The Issues I Have with People Who Flake

I was on twitter just looking at tweets when something caught my ear as it were and gave me the idea for this post.

As a person who will never drive a car in the usual way, I have to use public transport. This is not negotiable. Taxis are expensive and while I will use them if I have to, the default is a bus or a train. The timetables for public transport will not care if something happens. The drivers, the conductors, the transport authority, they don’t care. They have a schedule and keep to it, especially in Germany which prides itself on punctuality.

This in turn means that if I need to catch said public transport, I stick to their schedule. There are no ifs, ands or buts about this. It means I can only leave at a certain time and return up to a certain time, no earlier, no later.

To be clear, I am not hating on people who, for various reasons, can’t make dates or appointments. If you have issues, be it physical or mental ones, that’s just how the world works. the thing is, I don’t have the privelege of being as spontaneous as a lot of people so if a person flakes in such a way that I am stuck because of transport issues, I am going to get mad.

I won’t be able to fix things as quickly and easily as someone who has a car. This is also not just a problem that I have.

If you need to cancel for any reason, make sure that you call in such a time frame that I can plan around it. Give me at least an hour’s warning if possible because sometimes, that’s how long it will take me to get to where you are.

It is, in most cases, not personal from your side. I know this logically. But sometimes, when I have to negotiate a route I don’t know because someone cancels on me, well, I get upset. I get angry. I will probably not plan that kind of date or meet-up and will plan around the possibility of flakiness by default. i will probably plan it so that it happens on my terms, in my safe place so that if the other person bails, it’s not going to be as difficult for me. Things tend to take more time when you have a disability so when someone else makes it so that time or those spoons are used up, yeah, getting mad is a thing.

So please, if you need to postpone things, just let me know in advance. I won’t get mad and I won’t put any of these measures in place if I have enough time and notice.

What I am doing and hope to do to Get to The Sexual Freedom Summit at Woodhull

I am a relatively new blogger, having started in August 2017. I have been blind since birth which gives me a slightly different perspective on everything from sex to travel to accessibility. I also suspect that I am kissing the autism spectrum but there is no piece of paper for that just yet.

I don’t normally post lots of posts but I will be in the next little bit in the hopes that it will help me to get to Woodhull. Here are the things I have done so far and after that, the things I want to do and need some help to make a reality.

What I have done so far:

Blogged very regularly so people will notice me;
been very active on twitter, following, interacting with newand old followers;
educated myself when I need to about social situations and possible goofs;
joined the #BlogSquad workspace on slack via invitation;
applied for the scholarship for marginalised bloggers;
asked for funding help through paypal.me/toyboxhelen and offered self-produced music in return to those who donate.

What I hope to do:

Keep promoting social media and the donation link;
put up sponsored posts of erotic fiction;
do the sponsorship course by Jo Ellen Notte;
write about my experiences at Woodhull on the blog afterwards;
anything else I have forgotten or don’t know about yet.

I am calling those sex toy companies who would be interested. WeVibe, Satisfier, Liberator, byannarae.com, Hot Octopuss, I am talking to you as I know you but if there are any others who would like to join in the fun, here is what I can give you right now given my huge lack of wordpress skills.

I can mention you in my stories by name and website;
I can tweet about you at least once a week until Woodhull, more with a sliding scale to be discussed with you to taylor it to your needs;
wear any murchandise you send when at Woodhull;
feature you in the write-up I do at the end when I come back.

If I total up all of the funds I will need for everything, it will come to about $2000 US on a shoestring, $3000 if given a little slack. That includes return flights from Frankfurt to Washington DC, uber/lift sharing to get to the con, food while at the con, share in room prices, and maybe a little bit of spending money while there if other things are not too expensive.

Well, that was pretty nerve wracking and probably one of the scariest things I have ever written but I’m glad you’ve stayed with me so far and I hope to hear some good news from you soon.

Review of the Queen Bee by Hot Octopuss

I’d heard it was possible that companies would send me toys to review but it hadn’t happened yet so when I was given the opportunity to review the Queen Bee from www.hotoctopuss.com I was very happy and it’s not always taken as read that that will happen. You need a certain number of followers, etc, but I was allowed and very happy to do so.

The site is extremely accessible. I was able to read everything and the pictures are described such that I have an idea of what’s there. Also, the staff bent over backwards to help me, even sending me the pictures to go with this review. (Pictures to come soon)

I opened the package and it looks like a big hairbrush with a plate instead of bristles. The buttons are clearly marked with feelable plus and minus for speed. The other buttons are nice and feelable as well. The wonderful thing about it is no one will know what it is when they see it. It doesn’t spell “vibrator”. Sometimes, that can be handy for the purpose of discretion. It has a steady rhythm
as well as six vibration patterns. It is charged magnetically over USB and completely waterproof.

The discrete looks won’t make up for the lack of discretion in the sound. I tried to give myself orgasms with it and it was rather loud and the buttons are placed such that if you are not careful, you can change things in the middle, breaking the concentration. I’ll keep trying but it hasn’t happened as yet.

The one place where it has been amazing for me has been as a massager. I’ve used it on my shoulders and back and neck and it has relaxed me so much that when I wanted an orgasm, I was able to use other toys to make that happen. Maybe I will never get an orgasm from the Queen Bee itself but the wonderful relaxation I have gained from the toy has really helped me in ways that other toys have not. I woke up the other day with a headache that promised to become a migraine if I weren’t careful but I decided on a whim to Queen Bee my shoulders and neck and the headache went away, the tention eased and I could go back to sleep and woke up feeling a lot better.

You can buy the Queen Bee from Hot Octopuss for 119 Euros. Thank you so much to Hot Octopuss for sending me the Queen Bee for free in exchange for a non-biased review.

Some Slightly Embarrassing Knowledge Gaps

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for a wonderful weekend to meet people in what I call my non-toybox life. These are friends with whom I have conversed or who I know personally but with whom I use my real name and who know me from other sources outside of the sex blogging community. We were able to sing, I cooked home-made hot chips for everyone and there was lots and lots of snuggle time. I even experienced what it was like to vape some canabis.

One of these wonderful people is a man of colour. He is the partner of a lovely, very heartful friend I have known for just over five years online but was able to meet on this trip as well. He hosted the other five of us at his apartment which is no mean feat considering he had never done this before.

Anyway, I digress. Due to never having seen, there are huge gaps in my knowledge of what people or things look like and I was able to fill a couple of these gaps while with this wonderfully tolerant group of people. One of these new experiences was afro hair.

Both of them were very excited to show me what this felt like and as they are also blind, it wasn’t awkward like it could have been. He took my hand, put it on his head and I was transported to a magical place where I had never been before. So springy! So soft! So stimtastic!! I stroked, bounced with my hand, ran my fingers through it, my goodness it was an amazing experience.

He wasn’t upset or mad or anything like that because he’s been there and understands that when you can’t see, there are going to be gaps in your knowledge.

The next one could have been trickier and I would never have asked, simply because I respect boundaries but his girlfriend told me that I had to touch his penis, just so that I would know what it felt like. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn’t want to upset either of them and I made sure I asked him if it was OK and he was alright with it so she took my hand and showed me and yes, it was a lot bigger than I had seen in quite a while. I was a little bit fascinated and found myself moving my hand by reflex before I stopped but I understood what everyone was talking about now that the gap in my knowledge had been filled.

There are truly times where I feel like these knowledge gaps are out to betray me because these are things that everyone can see but because I have never had contact in any way, I feel out of my depth when people talk about them. It’s like the world understands the big joke and I am left asking what happened. I am often scared when I know that this sort of knowledge gap is coming because my reaction will be an honest one when I finally know what it is. I try to ease this kind of awkwardness by asking people who are good at describing things to tell me about what they know but nothing will prepare me for a lot of what I will experience.

I also get very nervous that said gaps are going to come back and bite me, making me look more insensitive and ignorant than I want to be. This, alas, has happened to me more times than I can count. It’s awful for the person or people concerned, me having made some kind of social blunder, but believe me, it’s just as awful for me because hurting someone is the last thing I want in the world. I’ve even had shutdowns and burst into tears, feeling like the times when I was a helpless teenager, just scared that every next thing I say will cause someone else pain. It takes a lot of strength for me to come out of that mindset.

When I can think again after such moments, I will usually ask someone for help, someone who understands me and also the situation. I am so often more than hyper aware but at other times, totally clueless until these things are pointed out to me.

I think that discrepancy is the hardest of everything for me to manage, because it isn’t predictable what I will know and what I won’t and even now, in my late 30s, I still get caught out.

Review of the large blue Lune from Servant Sex Toys

Have you ever opened a box of chocolates expecting it to be the run of the mill can have a few at a time kind but it ends up being the fancy, only can have one at a time kind? That is what happened when I tried out the large blue Lune from the company Servant Sex Toys.

The company was recommended to me by a friend and the people there couldn’t do enough for me. They talked to me on twitter via dm asking what I needed and wanted and recommended me what they thought I would need based on our conversations. They were ready to bend over backwards to help me and the site was very accessible to use.

Customs here in Europe was a bitch and that’s putting it mildly. The company was from Canada so it was a necessary evil. They asked what was in the package, even had a look. If I didn’t have a huge humiliation kink and a thick skin, well, I know many others who would have been in tears. I also had to pay import tax on it so although the company discounted it for me, the tax took that away, something no one could help but that I would like to tell readers since I don’t want it to bite them the same way.

When I finally got it, I was shocked at the size. The large Lune is 10.25 inches or 26.04 cm long and the maximum girth is 7 inches or 17.78 cm near the base. It looks like an anatomically correct penis but instead of balls, there is a square suction surface where they normally would be. The silicone is soft and it gobbles up water-based lube like you wouldn’t believe. It is also slippery to hold so it it is probably better if someone else controls it or you use the suction on the end to make it stick to something. Otherwise you will keep getting frustrated because it just slips out way too easily.

I tried it both by myself and with someone else helping me. It feels yielding in the right ways and I enjoy having it used on me but it is one of those toys I would use on special occasions with someone else rather than just for myself. I want to relax and let go of everything when using it and that works best with another person. It filled me up nicely and the orgasms I had were similar to those with a live penis, though I didn’t splash and drip as much. Also the one I got was the soft silicone so it’s not as easy to give me those deep hard thrusts that I like sometimes unless you really know what you are doing and can handle that level of slippery.

It really feels like that fancy box of chocolates I alluded to at the beginning.

I would like to thank Servant Sex Toys for giving me the opportunity to review this toy and for making their site so accessible. You can order the large blue Lune from www.servantsextoys.com along with various other toys including ones they will make to order.

Discovering my Non-sexual Kinks

When a friend of mine said that kink can be non-sexual, I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, we hear that kink and sex go together. There’s the undertone you hear about the word “kinky” or the stories like Kushiel’s Dart or Fifty Shades.
Then I met my baby boy and things changed.

This is a wonderful, competent person who adults extremely well. He has a job which gives him a lot of responsibilities but when he’s able to do so, he lives out his identity as an adult baby. I had no idea that there was a place for me in this kink but with him, it works wonderfully from my end. I love to pamper and look after him. The thing is, it’s not sexual for me. We share other things that take up that space. He taps into my geek kink and rocks my world with it. Although we share this kink, it is more emotional and sensory than sexual. It feels right and beautiful and I get a lot out of it.

It gives me a similar rightness to when I have topped for people. i have mostly done that for work but when I have, it’s not been sexual on my end but very liberating. Topping a Sissie Girl, for example, can be very cathartic in that it allows me to let out any aggression I may feel without hurting anyone. I love giving pleasure to someone who wants to be degraded and humiliated because I like it myself and have a bit of an understanding of the other person’s needs.

I have also discovered that I really and I mean really love furries. There’s nothing more fun than roleplaying with a wolf furry or a soft kitty furry. I even wouldn’t have an issue with a baby fur and I have heard that others find that kink creepy. I turn into a puddle of mush when playing games with them and I wish it were real so I could soft out on that luxurious sensory experience that fur would bring to me.

Maybe if the right person were to come along and we had sexy interspecies roleplay fun, it would be interesting and I am not against it but my thing with furries isn’t generally sexual either. It’s the idea of being allowed to stroke such a soft sensory being and take care of them.

I am possibly going to experience some sensual flogging and impact play next week without a sexual component and I will tell how that was but one thing is for certain. I now understand exactly what this friend meant when she said that kink and sex do not have to go hand in hand each and every time.

The Looky-Look Dilemma

I’ve been reading quite a number of blogs over the past nine months or so and following sex-positive people and those who work in the sex industry before that and there has been one thing that stood out with almost all of them. Somewhere along the line, they have made money using their image.

Some take nudes and sell them, others make porn. Still others use video chat programs or web cams. People say that this is what will bring in revenue.

But what if you just are not visually aware enough to do the vid thing?

It would be amazing to be in a porn movie. It would be cool to be able to send people nudes or chat on camera with them. The thing is, I just don’t feel that I am as yet visually aware enough to pull any of that off. When I say “visually aware”, I do not mean that I don’t look good because of my size or my age or that kind of thing. What I mean is that I have no clue what my face does on camera. My movements go all jerky when I know I am being filmed. My hands even shake if it is me holding the phone. People have to tell me where to aim and so my face will have the look of concentration on it when it is facing the person telling me how to aim. Now personally, I don’t think that’s sexy. It would be like that absent-minded voice you have when you are doing something else. I look stilted and programmed and that isn’t what a person wants to see when they want to get hot and sexy.

The thing is, I have no answer to this dilemma right now because everything I would do to change it would be learned actions as well so that would look more scripted still. I could, when my situation improves, have a camera set-up which stays in the same place all the time. I could get some shots taken by a professional and sell them. I could even get nudes done without my face, as photos so people don’t see how scripted it is. But it will never be that which comes from a person who can control what their body and face are doing by looking in a mirror.

The closest I can come to this is to look at the possibility of selling audio clips, for example. They would be done brilliantly so far as quality goes but as I have been told all of my life, people want the visuals. People want to see you and anything else would be seen as second rate.

I may come up with an answer at some point but for now, it will have to stay as it is. One of the various issues I am confronted with and do battle with most days.

Update

As it has been a pretty long time since I put out a post, I think I should probably tell what’s been happening and what is likely to happen soon.

I am in the process of finishing a review and will be starting another one with a more well-known company very soon about which I am really excited. I hope it goes well and I am a little bit nervous.

I now have pictures sorted out to make the site actually look like a real blog site and less like a new install of Word Press. Unfortunately, I don’t know Word Press and don’t have the funds to get a professional to do all the things just now so I am relying on people who have their own lives, trials and tribulations and things will be done on their schedule. All that has to be done is to place things where they belong and it should look better very soon.

Hopefully, after all of that, I will have a lot more to blog about and a nice clean new spiffy looking place to put my musings and ramblings.

Please bear with me until then. I am very grateful that you hang in there and follow what I do. It’s all pretty new to me and I’m just holding on for the wild ride.

The PIV Conspiracy

When you ask people about sex, the answer to all the questions is so often Penis in Vagina. It not only is the answer but it’s the only answer and everything else gets put into the secondary box by default.

Personally, I find that modus operandi very depressing if it is the only choice as there are so many options out there. The thing is though, that was not always the case. I only counted sex if it was penetrative. I didn’t count any of the myriad of choices on offer as complete sex.

Nowadays with the size I am and the various kinks I have, other forms of sex are really starting to make a lot more sense for me and my needs. I found this out when having a mind-blowing sexual experience that was not penetrative and the penetrative part felt like how people so often count the other so-called preludes or postludes to sex.

When I found out that the person found the so-called “real sex” a non-event and wanted to remove it from the list of things we did, I found myself not really being as upset about it as I thought I would because if it meant keeping things like humiliation and impact play, I would be more than happy to make that trade.

If people discount anything other than PIV as “real” sex, they are limiting their selections so much but will have to find this out themselves. It’s one of those things you have to have experienced and having people tell you won’t have the effect that experienceing it will have.

It was a lightbulb moment for me because I had heard of this being a thing with others but hadn’t experienced it myself as yet. Now I have and it feels like someone opened a big box of treasures and said “start exploring”.

The kink that changed my life that isn’t mine

Sometimes, you hear about a person’s kink and are like “well, that’s not for me” and move on. Let me tell you about a kink that’s definitely not mine but it changed my life.

I fell in love with him because of his voice. It’s rich, deep and velvety and hypnotic. I’ll call him %Brian% in this article.

So I had no idea that when he and I decided to become a thing, that his biggest kink would be the one that scares me the most but it turned out that that was the case. The strange thing is, it never occurred to me to reject him or to reject his kink even though I was scared. It was like “OK, he’s into this, my job is to make him happy.”

Electricity has scared me since I was a little kid. Power points, lightning, that sparky sound people use to show that the power is live and dangerous? Yeah, all of that is scary. So to find out that someone I am very close to is into electrostim? Yeah, that just made me need to sit back and take a look at what I knew so far.

I have always been the type of person who thinks out of the box a little bit and so when %Brian% asked me if we could try things remotely, I wanted to see what that would be like.

I won’t tell exactly how I did it but it involved talking to him on an app on my phone while running the tones he was using for his brand of electro through my mixer on another program and playing with the levels to increase and decrease current.

This was before remotely controllable toys existed. so when I heard about teledildonics, my ears pricked up and I not only was interested but wanted it done to me. It’s one of my biggest kinks now and if it hadn’t been for conquering part of my fear, I wouldn’t have wanted to go there quite as quickly.

As for my fear of electricity, I am still very scared of receiving electrostim but giving is OK which is big and if %Brian% ever wanted to do it to me, even though we are just friends now, I would at least want to try even if trying means running away after the first tingly feelings. I want to see if I can experience the good parts that some know and love.