Well it has been a while but wow do I have some updates to tell all of you.

For all of my companies waiting on reviews, I haven’t forgotten you. Executive dysfunction sucks but it will happen even if it takes ages. I take my responsibilities seriously even if there’s a delay.

I also have joined a new polyfam and although I am not romantically with anyone in this group, the support and love I have gained from them is so wonderful and so needed. Empress is a Dominant and the natural D/s we have is so helpful to me. As I said, we are not together or in a dynamic but she knows that sometimes I need the decisions taken away and she does it so well. GirlCaged, my friend and her sub looks after me as well. She reminds me that I can’t serve everyone and that I can be human sometimes. That help is invaluable in times of anxiety and fear of being abandonned. Yes I have those fears sometimes. Spyke is Emperess’s male partner and we have playtime together sometimes when his energy levels are good enough to do that. When not, we are nerdy together and I love that!! He even took me to an infosec event which was amazing. I understood what was going on and he liked looking at my interested face.

All of these wonderful people help me so much and I am so glad to be able to call them chosen family.

I have also realised I am a service slave. I love this but sometimes it’s led to all manner of untenable situations so therefore I have looked for and found a wonderful mentor to help me figure out what all of this means. I write notes before and after sessions so I can document my journey here if he is alright with that.

An appointment has been made to have sleep tests done for a night and hopefully that will mean my own CPAP machine which I can take with me on trips and such. I love CPAP sleep as I feel rested afterwards.

Other things are happening but if I write about them all now, I will have nothing to post in subsequent weeks so here’s my update and I hope to be writing a lot more posts in the next snatch of time and space. Update Post

The Nazi Next-Door

I can imagine that this is going to be one of those pieces of writing which will make people think or screech. I’m OK with either as long as it’s done constructively. These are things which happened in real life. The names have been changed obviously to protect people who can’t protect themselves.

I lived in Germany for a very long time. Just about 12 years. In that time, I lived in the same apartment and had the same next-door neighhbours. There was %Steve%, %Keira% and their little girl %Tanya%. Steve was a nazi.

Tanya was a baby when I moved in and I went to their place to meet the baby and to give them a little white hat I knitted for her. Keira was lovely to me. She let me hold Tanya even though a lot of people wouldn’t do that with a new blind person. She even let me feed the baby with a bottle sometimes. Steve did his share too, looking after the little one, talking to her without any baby talk whatsoever and making sure that if she did the wrong thing, she was reprimanded when she became old enough to understand right from wrong.

I used to do a lot of things on my own. I didn’t have the help I have over here. Steve would often ring up to tell us that someone had left a bike somewhere in the cellar where we could trip over it or if he was going shopping, would offer to either bring something home for us and we pay him when he gets back or for me to go with him if I needed to do a shop. When Tanya grew old enough to read and to go places on her own, he would let her go with me and she would help me do the shopping sometimes. I would always give her something when she did that as a thank you gift.

Sure, he would make all of the references to certain things sometimes. He would talk about his views and I asked him why, as a foreigner and a disabled person, I was not seen as problematic for people with his mindset. he told me that because I was fully integrated into society and spoke and acted as such, that I wasn’t an issue. I don’t know if that’s just how his group thought or if it was representative of most people who think like that, but it’s what he said to me.

I’ve heard of how many people say they hate nazis. They wish thez would be shot. They disparage others who are around nazis. Fact is, the place I lived was good rent wise, mobility wise and transport wise. Moving was going to take too much work for two blind people with very little help. We liked our place and the neighbours were good to us. There were other neighbours who treated us horribly but that set of neighbours did a lot to look after us. yes they sometimes did stupid things like all neighbours do and there were things he did sometimes that were not OK but that was more about how he was with people when he had taken something rather than the politics factor.

If something ever happened to him, the ones who would suffer wouldn’t be him, but his wife and soon to be teenaged daughter who would miss their husband and father.

Just because I am not happy with a person’s behaviour, doesn’t mean that I hate that person. I have seen so much of this all over the place and it’s taking people down a path which is just as destructive to them as to the people they are wanting to be destroyed. I do what I can to lead by example and for me, that example is treating people like people and condemning behaviours rather than the people who display them. I’d still say this if I were condemned for doing so. Hatred hurts the hater so much more than it hurts the hated.

Latest Musings and Goings On

I’m sitting here with a huge case of Writer’s Block but as I have non-toybox stuff happening soon which will take up a lot of my time, I need to get a post down at least before that sweeps me away.

I’ve had the good fortune to be able to attend quite a few munches and meet-ups to do with kink and polyamory which have been both informative and fun. I’ve met some interesting people there and updated my private rollerdex a little bit which I love to do whenever possible.

Playtime with various people has also been working out well.

I have one person, I’ll call him DB Dude, who is absolutely wonderful with me. He listens, knows what to do, I’ve never had a play session with him where I haven’t had at least one really good orgasm, mostly two so far but who’s counting, and he does other things with me and explains concepts in a way where I am guaranteed to understand. Having said all of this though, it’s best we are playfriends. We have different relationship models and changing where we are would be disastrous for the both of us.

last week, I had to do something about which I feel both proud and sad.

I had to draw a line in the sand with someone with whom I have previously played but who is as of last week, going to be a platonic friend, at least until things get better on his end. This person is mentally convalessing. He is dealing with some issues which make his state very precarious. One misstep and it’s back to square one. That is very tiring to me and I need to have the spoons or cycles to deal with it and I just don’t right now, especially as I am more or less the only one dealing with it on this level or rather, I have been so far. This has changed due to me being firmer than I like to be and than I have ever been and while it hurts me in a big way to have to be so hard to a very good friend, I need to do some self-care in this case. He knows all of this because I have been very honest about it. I just hope he also knows that I am doing it out of love.

Strange as it may seem, I am also having a wonderful time helping to cook for my family. It’s not every day but it’s sometimes and it feels so good to be able to help out, whether it be cooking a stew for them to take to a work do or using the money assigned to them for household expenses to actually pay some of the joint bills. As I can do it over an app, I am empowered and can make this happen when I get paid. I want to feel like I pay my way and this sort of thing really helps me to feel that way.

Let’s hope that things stay as tranquil and amazing as they have these last few weeks and months and that the next few weeks are happy and interesting.

The Smell Thing

This is going to be a very personal post for me. It’s one I have battled with for a while and feels heavy as I write it.

The idea of smell has been double-edged since I can remember. People don’t like to use that word unless it’s associated with smelling bad. If it’s good, it’s fragrance or scent or aroma but smell_ It’s bad smell or strong smell or you smell. It’s as if people know this instinctively.

I’ve been fascinated with this for a long time. I can’t pinpoint when it started but what I call the Smell Thing has been on my radar probably since puberty. It probably started with the aftershave of the first person I crushed on and kept going from there. I like to know about it in others and find references to it in books compelling.

But it hasn’t always been easy. I had an incident at about 19 which has made things very difficult for me ever since and it’s something I am still battling to deal with. It’s hard to talk about so please bear with me on this one.

I had a partner, I call him my Lesson. Let’s just call him Burner because he was a Burner partner, though I thank the Universe every day for having given him to me to show me the lesson on never settling. He was nice enough but not on my level in so many ways and he came out with some pretty awful and ablist things. One day, it was a normal hot Perth day and I wanted to play with him. He said to me “go away, you smell like a fish factory”. I was crushed then but had no idea it was going to cause problems later on like it has done.

It was one comment from one person in all of my life. It’s stayed with me even now. I get scared when being with new people. I get scared to let people use their mouths on me. I don’t like the idea of playing without showering first. If a person starts telling those fish jokes, alluding to vulvae, it’s a surefire way to get me not to play with them. It’s not just a silly comment, it’s a battle now.

Maybe writing about it willhelp. I have no idea what I can do to make this easier. I am supposed to be this sex-positive person who educates people. I am going to be educating people who have had no prior knowledge of any of this. I don’t want to give them my traumata as well.

I don’t want to let Burner win and I know that the way I handle this is doing that but I am at the end of my options. It’s almost been 20 years since this happened and I am still dealing with it now.

For reference, no one else has ever said anything like that to me. The only thing people have said is that as a person with more weight on me, I am going to smell like person more quickly but that’s different. I use deodorant and perfume and I shower regularly as in twice daily in Perth, once in Europe when it’s freezing.

I realise that this is a very all over the place post but these types of feelings are not doable in an orderly way. Maybe someone else has had something similar and will know they are not alone with it. I don’t know if it is going to help me but if it helps someone else to know that even I battle with this kind of thing, then it is worth the heartache associated with all of this.