I was talking to a person I love recently and the conversation inspired me to write. I need to add here that this person, I’ll call him B, is not in a romantic or sexual relationship with me.
So we chat on irc, sometimes in voice, and he’s told me about his various relationship situations. I like him a lot. he’s got a sexy voice, a wonderful brain, he’s techy/nerdy like I like and he’s very open. i have lots of feelings about him.
I check in with him, see how everything’s going, am happy when he’s around. He has also told me that he isn’t into doing sexual things in a virtual space.
We talked recently as I said and he said to me that he’s stretched thin, trying to please people, that he isn’t into virtual play. He even recommended someone who has more time if I want to pursue them. All of these things felt like he was telling me that he was not interested in a relationship with me. The thing is, I am not looking for a relationship either right now. I also told him this and it got me to thinking.
It doesn’t seem to matter how open people are, how monogamous or non-monogamous. It’s like the relationship escalator is planned from birth. First comes love, then marriage, then kids.
If you deviate from that, well, it’s like the operating system crashes and the boot disk is broken somehow. It’s like someone did a super User Do and got the app “Relationship Escalator” by default on all operating systems. You actually have to remove it and it’s got so many hooks in your system, you don’t even realise that it’s doing it until you try to remove it. Then if you have removed it, others have it and try to reinstall it because that’s what you need, right?
At least, … for me.
I have feelings for this beautiful man. Maybe they are feelings of like, love, lust, devotion sometimes, exhasperation, sadness, perhaps there will be anger one day. The thing is, I have all of these feelings and I act on my feelings.
I act on them in that I check up on him; in that I listen to him when he feels he needs to talk; in that I brim over with compersion when he is feeling NRE; in that I leave him alone when he is busy but am there for him if both of us happen to be around; in that I write music for him and give it to him, showing him how I feel without words. This is how I act on my feelings; not expecting there to be a relationship or a rejection.
I really hope he will understand me one day, understand what I am trying to explain to him, that I have removed super user access to my relationship programming from a society who will never understand how to do things differently.