A big announcement

On the 14th of November, I am going to be moderating Sex Talk Tuesday. It will be about word triggers and erotic hypnosis.

i debated whether to use my non-toybox twitter or the one associated with my blog and I decided to use the blog one.

This will be my first big stint into some pretty public sex education places and I am actually really nervous. What if I do it wrong? What if people don’t want to hear what I have to say? What if I say a really wrong thing? I know this isn’t logical but sometimes, logic and emotion are not in the same place.

Well, all of the everything has been handed in to the team so it’s here goes nothing on Tuesday, november the 14th at 3 P.M. Eastern Standard Time when @helenstoybox moderates Sex Talk Tuesday.

To Those Who Look at Me and See their Nightmare …

Thanks for bearing with me and my late post. Today, it’s not a fun post but a sort of open letter to those who feel they have to lecture a person they don’t know very well who just happens to be plus sized.
This is something that touches me most days in some way so I thought I would write about it to give those who need it my point of view.

I am, for those who can’t see me, very much overweight. The world’s health freaks would call me morbidly obese.

I don’t sit there scoffing candies or lollies or chockies most of my life. I love my grilled fish and chicken and all the vegies. I don’t eat red meat and haven’t since I was about a year old and found the texture a problem. I like fried things but have an air frier and use the oven mostly. I like eating out but do it far less than most.

And I am not willing to let my body be surgically mutilated in the hope that other people’s nightmares will go away.

Still, when I go out or speak to people, it can happen that some, particularly a lot of women, will look at me and see their worst nightmare. They see how they don’t want to be. They see something they are so scared will happen to them.

It manifests itself in all sorts of ways from them telling me how they lost weight last week to flat out telling me I shouldn’t be eating or drinking this or that. I even once had a casheer tell me that men want skinny women, to which I answered that I had a master who has a fat fetish. This was after I bought some crisps for my husband mind you.

This message is for all of these people.

Stop projecting your nightmares onto me. Because when you do this, I feel it. As an empath, I feel your pain and your suffering and there is nothing I can do to help you. In fact, I take on your hurt and that makes the situation you are afraid of much worse because the stress is what makes people gain weight.

I have a fulfilling life with people, yes, people, who love me for who I am. I do all I can to make sure that the world knows it is loved. I use my weight as comfort for those who need a place to rest and someone to listen. People tell me I give really good hugs. Yes, i can do that the size I am. I have an active and very imaginative brain and I am so grateful for those in my life who show me how beautiful the world can be.

So please, look at me and see the smile I am willing to give you just for existing instead of the nightmare you are convinced is lerking so close beneath the surface because I am not your nightmare. I am the exact opposite if you will just take a second look.

Funny Work Stories … or are they?

As I said a couple of weeks ago, I work as a phone sex operator. I have done this in two languages and two different countrys’ systems since around 2008.

Every job has its stories: happy, sad, silly and even funny. I’d love to be able to share a few of the more unusual ones this week with you, my readers. Names will not be used because breaking confidences is absolutely not OK.

Cheese Wheels

The story almost had to be witnessed to be believed but it happened.

I got a work call from a man who said that he wanted me to play a dominant cheese farmer woman from Holland. He wanted to be made to lend his car to the girls who worked with her so that they could deliver their cheese wheels around the neighbourhood.

As if that weren’t enough, they were supposed to make sure the car got dented and muddied while they were delivering said cheese wheels. To top it off, I was to wank him off using a slice of cheese.

Old McDonald

This caller, I had at least three times when I was working for this particular company. Let’s call him Anthony.

He would call me up and say that he wanted to be dressed up in humiliating clothes such as diapers or nappies with duckies printed on them and a bright mustard yellow sweatshirt. He even said he should be made to wear a dunce hat and a clown nose. People were to dance around him singing “Wankie Wankie Wan-kie” in the neener neener neener way that kids sing when taunting someone.

He was also to be made to read Old McDonald and sing it, pointing out the animals, what they looked like and what soundds they made. At the time, I was hit with an inspiration and played the song on my stage piano with a music box type of sound. He really went for that.

Turns out his day job was as a therapist.

Soft Kitty

This confersation actually happened with a work caller.

Me: Hello
Them: Meow.
Me: Mrrrrrrrow!
Them Meeeeow!

This went on for about a minute and a half until they said “Oh are you a soft kitty?” afterwhich they hung up.

Now maybe people will think that this post was to make fun of my clients but actually, that’s not the case.

Everyone has different fetishes and kinks, some of which they don’t feel comfortable revealing to their partners or their employers. A lot of very closed-minded people would make sure, for example, that the therapist did not keep his job if they found out what his sexual preferences were. There are many neuro-diverse people whose kinks run to the very bizarre.

What I try to do in my work is to give these people a safe place so that they can live out their extremely unusual fantasies without being judged or laughed at, … unless of course, that is their kink.

If you do sex work of any kind, you will most likely come up against this kind of thing. Please think before you open your mouth if what is going to come out is likely to take away that safe place.

Dementor attack

For those who don’t know, dementors are a creature in the Harry Potter books which suck out the good feelings and leave you with nothing but despair. In the books, you send them away with your patronus which takes the form of an animal that means something to you and the way to get rid of residual effects is to eat chocolate. It is said that J. K. Rowling said that the dementors were a physical representation of depression.

As I have said previously, I have been dealing with a lot of life changes and today, I woke up feeling that I was in the middle of a pack of dementors. The thought of doing anything has felt too big and too difficult. I was able to do simple things like shower and eat food but the thing I normally do on Thursdays in my non-toybox-life will be done tomorrow.

normally I am one to want to be upbeat, to share the good things, but I think it’s important to show this side because maybe one day, someone will read this and know they are not alone and also that they can share their feelings about this kind of thing. Even someone like me doesn’t always taste bright colours.

I know that Mental health Day was a couple of days ago and it seems that maybe this kind of post could be appropriate. Reach out to friends and family. You never know what they are dealing with at any given time.

Secrets of a Phone Sex Operator

One of the things I do when I am not writing this blog is work as a phone sex operator. I have done this since 2008 with a brief hiatus in 2010. I have also worked bilingually which is probably quite unique.

There has been a lot written about things they don’t tell you when you are a phone sex operator but as far as I know, the things written here are not normally in those articles.

Here is a pretty comprehensive list of things not many people will tell you about working in the phone sex industry.

1. You have to repeat yourself a lot and try to make it seem like you don’t.

People will call you and have never spoken to you. You will ask a lot of people how they are going, what they are doing, even what their name is and what they look like. It can get to be an auto pilot thing if you are not careful.

2. Your income is never secure.

You don’t get benefits and the pay is very eratic so don’t plan for that huge cash cow. Phone sex is a dying industry. They want the cam girls. You have to work that little bit harder to even feel like you are competing.

3. There are times where you wish you weren’t on the system and could meet up with one of your callers because either they are really hot or they are really sweet.

Don’t even try this because you never know how it really is but it’s very understandable to feel these things.

4. Sometimes, you just might get a call from someone who is well-known.

If you recognise their voice, for the love of all things green and fuzzy be discrete about it. Still, the thought of a celebrity you have heard very often coming in front of you can be an embarrassing yet humbling experience. Treat it with the honour and trust it deserves.

5. You will get a lot of callers who hang up on you either after they have come or just randomly.

This is normal and is not personal. Either they have been at it for a while and don’t want to have to pay for those few seconds longer to say goodbye to someone they consider an object for their pleasure or they just plain don’t like your style, your voice, you remind them of an ex, it could be a multitude of things. That being said, it does upset you when you first start because no one tells you about it and it’s very disconcerting to have people just hang up on you like that.

6. Being honest about what you do will have fall-out with certain people.

The number of times when someone has asked me what I do and when I have told them, I have heard everything from “when are you getting a real job” to “oh, I could never do that”.

For some, this job is not even worth mentioning. For others, you are a prostitute plain and simple. You will get people who are interested and ask about what you do and you will get people who thank you and tell you you are brave. Just be prepared for all of these eventualities and then some.

Whether you are thinking of doing this job for a living or just know someone who does, maybe this post will shed some light on things for you so you can understand your neighbourhood operators a little bit better.

One of my Deepest and Darkest Fantasies

Hello my wonderful readers,

Today it’s confession time.

People talk about having dark fantasies and they involve blood or needles or wax, even sometimes breath play. Mine’s different because most people wouldn’t class it as being dark but relatively normal. Because of being an empath and having a propensity to be highly sensitive, well, it’s dark for me.

I have a fantasy of having a sugar daddy and it would be amazing to experience it in real life one day. There, I said it and I feel relieved but I’d really enjoy elabourating here so the readers can see what my version of that means because it’s a bit different to how most people would want it.

So because I am definitely a BBW, if I were to put an add out there for this, I would clearly state that. I would also state that I would be searching for someone who is either very musical, very techy/geeky or both. i would get one of my artistic friends to take a flattering but truthful picture of me and put it up where I would advertise and write a text of some kind stating that I wanted these things in a sugar daddy.

I’d of course talk to him, see what his voice does, his accent, make sure he had my user guide and would be willing to use it. I’d let him know that I am openly polyamorous, all of the things that are in the need to know basket, but I would, for the time he has me, be at his disposal on the days we arrange to meet. We would, of course, negotiate about kink and I would want him to be able to enjoy my kinks with me.

Now the interesting bit of this is what I call the sugar part of the equation. I want sugar, definitely, but some of it would be stuff that a lot of people wouldn’t have even thought about.

If I want jewellery, which I don’t normally, it would be anything from Elegant Insights Braille Creations but mostly the practical stuff although a nice sensory charm bracelet or necklace would push my pretty buttons. It’s not mandatory though and I would prefer things like luggage tags or key chains, things that are useful.

I would like him to get me clothes but I would want him to take me to where you get them and choose them with me. I have a certain style that I like in which I feel safe so I would want my new wardrobe to reflect that. I actually dress very conservatively because I know that nothing will fall out or be seen by the wrong people in those kinds of things. I enjoy having the classic look, the look that works at a party or a church equally well. Not that I go to church but clothes are not a place where I act slutty, not that slutty is a bad thing you understand.

But my biggest source of sugar would be tech. The latest Apple products, the latest phone from Google, a big audio mixer with subgroups like an X32 producer or something like that, maybe some little things like a second set of good binaurals and a Milestone or a Plextalk Pocket or Victor Reader Stream. I could even ask for a Zoom H6.

I would have to actually look very hard to find things that would count as sugar. Holidays could be a thing but only a certain type. Luxurious food and drink and jewels would make me feel more uncomfortable than anything else.

and that is why, if I were to have a sugar daddy, it would have to be a special kind of person who would understand all of this.

This was not a sponsored post.

Sudo Apt install Relationship-Escalator

I was talking to a person I love recently and the conversation inspired me to write. I need to add here that this person, I’ll call him B, is not in a romantic or sexual relationship with me.

So we chat on irc, sometimes in voice, and he’s told me about his various relationship situations. I like him a lot. he’s got a sexy voice, a wonderful brain, he’s techy/nerdy like I like and he’s very open. i have lots of feelings about him.

I check in with him, see how everything’s going, am happy when he’s around. He has also told me that he isn’t into doing sexual things in a virtual space.

We talked recently as I said and he said to me that he’s stretched thin, trying to please people, that he isn’t into virtual play. He even recommended someone who has more time if I want to pursue them. All of these things felt like he was telling me that he was not interested in a relationship with me. The thing is, I am not looking for a relationship either right now. I also told him this and it got me to thinking.

It doesn’t seem to matter how open people are, how monogamous or non-monogamous. It’s like the relationship escalator is planned from birth. First comes love, then marriage, then kids.

If you deviate from that, well, it’s like the operating system crashes and the boot disk is broken somehow. It’s like someone did a super User Do and got the app “Relationship Escalator” by default on all operating systems. You actually have to remove it and it’s got so many hooks in your system, you don’t even realise that it’s doing it until you try to remove it. Then if you have removed it, others have it and try to reinstall it because that’s what you need, right?


At least, … for me.

I have feelings for this beautiful man. Maybe they are feelings of like, love, lust, devotion sometimes, exhasperation, sadness, perhaps there will be anger one day. The thing is, I have all of these feelings and I act on my feelings.

I act on them in that I check up on him; in that I listen to him when he feels he needs to talk; in that I brim over with compersion when he is feeling NRE; in that I leave him alone when he is busy but am there for him if both of us happen to be around; in that I write music for him and give it to him, showing him how I feel without words. This is how I act on my feelings; not expecting there to be a relationship or a rejection.

I really hope he will understand me one day, understand what I am trying to explain to him, that I have removed super user access to my relationship programming from a society who will never understand how to do things differently.

The Processing Issues No-one Talks About

My dear readers,

This post is going to be a difficult one to write. I know I am going to get some people who will not understand but I will plough on anyway and at least try to make things as easy as I can.

So picture this. You have your eyes closed or a blindfold on, and no idea what is coming up next. Then a person walks into the room with a voice with the depth of Barry White and says to you: “Hi, my name is Stephanie.”

to me, a person who’s experienced this, who is neurodiverse, who is blind, this is what it feels like.

You hear the song and it is in the key of C. You know this because your relative pitch says C major, you know, related to A minor, no sharps and flats, all the white keys. But everyone is telling you that that song you are hearing in C is actually in A flat, you know, related to F minor, four flats, a mixture of black and white keys.

And your brain … goes … heywire!!!

you panic, have no idea what to expect, breathe quickly, are so scared you will fail at life. Everyone around you is trying to make you say it’s in that key but everything you know is how it is suddenly isn’t how it is. You don’t know what’s left, right, up, down, just nothing makes sense and you have no idea what’s going on.

This is not a logical response but an emotional one.

it has nothing to do with being a biggott. It’s not a lack of willingness to accept and try hard. It is simply a brain that works differently trying to wrap itself around the changes.

I love and accept when a person is trans or gender fluid or gender queer. I want to be tolerant and I want to do the right thing. I also deal with a lack of spoons or a need to process. I know with me, it’s the “what’s going on” or the “wait a minute, processing…” and not the “yuck they are different” kind of processing.

One of the places where I have seen parallels is when trying to teach people who have never met a blind person about how to do things. They are nervous, don’t know what’s going on and are so scared they wil fail at life.

Then you get the ones that deliberately go out of their way to make life hard and on those days, you just want to say “damned sighted toolbags!!” But seeing it from the other side, from the side where you are trying and they just met the toolbag and are taking it out on the next person, all I ask is to please see that there is a group of us out there who are trying and who want to be educated but are dealing with our own diversity issues and sometimes, it really does take a bit of time to process.

Thank you so much in advance for seeing, understanding and apreciating when someone is really doing their best. I will, in turn, be just as appreciative when the shoe is on the other foot.

Leading by Example

Hey everyone,

So I was washing my hands after my pilgrimage to the loo when I had a thought, as you do.

There are so many types of people who blog and there will be all sorts of disagreements about what is OK and what isn’t. The trans woman of colour, the white cis man, the democrat, the republican, the non-binary anarchist … and they were so hot too … but anyway, what I was trying to say before my imagination derailed me, was that everyone has their place in this world. People are going to think that their opposite is wrong on so many levels and I have that myself.

The thing about this is that we are all humans who need love. The republican friend with the traditional nuclear family is just as human as the non-binary person living in a polycule.

I will stand up for the rights of those who can’t defend themselves. I will try to smooth the way between opposing sides. What I will not do is say “oh, she’s white” or “oh, hhe’s thin” and think that that makes the person automatically unworthy of love. What I tend to do is to lead by example. I meet a person and treat them the way they treat me. I will give an example of how this kind of thing works in a situation that maybe isn’t so globally explosive.

There is prejudice against a lot of blind people from the sighted majority but there is also prejudice the other way. I often hear “those awful sightlings have no clue” or “I would never have a relationship with a sighted person”. I have to admit, when I was younger, I was just as prejudiced and in some ways, I still am.

I have met lovely blind people, awful sighted people, and exactly the other way around. People are going to be who they are whether their eyes work or not. It’s the same in other minorities.

this world is going mad and people are becoming artificially fragmented by having to stay in their own groups. I won’t do that. I give love where I need it and listen and learn when I can so the other points of view are at least glympsed. It does not mean that I agree with people who oppress and it does not mean that I am a “damned socialist” or a “bloody fascist”. It means that I practise diversity in that I lead by example.

The scary but necessary first post

Hey to my wonderful readers,

This is my first post and it’s going to be amazing and breathtaking and pack a huge punch … actually, I’m probably going to second-guess myself a bit and wonder if I have made a good first impression just like everyone else.

I think I had better introduce myself so the world knows what it is getting itself into here. My name is Helen. No, it is not my real given name but it is for this blog. I am what people call fat, bbw, plus-sized, large, cuddly, comfy, all of it. I am also a very sexual and sensual person. Yes, these things go together along with being blind since birth.

I am in my mid 30s and very openly polyamorous, though for the moment, still married to a monogamous person who tolerates but does not accept my polyamory. We have made agreements to live with this. Though the situation is not optimal but will be as soon as is logistically feasible.

Geeky, nerdy, techy people are the hottest thing on this earth. This is not negotiable!!

Hopefully, I’ll be able to cover everything from audio recordings of unboxing sex toys to synaesthesia to word triggers and what they mean, even the best music for play time.

Constructive feedback is welcome, trolls can find the nearest bridge and enjoy themselves there because my site isn’t there for that purpose.

Because social media is a thing, here are the places.

Twitter: @helenstoybox
Skype: helenstoybox
email: [email protected]

right, now that’s done, the scary first post, maybe I can put on some Bach, have a lemon, lime and bitters and find some hackers so I can cook them food.

Yours withlove