Eroticon the Sunday Last in a Three Part Series

Sunday started a little bit later than Saturday which was really nice because it gave us some time to recover from Saturday night.

After the little welcome thingy, which was smaller than that of the Saturday because Saturday was where we listened to all of our little messages that had been put out on cards on the Friday night to replace the keynote that someone had to cancel because of a family emergency, I ran along to Kink Craft again, this time to make a collar. There is nothing better than being able to make things and take them home with you. I love crafty things and being able to make kinky crafty things was one of the highlights of the whole weekend.

Lunch was quite quick for me this year and afterwards, there was dessert and readings. This was my first Eroticon so I had never experienced this but the readings were hugely hot. I mean, I was squirming in my chair listening to them. I wanted to be the one begging to come for Sir. I liked the earthiness and the differences and even hearing some voices I hadn’t heard yet.

Talking to Adam from Godemiche was great as well. He gave me some wonderful feedback about my talk from the day before as well as a lovely toy I can take home to review. I met his wife and she was a bit harried but after we stopped for a bit longer and I was able to talk a little bit of Polish with her, she went away smiling and I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

I went around briefly to check in with the sponsors again and saw Nina from Temptation Holidays. I was so happy to talk to her and though I didn’t get a holiday, I got a sweet teddy and a toat bag with some lovely things inside it. Did I mention how much I love swag?

There were two sessions at the end which were so helpful for me. The one from Molly about how to improve the look of your site and the one by Girl On The Net about growing your numbers and improving your traffic. I learnt so much from both of those talks and will be talking to Molly about getting help with visuals when she’s not swamped with other things.

All of these talks have given me things to do, concrete ways to improve things and I want to do as much of that as I can as quickly and efficiently as possible before I forget.

After the raffle, which I didn’t win, we went to the bar of the Holiday Inn for drinks and chatty times. I stayed there for a bit and after fish and chips in a 1940’s style fish and chips shop with Eve Ray, I came back and talked with a small group including Cara Thereon. We discussed the parallels between being black and being blind; how both groups have to deal with similar issues from the public; how even though we are different, we understand each other on a certain level; how different Eroticon is from Woodhull; all of these similarities and differences.

I also got the chance to say goodbye to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone and I thanked them for seeing me as a person, as a sub, as all the things. John was having trouble resisting that big long plait so I told him “It’s OK, you can pull it, I’m OK with that.” He did and it felt so good. It wasn’t hard or flashy but it was a nice little imperative that made me feel seen and gave me warmth from my head to my toes. I love when things like that happen.

It was little things like that that were the highlights of this whole trip. Just being seen, acknowledged, like the fact that lots of people commented on my velvet type cape. “Who’s the lady with the cape?” I made a statement with my clothes, something I don’t often know how to do, but it worked this time. I am thinking of wearing a velvety dress under that cape next year.

Eroticon is my place and these are definitely my peeps. I want to go back next year or even see if I can get people to come to an Australian equivalent if we can get one started. I learnt so much and got to meet so many wonderful people and do things I had never done before. I feel more in control of the living entity that is my blog now and if that had been the only thing I came away with, it would have been big enough but as it is, I came away with so much that is both invaluable and immeasurable.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.

Eroticon Saturday Part Two in a Three Part Series

After a little bit of sleep, I woke up and Girl On The Net brought me to Arlington House where the conference was being held. I got my goody bag and my goodness do I love getting swag!! It had two coffee mugs in it and I got a third one which was a travel mug. There were some paper pamphlet thingies in there too which I gave to her to give to others but there was a wonderful toat bag and even a little jar of honey. I also put my things on the buy swap sell table and though some of it didn’t sell, a couple of things did.

I had my talk after that about erotic hypnosis and differences in talking dirty. That went relatively well, although I think I needed to have a list of resources on hand for the people who were there. I will do that next time. I was amazed at how many people came to my talk and how receptive and engaged they were. I’ve never done a talk and imagined a room with no one turning up but that didn’t happen. People were interested in what I had to say and that feels a bit weird.

I promised earlier in the week that streight after my talk, I would go to visit the people at the booth where I did the 69 second challenge and got some lovely goodies. I will be working with them and look forward to that as well.

Afterwards I went and relaxed with the people from Kink Craft. Andrew and Pixie were so sweet and I was able to make a mini flogger which will have pride of place when I find a bracket to hang up my impact toys.

Lunch was really tasty and while I was enjoying it, I got to meet the person behind Lexie Mueller, with whom I had a conversation about books and who was an aussie ex pat as well, as well as Jerusalem Mortimer who has one of the yummiest voices. I was maybe a bit too enthusiastic about it but he was alright with that. I made sure I followed the person behind Lexie Mueller and will be reading all the bookies at length. No, I mean books, not horseracing.

The talk that said velvet-voiced Mr. Mortimer gave about the history of BDSM in literature was very interesting as well. I had heard of some of the aspects but not all and it was telling that even back then they tried to remove it from the history books but didn’t succeed. The hug I got at the end was really nice as well.

There was a panel after that with Molly, Hyacinth, Kayla and Marie about how to make and participate in memes and I learnt a lot from that. I will be participating in a lot more memes from now on. I even have a picture for Sinful Sunday.

Kink Lab was interesting. i wanted to know if electro play was something I could get to enjoy with practice. Turns out, it really isn’t. One tiny tingle with the slowest setting and I was almost in tears with fear and sensory overload. The fact that there is a kink where I will have to say no to people, where I will have to draw a hard line, that made me want to cry. I know there are some I have always said will do that but feeling it, being confronted by it, well, that hurt inside. I need to actually grok that being a people pleaser will have its down sides. Knowing it and experiencing it are completely different things.

I went away from that to see the table full of kinky implements including pervertables. A mini cricket bat, a cheese board, a claw for pulling pulled pork, a derm abrasion roller thingy. All these things can be made into kinky implements. Michael might be making misery sticks next year so that will be interesting.

After some yummy food and a stop at my airb&b, which was absolutely brilliant by the way, I went to the Saturday night social. It was loud and there were lots and lots of people there. I found it difficult to socialise for most of the time but there were a couple of highlights.

I was seen as a sub!!

OK, so the person who saw me had had a bit too much to drink and was slightly impaired judgement wise, but he actually saw me. he took my hand and talked to me but there was this underlying conversation going on as well and that is rare at places like this. There was a feeling of wanting to obey so badly and I knew it for what it was and I didn’t necessarily want to be obeying *him* but it felt so good to be seen and validated as the submissive I am rather than blind first or fat first or something else that prevents people from seeing me as I am in my natural state so to speak.

I was able to sit and talk to and be scratched by a lovely man in the lobby bar of the Holiday Inn!

We talked for a while, acknowledged that we got on well and if things were different, maybe there could have been play of a different kind but it didn’t have to happen. He saw me as well and that was enough for me. He scratched me, just on the arm, but my wow did that feel so good!! He saw how it turned me into a begging subby mess and I enjoyed that level of play more than if there had been a marathon sex session.

After such a wonderful day, it was going to be hard to top it. More about that in part three.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.

Eroticon UK The Meet And Greet Part 1 in a 3 part Series

Tonight was the Meet And Greet for Eroticon 2019 and It is my first time there. Because I have been a little lax in my posts, I have decided to write things down just after they happen so they stay clear in my mind and I can process what happens.

I was picked up by Girl On The Net at around 7:15 in the evening and we walked down to the Holiday Inn where the social event was being held. It was wonderful to meet her and to have a little bit of time before everything started. It seems, as I found out later in the night, that we have a love of techy people in common. It was wonderful that she understood my feelings regarding yummy nerds. It was one of the highlights of my night.

It was also wonderful to walk into a room and to hear the different voices of all of the various bloggers. Some of them sounded as I expected and others didn’t. I had the same experience when I went to Woodhull last year.

Highlights included getting hugs from Jay and Tess, talking with John Brownstone at length about various kinks and meeting an autistic blogger and Mother of three autistic children with whom I had never interacted previously. We were both wearing very sensory clothes. Mine was soft and her dress was crunchy. She said that some of the hand movements I make a similar to hers and I felt understood and validated.

I’m so happy to have met everyone. I look forward to meeting more people tomorrow and though I am nervous about my talk, I think it should be okay.

Part two happens tomorrow.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.

My Feelings About Woodhull

I had the honour of being able to attend the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit from the second till the fifth of August 2018. It was a wonderful few days, a very intense few days and a very amazing and enlightening few days. It was also a very sad few days and I need to be able to write about both aspects of this so I can process but also so that people will see how things are and were and maybe get a chance to understand things from the point of view of someone who does things very differently.

It was wonderful to meet and spend time with all of the bloggers. It felt so strange in a good way to say “I’m from the Helen’s Toybox blog” and have people squeal and give me hugs and just overall be happy to see me. It was also really interesting to hear voices of people with whom I had never spoken. I expected some voices to be sterner than they were and also the opposite.

Because I don’t have pictures, I literally don’t see people, I don’t have certain lenses through which to view them. Colour or size will only exist to me if I touch a person or if they have a voice that gives anything like that away. Even then, I just take it down as a part of who the person is.

I was also really amazed about people’s reactions to my accent. I could literally smile and be polite and people bent over backwards to give me things and to help me. It felt good when I had time to process that it was actually happening. I’d never been in that situation before. I find it very hard to just receive and was taught that you never ask for presents so when people wanted to give me things for free or they wanted to set me up with swag or show me all sorts of things, well, I had to figure out what to do. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, just very overwhelmed that people wanted to do all of that for me. It was a change in mindset that no one could have warned me about because the way I am about that isn’t something people notice about me online, at least, I don’t think it is.

I ended up only going to two talks and part of the live recording of the Dildorks but I enjoyed those and I got notes about a talk that if it is done again next year, I will certainly make time to go to that talk too. I also, with the consent of the panelists, made audio recordings for them as a back-up in case their live stream audio wasn’t very good. I will not be giving those out but they have been given to the panelists.

I need to do the hard bit now and that’s scaring me a lot. i don’t like conflict and I don’t like talking about difficult things but I suppose in order to make things better for next time, I had better get it out.

The first problem I had was that the hotel is very archaic in regards to money things. You either pay cash or you have a credit card or a debit card but if you have a debit card, they make things complicated. They did this with me and because my bank is not in the states, I needed to use someone else’s phone to call internationally to sort things out. It ended up being the hotel’s issue but I didn’t appreciate being treated as if I were one of *those* people who finds any excuse not to pay for things. That’s how it felt from the point-of-view of the hotel.

If they had had paypal or Apple/Google Pay, for example, this could have been sorted a lot more easily on the first day. AS it is, I need to find out how much the poor person had to pay for that very long international call and pay them back for it. They were wonderful in helping me but as it was, I missed out on two things I would have loved to have experienced in full because the hotel didn’t get its stuff together correctly. It also made my roommate very unhappy and that just got me plain angry. She couldn’t help any of it.

The way the hotel was, things were very loud, there were very bad acoustics and the whole place was very open plan with places where you could fall quite easily. AS it was, I always needed to get help to get from one place to another. Because my sim didn’t work like it should have, I didn’t use Aira very much because the wifi wasn’t amazing. This meant I had to always ask for help to get to wherever I wanted to go. It highlighted my disability which may have led to the next and hardest point I need to make.

I had had plans and hopes of doing some interesting play experiments while at Woodhull. I wanted to test how things would be regarding my reactions to impact play under hypnosis. I had a couple of people with whom I had made plans. Everything and I mean everything fell through. One person was not well and that was sorted out. They checked in with me, we met and I felt how much pain they were in. They want to catch up with me when not dealing with the after effects of something that horriffic and that’s perfectly fine.

In other situations, and these are my feelings and no accusations here, I truly felt like I wasn’t seen. I felt like as a blogger, I was seen and people were happy to know me. As someone to play with, not so much. It felt like a switch flipped and I disappeared from view and even if I said something, it wasn’t going to be heard or acknowledged. I didn’t know if it was because I don’t use the same body language as everyone else or if I was too intense or too obviously something else. People saw the things I said and asked for as being cute or fun or “awww look at that”. It was like being in highschool all over again and I felt sad because I had no idea how to fix any of it. I can’t read physical social cues. i had no idea if people found me repugnant in that way or were too afraid to ask me because of their own issues, none of that because no one said anything.

I wasn’t prepared for any of that.

Having said that, I had a wonderful roommate who not only saw me but was very demonstrative about seeing and acknowledging all of what I was. I can’t say how much I appreciated her and her wonderful empathy. Even when the money thing happened and she was so upset, she was always sweet to me and I am so thankful that I had her sharing a room with me.

Despite all of this, I want to come back next year. I am going to review the swag I got this year, really get into the sponsorship possibilities and thanks to possible grants, live some other dreams and make people aware that physically disabled people are here, we’re not going anywhere and we will be seen and acknowledged in all the ways. Accessibility must not be an afterthought in other places and I refuse for it to be one in the framework of sexual freedom.

I want to do work with sex tech and accessibility. Virtual reality is more than just visuals. If blind and vision impaired people don’t speak up, we will be left behind, invisible, that afterthought where the solution is cobbled together to show token adherance to industry standards. I will not stand by and let this happen.

I hope to show how there is freedom in leading by example and showing love to those who need it. People are humans first and so many people forget about humanity in their push for equality. Humans make mistakes. They are not always going to be perfect. But coming at it from a place of anger and hatred is not how I am going to fight this battle.

Above all, I am going to see to it that I will be seen and acknowledged as being a sexual person with the same abilities to consent and give and receive pleasure as everyone else. Maybe it’s a bit me me me but dammit, it’s important because maybe someone else needs something similar and if I pave the way, maybe it will be made easier for the next generation.