The Looky-Look Dilemma

I’ve been reading quite a number of blogs over the past nine months or so and following sex-positive people and those who work in the sex industry before that and there has been one thing that stood out with almost all of them. Somewhere along the line, they have made money using their image.

Some take nudes and sell them, others make porn. Still others use video chat programs or web cams. People say that this is what will bring in revenue.

But what if you just are not visually aware enough to do the vid thing?

It would be amazing to be in a porn movie. It would be cool to be able to send people nudes or chat on camera with them. The thing is, I just don’t feel that I am as yet visually aware enough to pull any of that off. When I say “visually aware”, I do not mean that I don’t look good because of my size or my age or that kind of thing. What I mean is that I have no clue what my face does on camera. My movements go all jerky when I know I am being filmed. My hands even shake if it is me holding the phone. People have to tell me where to aim and so my face will have the look of concentration on it when it is facing the person telling me how to aim. Now personally, I don’t think that’s sexy. It would be like that absent-minded voice you have when you are doing something else. I look stilted and programmed and that isn’t what a person wants to see when they want to get hot and sexy.

The thing is, I have no answer to this dilemma right now because everything I would do to change it would be learned actions as well so that would look more scripted still. I could, when my situation improves, have a camera set-up which stays in the same place all the time. I could get some shots taken by a professional and sell them. I could even get nudes done without my face, as photos so people don’t see how scripted it is. But it will never be that which comes from a person who can control what their body and face are doing by looking in a mirror.

The closest I can come to this is to look at the possibility of selling audio clips, for example. They would be done brilliantly so far as quality goes but as I have been told all of my life, people want the visuals. People want to see you and anything else would be seen as second rate.

I may come up with an answer at some point but for now, it will have to stay as it is. One of the various issues I am confronted with and do battle with most days.


As it has been a pretty long time since I put out a post, I think I should probably tell what’s been happening and what is likely to happen soon.

I am in the process of finishing a review and will be starting another one with a more well-known company very soon about which I am really excited. I hope it goes well and I am a little bit nervous.

I now have pictures sorted out to make the site actually look like a real blog site and less like a new install of Word Press. Unfortunately, I don’t know Word Press and don’t have the funds to get a professional to do all the things just now so I am relying on people who have their own lives, trials and tribulations and things will be done on their schedule. All that has to be done is to place things where they belong and it should look better very soon.

Hopefully, after all of that, I will have a lot more to blog about and a nice clean new spiffy looking place to put my musings and ramblings.

Please bear with me until then. I am very grateful that you hang in there and follow what I do. It’s all pretty new to me and I’m just holding on for the wild ride.

The PIV Conspiracy

When you ask people about sex, the answer to all the questions is so often Penis in Vagina. It not only is the answer but it’s the only answer and everything else gets put into the secondary box by default.

Personally, I find that modus operandi very depressing if it is the only choice as there are so many options out there. The thing is though, that was not always the case. I only counted sex if it was penetrative. I didn’t count any of the myriad of choices on offer as complete sex.

Nowadays with the size I am and the various kinks I have, other forms of sex are really starting to make a lot more sense for me and my needs. I found this out when having a mind-blowing sexual experience that was not penetrative and the penetrative part felt like how people so often count the other so-called preludes or postludes to sex.

When I found out that the person found the so-called “real sex” a non-event and wanted to remove it from the list of things we did, I found myself not really being as upset about it as I thought I would because if it meant keeping things like humiliation and impact play, I would be more than happy to make that trade.

If people discount anything other than PIV as “real” sex, they are limiting their selections so much but will have to find this out themselves. It’s one of those things you have to have experienced and having people tell you won’t have the effect that experienceing it will have.

It was a lightbulb moment for me because I had heard of this being a thing with others but hadn’t experienced it myself as yet. Now I have and it feels like someone opened a big box of treasures and said “start exploring”.

The kink that changed my life that isn’t mine

Sometimes, you hear about a person’s kink and are like “well, that’s not for me” and move on. Let me tell you about a kink that’s definitely not mine but it changed my life.

I fell in love with him because of his voice. It’s rich, deep and velvety and hypnotic. I’ll call him %Brian% in this article.

So I had no idea that when he and I decided to become a thing, that his biggest kink would be the one that scares me the most but it turned out that that was the case. The strange thing is, it never occurred to me to reject him or to reject his kink even though I was scared. It was like “OK, he’s into this, my job is to make him happy.”

Electricity has scared me since I was a little kid. Power points, lightning, that sparky sound people use to show that the power is live and dangerous? Yeah, all of that is scary. So to find out that someone I am very close to is into electrostim? Yeah, that just made me need to sit back and take a look at what I knew so far.

I have always been the type of person who thinks out of the box a little bit and so when %Brian% asked me if we could try things remotely, I wanted to see what that would be like.

I won’t tell exactly how I did it but it involved talking to him on an app on my phone while running the tones he was using for his brand of electro through my mixer on another program and playing with the levels to increase and decrease current.

This was before remotely controllable toys existed. so when I heard about teledildonics, my ears pricked up and I not only was interested but wanted it done to me. It’s one of my biggest kinks now and if it hadn’t been for conquering part of my fear, I wouldn’t have wanted to go there quite as quickly.

As for my fear of electricity, I am still very scared of receiving electrostim but giving is OK which is big and if %Brian% ever wanted to do it to me, even though we are just friends now, I would at least want to try even if trying means running away after the first tingly feelings. I want to see if I can experience the good parts that some know and love.

Troublesome kinks

I was telling a friend about a kink I have and was met with a feeling of absolute distress as it totally repulsed him. But I wasn’t upset with him, in fact, it made me think.

So I have a bit of a weakness for the aggressive, snarky, military types.

The household I was raised in was a very labor party one. I have never really been exposed to this type of man except as sadistic physical education teachers. I’ve been taught that killing is not OK, that you use words to fight your battles and not implements. But the idea of the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket saying to me all those things he said to his recruits gives me wet panties for some strange reason.

I want someone to say all of those degrading, humiliating things and then check to see what it’s doing to me and then comment about it to everyone who can hear and then see because he just couldn’t help showing them. it also doesn’t help that I imagine someone I have spoken with being that person and doing said things.

People have often told me about their taboos, the things that were naughty or dirty for them. I didn’t really understand because it was often sex or masturbation or their bodies. But this particular kink feels like a huge naughty dirty taboo for me.

I have been told so often that anything military is not allowed. I feel like I have to do it in secret, like telling about it is hard, that I will be judged for having these feelings.

When I think about it, it’s a kink or fetish a lot of others have and logically, there isn’t really a reason for it to be awful but whether I read stories on my favourite erotica site that have US Marines in them or get secretly hot over a gang of diabolical nazi soldiers taking turns with me, it all feels so much worse than a lot of the other kinks I have that would be more wrong in another person’s eyes and it’s taken a lot of courage to admit it to the world.

It doesn’t make me a horrible person. It doesn’t mean that I will be a military camp follower. It just means that the idea, the thought, the fantasy is hot. Maybe I will get the chance to play with a military person one day, maybe I won’t but I’m not going to try to make it happen. If it does, I will treasure the experience like I do with all of my kinky playtime.

What kinds of kinks do you have that you find scary but that others perhaps wouldn’t? Comments and mentions or dm’s to @helenstoybox are welcome.

A Review of the Cumpanion Towl Go here to buy one

Photograph of The Cumpanion spread out. It is a grey microfiber towel with a black edge.I had heard of these little beauties all over my twitter but then I decided to order me some to see what the fuss was all about. The idea of a towel specifically for sexual after care had never entered my head but I decided to give it a go and see what would happen.

The site where you can order both the Cumpanion and the CuddleBean is very accessible for the blind. This gave it a big huge plus for me. Also Anna Rae was very helpful and friendly and she checked to see if everything was going well.

The description of the towels on the page gave me a very good idea of what to expect when they arrived. I ordered the blue Cumpanion and it was just as described. This is an oval shaped, soft microfibre towel 24 inches by 15 inches (60.96cm by 38.1cm) with an edge trimmed in satin with a pocket at one end.

The oval shape and the softness of the microfibre give the towel a soft and sensuous feel, though if you have an issue with the texture of microfibre, be warned that this is what it is. Also, make sure you don’t use fabric softeners as it takes the softness away but vinegar is a good substitute.

I used the towel both when I was masturbating alone and also when I was playing with someone else and needed to clean up afterwards and it was not abrasive and removed more of the mess than if I had used normal towels or tissues.

The only thing I can say that can be a bugbear if you are not careful is that if you are living outside of America, shipping and customs can bite you, though this has more to do with the postal service and with Customs than with the company itself.

To conclude: I would definitely recommend the Cumpanion to anyone who would like a towel to use specifically for sexual aftercare.Photograph of The Cumpanion folded into thirds. It is a grey microfiber towel with a black edge.

I would like to thank Anna Rae for the pictures to go with this review. This post was endorsed, though not sponsored by, and is completely my own opinion and work.

A big announcement

On the 14th of November, I am going to be moderating Sex Talk Tuesday. It will be about word triggers and erotic hypnosis.

i debated whether to use my non-toybox twitter or the one associated with my blog and I decided to use the blog one.

This will be my first big stint into some pretty public sex education places and I am actually really nervous. What if I do it wrong? What if people don’t want to hear what I have to say? What if I say a really wrong thing? I know this isn’t logical but sometimes, logic and emotion are not in the same place.

Well, all of the everything has been handed in to the team so it’s here goes nothing on Tuesday, november the 14th at 3 P.M. Eastern Standard Time when @helenstoybox moderates Sex Talk Tuesday.

To Those Who Look at Me and See their Nightmare …

Thanks for bearing with me and my late post. Today, it’s not a fun post but a sort of open letter to those who feel they have to lecture a person they don’t know very well who just happens to be plus sized.
This is something that touches me most days in some way so I thought I would write about it to give those who need it my point of view.

I am, for those who can’t see me, very much overweight. The world’s health freaks would call me morbidly obese.

I don’t sit there scoffing candies or lollies or chockies most of my life. I love my grilled fish and chicken and all the vegies. I don’t eat red meat and haven’t since I was about a year old and found the texture a problem. I like fried things but have an air frier and use the oven mostly. I like eating out but do it far less than most.

And I am not willing to let my body be surgically mutilated in the hope that other people’s nightmares will go away.

Still, when I go out or speak to people, it can happen that some, particularly a lot of women, will look at me and see their worst nightmare. They see how they don’t want to be. They see something they are so scared will happen to them.

It manifests itself in all sorts of ways from them telling me how they lost weight last week to flat out telling me I shouldn’t be eating or drinking this or that. I even once had a casheer tell me that men want skinny women, to which I answered that I had a master who has a fat fetish. This was after I bought some crisps for my husband mind you.

This message is for all of these people.

Stop projecting your nightmares onto me. Because when you do this, I feel it. As an empath, I feel your pain and your suffering and there is nothing I can do to help you. In fact, I take on your hurt and that makes the situation you are afraid of much worse because the stress is what makes people gain weight.

I have a fulfilling life with people, yes, people, who love me for who I am. I do all I can to make sure that the world knows it is loved. I use my weight as comfort for those who need a place to rest and someone to listen. People tell me I give really good hugs. Yes, i can do that the size I am. I have an active and very imaginative brain and I am so grateful for those in my life who show me how beautiful the world can be.

So please, look at me and see the smile I am willing to give you just for existing instead of the nightmare you are convinced is lerking so close beneath the surface because I am not your nightmare. I am the exact opposite if you will just take a second look.

Funny Work Stories … or are they?

As I said a couple of weeks ago, I work as a phone sex operator. I have done this in two languages and two different countrys’ systems since around 2008.

Every job has its stories: happy, sad, silly and even funny. I’d love to be able to share a few of the more unusual ones this week with you, my readers. Names will not be used because breaking confidences is absolutely not OK.

Cheese Wheels

The story almost had to be witnessed to be believed but it happened.

I got a work call from a man who said that he wanted me to play a dominant cheese farmer woman from Holland. He wanted to be made to lend his car to the girls who worked with her so that they could deliver their cheese wheels around the neighbourhood.

As if that weren’t enough, they were supposed to make sure the car got dented and muddied while they were delivering said cheese wheels. To top it off, I was to wank him off using a slice of cheese.

Old McDonald

This caller, I had at least three times when I was working for this particular company. Let’s call him Anthony.

He would call me up and say that he wanted to be dressed up in humiliating clothes such as diapers or nappies with duckies printed on them and a bright mustard yellow sweatshirt. He even said he should be made to wear a dunce hat and a clown nose. People were to dance around him singing “Wankie Wankie Wan-kie” in the neener neener neener way that kids sing when taunting someone.

He was also to be made to read Old McDonald and sing it, pointing out the animals, what they looked like and what soundds they made. At the time, I was hit with an inspiration and played the song on my stage piano with a music box type of sound. He really went for that.

Turns out his day job was as a therapist.

Soft Kitty

This confersation actually happened with a work caller.

Me: Hello
Them: Meow.
Me: Mrrrrrrrow!
Them Meeeeow!

This went on for about a minute and a half until they said “Oh are you a soft kitty?” afterwhich they hung up.

Now maybe people will think that this post was to make fun of my clients but actually, that’s not the case.

Everyone has different fetishes and kinks, some of which they don’t feel comfortable revealing to their partners or their employers. A lot of very closed-minded people would make sure, for example, that the therapist did not keep his job if they found out what his sexual preferences were. There are many neuro-diverse people whose kinks run to the very bizarre.

What I try to do in my work is to give these people a safe place so that they can live out their extremely unusual fantasies without being judged or laughed at, … unless of course, that is their kink.

If you do sex work of any kind, you will most likely come up against this kind of thing. Please think before you open your mouth if what is going to come out is likely to take away that safe place.

Dementor attack

For those who don’t know, dementors are a creature in the Harry Potter books which suck out the good feelings and leave you with nothing but despair. In the books, you send them away with your patronus which takes the form of an animal that means something to you and the way to get rid of residual effects is to eat chocolate. It is said that J. K. Rowling said that the dementors were a physical representation of depression.

As I have said previously, I have been dealing with a lot of life changes and today, I woke up feeling that I was in the middle of a pack of dementors. The thought of doing anything has felt too big and too difficult. I was able to do simple things like shower and eat food but the thing I normally do on Thursdays in my non-toybox-life will be done tomorrow.

normally I am one to want to be upbeat, to share the good things, but I think it’s important to show this side because maybe one day, someone will read this and know they are not alone and also that they can share their feelings about this kind of thing. Even someone like me doesn’t always taste bright colours.

I know that Mental health Day was a couple of days ago and it seems that maybe this kind of post could be appropriate. Reach out to friends and family. You never know what they are dealing with at any given time.