Latest Musings and Goings On

I’m sitting here with a huge case of Writer’s Block but as I have non-toybox stuff happening soon which will take up a lot of my time, I need to get a post down at least before that sweeps me away.

I’ve had the good fortune to be able to attend quite a few munches and meet-ups to do with kink and polyamory which have been both informative and fun. I’ve met some interesting people there and updated my private rollerdex a little bit which I love to do whenever possible.

Playtime with various people has also been working out well.

I have one person, I’ll call him DB Dude, who is absolutely wonderful with me. He listens, knows what to do, I’ve never had a play session with him where I haven’t had at least one really good orgasm, mostly two so far but who’s counting, and he does other things with me and explains concepts in a way where I am guaranteed to understand. Having said all of this though, it’s best we are playfriends. We have different relationship models and changing where we are would be disastrous for the both of us.

last week, I had to do something about which I feel both proud and sad.

I had to draw a line in the sand with someone with whom I have previously played but who is as of last week, going to be a platonic friend, at least until things get better on his end. This person is mentally convalessing. He is dealing with some issues which make his state very precarious. One misstep and it’s back to square one. That is very tiring to me and I need to have the spoons or cycles to deal with it and I just don’t right now, especially as I am more or less the only one dealing with it on this level or rather, I have been so far. This has changed due to me being firmer than I like to be and than I have ever been and while it hurts me in a big way to have to be so hard to a very good friend, I need to do some self-care in this case. He knows all of this because I have been very honest about it. I just hope he also knows that I am doing it out of love.

Strange as it may seem, I am also having a wonderful time helping to cook for my family. It’s not every day but it’s sometimes and it feels so good to be able to help out, whether it be cooking a stew for them to take to a work do or using the money assigned to them for household expenses to actually pay some of the joint bills. As I can do it over an app, I am empowered and can make this happen when I get paid. I want to feel like I pay my way and this sort of thing really helps me to feel that way.

Let’s hope that things stay as tranquil and amazing as they have these last few weeks and months and that the next few weeks are happy and interesting.

The Smell Thing

This is going to be a very personal post for me. It’s one I have battled with for a while and feels heavy as I write it.

The idea of smell has been double-edged since I can remember. People don’t like to use that word unless it’s associated with smelling bad. If it’s good, it’s fragrance or scent or aroma but smell_ It’s bad smell or strong smell or you smell. It’s as if people know this instinctively.

I’ve been fascinated with this for a long time. I can’t pinpoint when it started but what I call the Smell Thing has been on my radar probably since puberty. It probably started with the aftershave of the first person I crushed on and kept going from there. I like to know about it in others and find references to it in books compelling.

But it hasn’t always been easy. I had an incident at about 19 which has made things very difficult for me ever since and it’s something I am still battling to deal with. It’s hard to talk about so please bear with me on this one.

I had a partner, I call him my Lesson. Let’s just call him Burner because he was a Burner partner, though I thank the Universe every day for having given him to me to show me the lesson on never settling. He was nice enough but not on my level in so many ways and he came out with some pretty awful and ablist things. One day, it was a normal hot Perth day and I wanted to play with him. He said to me “go away, you smell like a fish factory”. I was crushed then but had no idea it was going to cause problems later on like it has done.

It was one comment from one person in all of my life. It’s stayed with me even now. I get scared when being with new people. I get scared to let people use their mouths on me. I don’t like the idea of playing without showering first. If a person starts telling those fish jokes, alluding to vulvae, it’s a surefire way to get me not to play with them. It’s not just a silly comment, it’s a battle now.

Maybe writing about it willhelp. I have no idea what I can do to make this easier. I am supposed to be this sex-positive person who educates people. I am going to be educating people who have had no prior knowledge of any of this. I don’t want to give them my traumata as well.

I don’t want to let Burner win and I know that the way I handle this is doing that but I am at the end of my options. It’s almost been 20 years since this happened and I am still dealing with it now.

For reference, no one else has ever said anything like that to me. The only thing people have said is that as a person with more weight on me, I am going to smell like person more quickly but that’s different. I use deodorant and perfume and I shower regularly as in twice daily in Perth, once in Europe when it’s freezing.

I realise that this is a very all over the place post but these types of feelings are not doable in an orderly way. Maybe someone else has had something similar and will know they are not alone with it. I don’t know if it is going to help me but if it helps someone else to know that even I battle with this kind of thing, then it is worth the heartache associated with all of this.