it, even hinting that if I had the surgery, she would support me. I am not one to overdramatise but it felt to me like I was seeing something bad about to happen and my hands were tied and I am going to have to watch it happen and I can’t stop it and people would be very upset if I tried.

I have experienced less pain and hatred about my size than a lot of people but I have dealt with it and seen that it is not just antipathy, it is downright hate. Yes, that is a strong word, but some situations call for strong words. I don’t see as much of a depth of feeling towards addicts or criminals as I see towards fat people and it isn’t just the media. It’s doctors, family, yes, it’s media and the industry as well but mostly it’s the person on the street. Fat is seen as hateful, weak, undisciplined, unsexy. This has got to stop right the hell now!!

Yes there are fat people with heart disease and high blood pressure and diabetes, all of that. There are also thin people with these illnesses. If a person puts on weight, it is seen as bad by default. If they lose weight, they are congratulated whether or not they wanted to lose that weight.

People off the street will lecture fat people about their food choices because they feel it is their right. None of this is acceptable!! Dehumanising fat people is not the right thing to do. There is no logic in this, no rhyme or reason. People are being told that the way they are is not healthy despite having test results saying otherwise. This happened to me. I had a cousin who insisted that the doctor check me out for all the things and when the only thing where there was anything out of the ordinary was my weight, she insisted that he sit and lecture me because of it. He flat out said to her that with everything else being OK, my weight wasn’t as much of an issue as she made it out to be and I could have hugged him but not every doctor will be that way.

I am relatively resilient. I will come out with a joke or I will be as kind to people as possible. I’ve learnt the art of self-deprecation. I have a healthy sense of what is good and evil and my self-esteem is managable. Many fat people are not as lucky. One comment will send them into a downward spiral. There is so much hate from the outside and that’s nothing compared to what’s on the inside. To me, this is the strong taking advantage of the weak and it is one of the few things that will make me get very angry.

I am insensed by the idea that if someone is upset by this treatment, if there are tears or shutdowns or silences, that people feel those they are treating this way deserve to be punished and to feel this way. No, this isn’t stubbornness. It’s a reaction to abuse from those they love and who they have been told love them.

I will not subscribe to people being mutilated in the name of thinness. I will not subscribe to people being abused and told it is for their own good in the name of society’s beauty standards. I will not subscribe to gaslighting on the part of people who have signed the hypocratic oath which means they are duty-bound to do no harm.

This is why I will not have this surgery. It’s why I am sad when others do, because it is buying into a culture that is telling us that the way we are is hateful and those who are not like us have the right to dehumanise us. No, I am opting out!!!

First Experiences with the Hook Up Thing

I’ve been on OKC for a number of years now but I hadn’t done much about it for a long time. I started up again recently and I unexpectedly found myself in a position to have a play date with someone on Christmas Eve. How’s that for a present? Well, that, I can tell you.

The idea of just playing with someone I hadn’t even met before made me feel very nervous, I can tell you. I mean, I had had relationships where we met online and then met in person but that’s different. You get to know each other a bit. This wasn’t like that.

We did talk on the phone and I used that conversation to do a lot of negotiating of what was allowed and what wasn’t. I wanted to find out what worked for him and let him know what worked for me. He was all for letting it happen in the moment but not me. I said that’s all good until it isn’t. We discussed what practices we liked and didn’t, what words were OK, how far it was going to go, I think I took a lot of control of the situation and that was healthy. I told him I would be bringing toys and lube and condoms with me. He was totally OK with that. I even told him that I have an IUD and that it’s hormonal just in case the condom were to break. I think my sex geekery was a bit overwhelming for him but I wanted to make sure we were both safe.

I was really worried. Like I didn’t know him. What if something had happened? What if he had been a bad person? I told people where I was going and there was a friend I arranged to text in code when I knew everything was OK. It was risky in the extreme but I didn’t have a bad feeling, though I thought of cancelling on multiple occasions and this is coming from me who prides myself on being very reliable.

Turns out he was lovely, he wasn’t a bad person. We even both had a similar affinity for chickens, though he was impressed that I could make myself sound exactly like his chooks do. I was even allowed to pat one of them and stroke the soft feathers under her wings. I was so softed out, moreso than I was excited at the prospect of having playtime with him.

I did find out that he works with my Mum. I hope it won’t be awkward for him. I made sure not to tell what did or didn’t happen both to her and here for that reason.

What I will say is that these kinds of things are often less daunting than the media makes out. Be careful and as safe as you can be. Maybe the next time, I will be able to tell a lot more than I have with this specific situation. All I will say is that the sapio bit of sapiosexual is very big with me, like it’s a key which unlocks everything. If I don’t have the right key, it could be disastrous and I want to make sure I have the right key and not almost the right key or perhaps a good enough key because it really doesn’t work if I do that.

we had a yummy salad dinner and I don’t regret having been reliable.

Some easy gifting lifehacks for the holidays

I know this is usually supposed to be a sex blog and a lot of people would expect that my gift ideas would be all about sex toys but at this time, when I have been seeing people become homeless and experiencing money shortages and not knowing what to do, I have a couple of recipes and hacks that may help to make the season easier, especially when we are dealing with our vanilla friends.

There is a sex tip. It’s one others have used but seriously, coconut oil is a nice lube. You can get it raw or refined. Just don’t use it in conjunction with latex. It’s cheap and can be used for so many things, your vanilla friends won’t bat an eye.

OK, so you have that bag of choc melts and some whipping cream and cocoa powder in the house and you have to make presents for people. Here’s what you do.
Ganache Truffles
(makes about 36)
Ingredients:

200 ml fresh cream
200 G cooking chocolate
A splash of flavouring or edible essential oils if you have them. I used peppermint
Enough cocoa powder for mixing and rolling later on about a cup all up

Method:
Heat cream on middle heat and then add chocolate and flavouring. Stay with the pot and stir until everything is melted together.
Take off the heat and refridgerate until cold.
Add enough cocoa powder to make the cold mixture a dough and shape into little balls.
Roll in cocoa powder and put into little paper bags for gifting.

Lavender shortbread
(makes about a slice tin full)

Ingredients:
2 cups plain flour
1 cup sugar
125 G butter
a splash of vanilla essence
1 or 2 drops of edible lavender essential oil

Method:

Preheat oven to 180 degrees C.
Mix all ingredients with your hands until you form a dough. You may need a bit more butter or vanilla to make it stick.
Put the dough into a square slice tin and pack it right down so it isn’t crumbly. I use silicone baking forms because you don’t have to grease them.
Put in the oven and cook for 30 minutes.
Take out and let it cool. Then cut into little squares. Put about 6 into a small paper bag and start gifting!!

I hope this has been helpful, if somewhat unusual for this blog. Please look after yourselves and stay safe during this holiday season.

Ethics, humanity and fallibility

I often stress ethics when talking about everything from non-monogamy to relationships in general. I live my life as an ethical non-monogamist. I try to keep my word as much as humanly possible but there’s the rub. The word is human. I’ve been dealing with a few things like that lately and I also feel I have made myself look a bit too perfect on here so here goes.

My blog posts have been creeping around to later in the week and I promised Thursdays. I am hoping this post will keep me accountable and have me stick to Thursdays from now on. I find if I write things like that down where people can see, it makes me do the right thing more easily.

Other things are harder. I have a friend and he and I have had chemistry for so long now I lose count of how long ago it started. Anyway, we found ourselves in a pretty unmistakable situation the other day, one which by rights should not have been allowed to happen. I had to talk to him about it the day afterwards because yes, he has someone who is having some difficulties. I feel that it was a chemistry thing but it is no excuse for how I behaved. I need to put this out there so that others, when they have situations like this where they don’t live up to their own standards for whatever reason, can see that they aren’t alone. I said to my friend that once was human fallibility but twice was knowingly helping someone to cheat and I really didn’t want that, despite what happened. He wasn’t happy but we both took ourlumps and have resolved that he will talk to his significant other and we will be mindful of the pitfalls of our chemistry in the future. I would rather have her permission and consent if I ever get the chance to enjoy my chemistry with him. Hell, I’d even play with her again. It has happened in the past.

So yes, even I slip up. Even I am not always mindful of what could happen and I find myself in situations that are not optimal and I own that. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to and it has been years but it’s possible with me and when it happens, I do what I can to control the damage while owning my part in whatever it is that happens. I am purposefully not going to say what happened and what didn’t. Firstly, it doesn’t matter and secondly, letting people imagine all the things is part of being discrete and part of what I have to do to atone for this.

It’s hard to write about these things. It’s hard to show that I do things that are not necessarily right. I may get some fall-out about it from people who have seen me preach about ethics but you know what? I’ll take that because it’s the right thing to do. I won’t write this to try to look good. I don’t look good righht now. I’m writing it all down because maybe, just maybe my vulnerability could help someone else in a worse place than I am right now.

Blogger Feels

I was talking to a fellow blogger earlier today who congratulated me on being in the top 100 sex bloggers from Molly’s Daily Kiss last week. She talked to me like I was a bit of a celebrity as in our little community, it looks like it’s getting that way, at least, where blind bloggers are concerned. There aren’t many who tackle sex and kink, though there are a couple apart from me.

A lot of things went through my mind when I saw this. I’m going to try to put them on paper because though I am not upset, it made me think and have lots of feels that need to be addressed.

My first thought was that I am not sure how good an ambassador I am and will be. I live a life like most others with a smattering of difference thrown in. I love unusually, abundantly, with my whole being but multiamorously as a matter of course. I love kink but I have friends who see me as more vanilla than kinky because my kinks are words-based. I don’t drink, smoke, take drugs unless it’s medicine, I dress very conservatively. So many things that don’t compute to many people when they think of a sex blogger.

But then I think to myself that I am me. If I happen to be an ambassador, then so be it. Maybe there are others who feel exactly like I do, who think they are alone because they are into the same things I am into. Maybe I can help them. Maybe I can show them someone else has been through these struggles.

I didn’t start my blog to make money, though that would be nice. I started it as a labour of love. I wanted to take the opportunity to use my passion for all things sexual and kinky to help others, to educate, to create an altar of sorts to those I love on a general level.

Maybe there will be a person, couple, polycule out there who thinks I am the right fit for them. Maybe I will have my version of Kate’s Super Sleepy kinky hypnotist but more suited to me and my specific kinks. Maybe he will have a wife who is also in infosec and I get to love them both. Maybe my next Daddy will be a non-binary person who writes music to make me cry and who is into tech. I don’t know. Maybe the whole polyamorous group of us will start a band and make everyone cry with our music but also make them think. I don’t know but it all sounds nice for later on.

Right now, I am going to just keep writing when I have the ideas, help where I can, love those who let me love them, and hope that’s enough even when I have my moments of self-doubt.

I am in the top 100 sex blogs of 2018!!!

I had nothing to post this week when Thursday came around and I felt pretty bad about it. I like to be consistent and make sure that people get a post every week from me. So when I had nothing to write, I was really bummed.

Then I happen to look at the list of the top 100 sex bloggers of 2018 that came out today run by Molly from @mollysdailykiss and I found my name on that list!!! Yes, I am number 91, not quite up at the top with all of the famous names but I am on there and I never expected it.

When I found out about this, I was overwhelmed and really excited at the same time. I could hardly write my thoughts down in a tweet on my phone but now that this is a blog post, I can actually get my thoughts into words.

It’s been a pretty up and down year for me. Getting into the blogging stuff after my big hiatus while on my last trip to Perth, then finding out I received my scholarship to Woodhull, making that trip, meeting all the people, realising that yes, I am making the move back to Australia from the other side of the world and yes, that includes leaving my life and my husband, then learning that I will in fact be speaking at Eroticon UK next year.

All of these things have made it such a big year. Then I get this wonderful piece of news and though it may not be huge to some people, it’s gargantuan for me. It makes me feel like what I do isn’t for just a few people, that many will see it and hopefully receive help from my words.

I would like to thank Molly for doing the rankings but I would also like to thank those who nominated me, making it possible for me to be where I am now. Everyone’s been so wonderful to me, especially as I haven’t been as interactive since my move as I was beforehand.

I’m still here, still going strong, and looking forward to another year of reviews, essays I enjoy, not the crappy school ones, and travelling to all the different places to meet people and hopefully make a difference while there.