Sudo Apt install Relationship-Escalator

I was talking to a person I love recently and the conversation inspired me to write. I need to add here that this person, I’ll call him B, is not in a romantic or sexual relationship with me.

So we chat on irc, sometimes in voice, and he’s told me about his various relationship situations. I like him a lot. he’s got a sexy voice, a wonderful brain, he’s techy/nerdy like I like and he’s very open. i have lots of feelings about him.

I check in with him, see how everything’s going, am happy when he’s around. He has also told me that he isn’t into doing sexual things in a virtual space.

We talked recently as I said and he said to me that he’s stretched thin, trying to please people, that he isn’t into virtual play. He even recommended someone who has more time if I want to pursue them. All of these things felt like he was telling me that he was not interested in a relationship with me. The thing is, I am not looking for a relationship either right now. I also told him this and it got me to thinking.

It doesn’t seem to matter how open people are, how monogamous or non-monogamous. It’s like the relationship escalator is planned from birth. First comes love, then marriage, then kids.

If you deviate from that, well, it’s like the operating system crashes and the boot disk is broken somehow. It’s like someone did a super User Do and got the app “Relationship Escalator” by default on all operating systems. You actually have to remove it and it’s got so many hooks in your system, you don’t even realise that it’s doing it until you try to remove it. Then if you have removed it, others have it and try to reinstall it because that’s what you need, right?

WRONG!!!

At least, … for me.

I have feelings for this beautiful man. Maybe they are feelings of like, love, lust, devotion sometimes, exhasperation, sadness, perhaps there will be anger one day. The thing is, I have all of these feelings and I act on my feelings.

I act on them in that I check up on him; in that I listen to him when he feels he needs to talk; in that I brim over with compersion when he is feeling NRE; in that I leave him alone when he is busy but am there for him if both of us happen to be around; in that I write music for him and give it to him, showing him how I feel without words. This is how I act on my feelings; not expecting there to be a relationship or a rejection.

I really hope he will understand me one day, understand what I am trying to explain to him, that I have removed super user access to my relationship programming from a society who will never understand how to do things differently.

The Processing Issues No-one Talks About

My dear readers,

This post is going to be a difficult one to write. I know I am going to get some people who will not understand but I will plough on anyway and at least try to make things as easy as I can.

So picture this. You have your eyes closed or a blindfold on, and no idea what is coming up next. Then a person walks into the room with a voice with the depth of Barry White and says to you: “Hi, my name is Stephanie.”

to me, a person who’s experienced this, who is neurodiverse, who is blind, this is what it feels like.

You hear the song and it is in the key of C. You know this because your relative pitch says C major, you know, related to A minor, no sharps and flats, all the white keys. But everyone is telling you that that song you are hearing in C is actually in A flat, you know, related to F minor, four flats, a mixture of black and white keys.

And your brain … goes … heywire!!!

you panic, have no idea what to expect, breathe quickly, are so scared you will fail at life. Everyone around you is trying to make you say it’s in that key but everything you know is how it is suddenly isn’t how it is. You don’t know what’s left, right, up, down, just nothing makes sense and you have no idea what’s going on.

This is not a logical response but an emotional one.

it has nothing to do with being a biggott. It’s not a lack of willingness to accept and try hard. It is simply a brain that works differently trying to wrap itself around the changes.

I love and accept when a person is trans or gender fluid or gender queer. I want to be tolerant and I want to do the right thing. I also deal with a lack of spoons or a need to process. I know with me, it’s the “what’s going on” or the “wait a minute, processing…” and not the “yuck they are different” kind of processing.

One of the places where I have seen parallels is when trying to teach people who have never met a blind person about how to do things. They are nervous, don’t know what’s going on and are so scared they wil fail at life.

Then you get the ones that deliberately go out of their way to make life hard and on those days, you just want to say “damned sighted toolbags!!” But seeing it from the other side, from the side where you are trying and they just met the toolbag and are taking it out on the next person, all I ask is to please see that there is a group of us out there who are trying and who want to be educated but are dealing with our own diversity issues and sometimes, it really does take a bit of time to process.

Thank you so much in advance for seeing, understanding and apreciating when someone is really doing their best. I will, in turn, be just as appreciative when the shoe is on the other foot.

Leading by Example

Hey everyone,

So I was washing my hands after my pilgrimage to the loo when I had a thought, as you do.

There are so many types of people who blog and there will be all sorts of disagreements about what is OK and what isn’t. The trans woman of colour, the white cis man, the democrat, the republican, the non-binary anarchist … and they were so hot too … but anyway, what I was trying to say before my imagination derailed me, was that everyone has their place in this world. People are going to think that their opposite is wrong on so many levels and I have that myself.

The thing about this is that we are all humans who need love. The republican friend with the traditional nuclear family is just as human as the non-binary person living in a polycule.

I will stand up for the rights of those who can’t defend themselves. I will try to smooth the way between opposing sides. What I will not do is say “oh, she’s white” or “oh, hhe’s thin” and think that that makes the person automatically unworthy of love. What I tend to do is to lead by example. I meet a person and treat them the way they treat me. I will give an example of how this kind of thing works in a situation that maybe isn’t so globally explosive.

There is prejudice against a lot of blind people from the sighted majority but there is also prejudice the other way. I often hear “those awful sightlings have no clue” or “I would never have a relationship with a sighted person”. I have to admit, when I was younger, I was just as prejudiced and in some ways, I still am.

I have met lovely blind people, awful sighted people, and exactly the other way around. People are going to be who they are whether their eyes work or not. It’s the same in other minorities.

this world is going mad and people are becoming artificially fragmented by having to stay in their own groups. I won’t do that. I give love where I need it and listen and learn when I can so the other points of view are at least glympsed. It does not mean that I agree with people who oppress and it does not mean that I am a “damned socialist” or a “bloody fascist”. It means that I practise diversity in that I lead by example.

The scary but necessary first post

Hey to my wonderful readers,

This is my first post and it’s going to be amazing and breathtaking and pack a huge punch … actually, I’m probably going to second-guess myself a bit and wonder if I have made a good first impression just like everyone else.

I think I had better introduce myself so the world knows what it is getting itself into here. My name is Helen. No, it is not my real given name but it is for this blog. I am what people call fat, bbw, plus-sized, large, cuddly, comfy, all of it. I am also a very sexual and sensual person. Yes, these things go together along with being blind since birth.

I am in my mid 30s and very openly polyamorous, though for the moment, still married to a monogamous person who tolerates but does not accept my polyamory. We have made agreements to live with this. Though the situation is not optimal but will be as soon as is logistically feasible.

Geeky, nerdy, techy people are the hottest thing on this earth. This is not negotiable!!

Hopefully, I’ll be able to cover everything from audio recordings of unboxing sex toys to synaesthesia to word triggers and what they mean, even the best music for play time.

Constructive feedback is welcome, trolls can find the nearest bridge and enjoy themselves there because my site isn’t there for that purpose.

Because social media is a thing, here are the places.

Twitter: @helenstoybox
Skype: helenstoybox
email: [email protected]

right, now that’s done, the scary first post, maybe I can put on some Bach, have a lemon, lime and bitters and find some hackers so I can cook them food.

Yours withlove

Helen