Sexual Harassment and Disability A post inspired by Girl on the Net

The first thing I want to say is that her experiences are very valid and she has all my empathy. None of what I have to say is meant to minimise or invalidate her post. In fact, it is what inspired me. I am so happy that she wrote what she did because when I read it, it reminded me of experiences I have had like she has but slightly different.

Sexism is probably sometimes there but I have trouble recognising it unless it’s really blatent. usually, it will be either about my weight or my disability.

The number of times when I have had to go, been busy, and people have either grabbed me, talked to me when I was concentrating, tried to make me their teachable moment when all I wanted to do was to get to where I had to go. The scarier thing for me though is when it’s disability based.

I kid you not, I’ve experienced two taxi drivers who knew that I was under their power and they sexually harassed me while I was in their taxis. Yes it was sexual but it was also about being disabled and unable to leave the taxi. This was before the taxis had apps or even Braille numbers so you could complain. You had to rely on them putting their number onto your taxi voucher and hope to all the deities that it was the right one. They played up the blind angle and it was awful to deal with and yes, I kept cool and calm while I would have loved to rage. Maybe they would have done it if I had been able to see, maybe not, but it sure made me angry either way.

GOTN asks, why did I not tell him off? The answer is spoons. You only have so many reserves sometimes and you need those for everyday life stuff. The show goes on after incidents like this and the world doesn’t care so you have to do your daily thing and then you can go home to cry or rage or do self-care things.

That feeling of “Why didn’t I say/do something?” Yeah, I know it way too well. I’ve been there so many times and I’m with all of you who have had these incidents happen in their lives and I say sometimes, you can advocate and sometimes, it’s just not possible. Neither of these things makes you a bad person, bad advocate, bad feminist, bad anything. It just means you have to count your spoons that day.

A Review of the Unicorn Horn Small Pastel Pleasures Dildo by Split Peaches

I am always happy to review new and exciting toys and the Unicorn Horn Small pastel Pleasures Dildo from Split Peaches was no exception. As with all new toys, I get a description when I read about it but have no idea what will meet me when it arrives.

My toy came together with a little key ring with S and P in this font as if Times New Roman and Cureer New had a baby. I’m not sure if the ring was a 3D representation of a split peach but it’s fun and I will probably take it with me to Woodhull for keys and such. There were also stickers and some temporary tattoos which I will also take with me and maybe get someone to put on me for one of the parties but I digress.

The site is nice and accessible and the people with whom I exchanged emails and twitter dm’s couldn’t do enough for me. The package arrived promptly and there were no issues with customs.

Dimensions: 6 insertable inches or 15 cm x 1 and 5/8 inches or 4.1275CM at the base. It tapers and twists but I am not sure what the diameter or circumference of the tip’s measurements are.

The shape feels stimtastic and the silicone is not the matt finish kind but not quite the gobble up all the lube and magnetise dirt and hair kind either. I feel the possibilities this toy can have but I imagine the next size up would have shown those to me a bit more easily. I imagine all of the ribbing and texture but when it goes in, well, I have to squeeze to feel a little bit of what I am imagining. Maybe I need to do things with another person to feel the full effect or maybe more lube or less hurry but as it stands, what I am feeling is potential and waiting on the rest to happen. I am forever optimistic and hopeful that this will change and I will talk about it if it does.

If you’d like to get one of these little sweeties, you can use the Split Peaches link on this post and it will help me out financially as well.

Affiliate links have been used in this post. This toy was sent to me in exchange for an unbiased review.

I&S LLC the Beginning

This was the result of a question I asked on twitter. So what happens if an incubus and a succubus get together? Do they cancel each other out?

here’s my take on it. It’s the result of a couple of hours of writing and it’s probably not perfect, most likely too innoocent for a sex blog, but I’m putting it up anyway.

Trigger warning ………… non-consentual scenes …………

Part 1 Lena

Lena walked through the halls of the hospital to her next patient deep in thought. She’d been doing this job for five years now and though it was an adequate solution for everyone, it hadn’t always been so easy for her.

She remembered the day when she was eleven, two weeks before her first period came. That feeling you get when nothing but chocolate will do and there is none in the house but with sex. Only, she hadn’t known what it was back then. She was lucky it hadn’t been worse, until Brent.

He was that boy in school that all the girls want but who hadn’t learnt that consent was a thing. She had tried to warn him but he took it as playing hard to get and he paid for it with his life. Up until then, she had been pale and sickly, like when you don’t get enough iron but suddenly, after Brent, all the curves appeared and the shiny hair and she was what people called a sex kitten. That was when she realised what she was. She wasn’t happy that he had wanted to take from her before she was ready to give but in the end, he was happy to be held down and used for her pleasure. He was happy to be coated with her blood until the sleepiness came and stayed.

After that, after feeling guilty that she had taken a life, after wrestling with her demons, she studied hard. There were books about how to be what she was, how to control it effectively. You just had to search for them. Every few months, when things got to critical mass, she would look for one of those guys who thought they were king of the hill and tank up just enough that they only felt they had gone ten rounds, that they were tired and extremely sated but not dead.

She had friends but most of them didn’t know about her powers. To them, she was that slightly slutty girl with the big heart who was there for them, making silly voices and telling jokes to make them laugh or giving them hugs when they were sad. If she played with someone close to her, she was extremely careful with them, making sure she took less than they would even notice, just taking the residuals from their orgasms that they threw out there by default so they wouldn’t get tired.

Then the idea came to her. There must be people in hospitals and prisons who were never going to get out of there alive. Sociopaths and murderers, people like Brent would have become later in life.

She got herself some counseling credentials, even a little bit of skill in hypnosis. She applied to go around to all of the hospitals and prisons round about and ply her trade, disguised as it was. And that is what she had been doing for five years now.

They went willingly. They knew what the alternative was. Being stuck where they were until their deaths not being able to experience outside life. After she had done it for a while, she realised that she could change her appearance at will depending on the person she was visiting and that’s what she did. Some disguises were not pleasant for her, especially when she was in the protected wings of the prisons but she knew that the alternative was worse. They would hurt real innocents if they escaped. Luckily, she was sensitive and could orgasm almost at will so that she would at least gain some physical enjoyment out of her work. Only love was missing and she doubted whether she would ever be able to find it.

Part 2 Heathcliff

Why for the love of all things green and fuzzy had his Mother decided to name him that? It was so awkward for him. It was the same every year at school. he’d get to class and the teachers would swoon and be all “Awww, your Mum loved the Bronte sisters did she?” He’d have to smile and tell them yes, she did, and that when he had arrived, he looked like a miniature Heathcliff so she had streight away called him that. Now, he would get to suffer for eternity. He decided to shorten it to Heath and that had helped until puberty came.

Heath was a quintessential nerd. he got his first computer at seven, an old one no one wanted, and he learnt to make it do what he wanted. He enjoyed getting into the depths of the machine’s mind and having it do his bidding. It was better than doing that with people, a skill he realised he had by accident. He just learnt and observed and was able to tweak a little bit here, push a button there, and computers and people alike would do what he said.

He realised he could either use this skill to help people or to hurt them and as he had been brought up by people who valued honesty and integrity, he chose the helpful path.

The problems came with puberty. As he grew, he realised that something wasn’t right. He was often unwell, listless, the growth spurts and filling out that everyone else experienced weren’t coming to him. They looked to see if it were a hormonal thing but everything there was working as it should. Then he had a class with Mrs. Drisedale.

She was that teacher you dread having. The sadist who starts the year with picking on your name and just keeps going from there. She did everything she could to make Heath’s life a living hell. He wanted to talk to his parents about it but she was nice as pie to them so they assumed he was just being a teenager and didn’t they exagerate things a bit? The other difficult thing was that his usual powers, the ones that would make people do what he wanted, well, they had become unpredictable. It was like holding onto a slippery person who would just slip through your fingers the tighter you held them.

It all came to a head one day when she told him to stay after class. He wasn’t happy about it but did as she asked. She told him to come to her desk and suddenly, she was like a tiger, trying to rip off his clothes and scratch at his skin, grabbing his face to kiss him. He had not expected this and was definitely not consenting.

All at once, it was like the door to her mind had been opened and he saw the darkness within. She was as cruel and sadistic as he had thought, in fact, she was more so. She had plans for him with which he was definitely not in accord but it didn’t matter. He felt his powers coming back in regards to her, a lot more than he had figured they ever would. He probed with his mind, felt a chink and then … there, right inside her mind to the spot where her energy was. He knew how he would have to get it out of her and though he wasn’t good with this, he knew it was going to happen anyway.

She suddenly felt things were not as they should be. Her usual feeling of complete control over her unwilling pupil wasn’t there this time. She felt herself weakening, unable to be the one controlling the encounter. He even asked solicitously if he should do the work while she enjoyed herself, a situation she had never encountered before. Because he didn’t find her that attractive, it took a lot for him to do what he had to do but soon enough, she was languid, sleepy, floppy, scared, then panicked as he finished draining the life force out of her and into himself.

He knew he had to remove all traces of his having been there and he found it was easier than he had thought. He even was able to make it so it looked like he hadn’t spent in her, an automatic perk of having drained her life force from her. It seemed that all he would have to do was wipe everything up with baby wipes and it was as if it had all been her, having a wild time in her classroom by herself and dying of a heart attack.

the one good thing that came of this horrible encounter was that he wasn’t sickly any more. He was able to finish the growing he needed to do. His parents were shocked that five feet and six inches suddenly was sixfeet and two inches with muscles and lustrous dark wavy hair. The rest, well, it still plagued him and kept him up nights. Would he ever be able to find love now he knew what he was?

He decided that the service was for him. He joined up, dealt with the sadists there by lying in wait for them afterwards, getting them to give themselves sexual pleasure and tanking up on their residual energy. They were very unnerved to suddenly be fantasising about a new recruit but they were so much in their own heads that the connection was not made and he passed safely through the ranks to where he wanted to be.

Some of his kills were very interesting. It seemed they would die without weapons. Just have heart attacks while doing things that leaders of enemy camps were not supposed to be doing right then. It was strange, suspicious but because of Heath’s gifts, it was like there was a keep away field and people didn’t enquire over much into his methods. This shocked him as much as it would have shocked anyone if he had told them but he kept it secret. Only being by himself was hard. Everyone else had a partner at home and he was alone except for his parents.

Part 3 Incubus and Succubus

They literally bumped into each other in a cafe. His green smoothie and her thickshake flooding the world, or so it seemed to them. They were both so pissed at having to forego their sweet treats … and then they touched and looked into each other’s eyes and that was it.

They knew. It seemed to happen so fast. They left the cafe, walked quickly, she booking the next available app-based room for rent as they went. They got the key, ran up to the room, closed the door, ripped off clothes, and it was like nothing either of them had ever experienced. Neither had to hold back. They could do as they liked and no life force would go away from the other. It was like having someone who would catch you when you fell, for both of them. They kissed, licked, scratched, bit, rutted, screamed, cried, it was going to be an expensive afternoon. Not only would they need to get new clothes but the matress and sheets on that bed were not going to survive.

They talked well into the night. She about Brent, he about Mrs. Drisedale. they clung together and cried, knowing that finally, someone existed who would understand. Neither had to be alone any more and both could relax with each other.

Exclusivity was never going to be a thing for either of them but they had known that going in. She had her work and he had just left the service but they decided that they would form a team because with his mental gifts and both of their physical ones, they would be able to rid the world of painful people a lot more quickly.

And thus began I&S LLC.

Things I have Learnt from Almost a Year of Blogging

In august 2017, I started the Helen’s Toybox blog and it has been an interesting ride. I’ve had a big hiatus because of visiting family but even with that, it’s been a year of discovery and I have learnt so much. I think it’s about time I shared some of those things with you.

* Content is key

It doesn’t matter if your site isn’t all full of gimmicky pics and every little thing isn’t lined up right. If you keep writing on a regular basis, even if it is just a tweet or two to let people know that you still exist, you will be alright. You can rt old posts or schedule posts if you aren’t well or new content just isn’t coming.

* The Blog Squad are lovely and here to help and yes, they are people, not big celebrities

I am still learning this myself but other bloggers are here, they remember how it was to be new, and are happy to help. From posts about how to know your worth to tips on body safe toys to offers for paid work if you have a subset of skills they could use, it’s a wonderful community and no one will be upset if you follow or ask or offer to help.

* Ask and ye shall receive

I am still new at this but I have received a lot already just because I asked. I might get to help someone with site accessibility in exchange for their product. I have reviewed toys from three companies so far where I either got something for free or I got a discount. A fourth company has something in the mail for me. I have affiliate links and even people who have used them. I am going to Woodhull this year because I applied for the scholarship. I got a transcription job and a guest post on someone’s blog because I put myself out there and this has been really hard for me to do until I started this blog. Maybe it will help me in my non-toybox life too.

* Everyone blogs differently

@girlonthenet says “nobody does itquite like you” and that is so true. Others have probably done posts similar to this one but no one does it exactly the same and having the point-of-view of various people is helpful.

* You have a subset of skills that is unique to just you

I can tell you if a site will be accessible for screen readers. I speak two languages fluently and a few others a bit more rustily. I play the piano, I sing and I have done training in audio transcription. I know a bit about phone phreaking and love to do voice-overs. I understand a bit about audio engineering, can do reflexology and hypnosis. I also have a nack of bringing the people together who would most likely get along well or could use the skills of the other person, though I don’t know what that skill’s called.

These are skills that I have and this subset is probably pretty rare. They are quirky skills to have but you’d be surprised how many people look for a subset of those skills for certain things. No matter what your skill set, someone will want something you have at some point.

Maybe there are other things but these are the main ones I have learnt throughout this almost year.

A review of the Tantus Uncut 2

I was really stoked to receive a package in the mail a couple of weeks ago and in that package was a Tantus Uncut 2. I’d never held anything from them in my hands before and the first thing I wanted to do was just to keep stroking it for as long as I could. The texture was so realistic and stimtastic compared to other dildos I have felt. With others, you can feel they are made of something else but with that one, well, it felt real. It also had that soft and hard thing that a real penis has due to the dual density silicone.

Firstly, the people at Tantus Inc were very helpful. I communicated with them via email and they were nothing but welcoming to a new reviewer. They let me know what was going on and the package arrived very quickly without any issues with Customs.

Alright, before I start waxing lyrical, I’ll do the stuff you need first.

Diameter: 1.6 inches or 4.06 CM
insertable length: 6.4 inches or 16.26 CM
Material: dual density silicone

Now, for all the feels!!!

I like to use my insertables with a clit vibe so I have both inner and outer stimulation. When I inserted the Uncut 2, it felt like it wanted to be squeezed. If I had had help, I probably would have felt like I would if it had been a live penis. I will write another post after I have had help using this toy but I think that I would enjoy it being used if someone didn’t want to do PIV or as a strapon and I would feel like I do when a flesh and blood penis satisfies me. I haven’t felt that with a dildo before and it felt amazing. I could probably squirt with this given enough stimulation and if I were relaxed enough to let that happen. I am looking forward to trying anything else given to me by this company.

You can buy the Tantus Uncut 2 here as well as lots of other toys which I can’t wait to review.

This post uses affiliate links. I was sent the Tantus Uncut 2 in exchange for a non–biased review.

So Much Going On

This last week has been full of new and interesting experiences all round and I thought I would chat about those today.

Last Thursday, I wrote my first real HTML links. I know, you might say, that’s not a big deal. But to me, the person who is known for saying “I don’t code”, it’s huge. Not only did I write them but they work. I also was able to fix them when I learnt about no follow links from @girlonthenet. That saved me from some horrible mistakes. I love how the Blog squad bands together to help each other and look after us newbies or maybe that’s “n00bs”?

I also received a toy to review from Tantus Inc and will be receiving one in the next little while from Split Peaches as well. Let’s hope that Customs over here will play nice with me this time.

There has been wonderful playtime as well, albeit virtual, with a new person. Henceforth, he will be known on here as Mr. Wordsworth. I say this because to him, it doesn’t matter what words he’s got to use for me, he says it’s always worth it to hear me come for him. He also loves the Daddy thing and I really enjoy playing with him. I’m not dating him as such but he gave me a task and I don’t feel bad or panicky about doing that task for him. He has said that I need to set aside three minutes of every day for pleasure and make it like a bathroom break. It makes me receive pleasure which is very important for me right now, especially with all that is going on. I forget to do it and then I get antsy. It feels nice that someone is helping me with all of this at the moment but I don’t have to feel obligated like I would if I were dating him. We talked about it and he feels the same. He would find the relationship thing a bit much as well so it suits us down to the ground.

He also loves the fact that I get hot about hacker speak and exploits that vulnerability at every opportunity.

I was allowed to write my first ever guest post this week for @joannesreviews about writing orgasms. You can find that post here.

On Tuesday evening, I did an interview with Gio @ConsensuallySpk from the Consensually Speaking podcast. It was rather rambly and I am hoping I didn’t say something that would offend people. If I did, it was certainly not meant to be malicious. When the podcast comes out, I will make sure that I link to it on the blog.

It’s finally starting to feel real that I’m actually a sex blogger of some description and that maybe I have something to offer the community. Yeah, I know, it’s been almost a year, but it takes a while to process these things sometimes.

Affiliate links have been used in this post. I was also paid to write the guest post by Joanne herself but not by any companies mentioned in said post.

The amazing News I Got Last Week and my Feelings About It

I was just casually reading my email last Thursday night in bed when I found the message thatI had received one of the scholarships to go to Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in Washington DC.

First, I was shocked. Like I really understand how those women feel when they get told they have won $1000 and they scream. I had never had that before like that so yeah, I understand it now.

Then I was worried. How am I going to finance this? The scholarship is $500 to put towards going and it was the difference between whether I would or wouldn’t go but there is more than that to spend on mostly the flights which cost twice that. My Mum has been a huge help and part of the money she gave me went on my actual conference ticket which was also half price thanks to the scholarship. Also a friend paid for my flight so I can pay her in bits and she has half the cost already.

The next thing I felt was excitement. After I knew that things were going to work out flight and ticket wise, I finally allowed myself a little bit of excitement. I started telling people. Reactions went from jubilation to “what is that”. Being able to tell people and to be rewarded for my passion for sex after the horror of the last weeks felt vindicating I can tell you.

When the celebratory feelings died down however, I started feeling anxious. I often miss social cues and there have been times when my exuberance was mistaken for aggression or my intensity and openness for predation. I don’t want to be seen as *that* girl, the one who can’t take no for an answer. That isn’t me and never will be me. But what if people can’t explain things and I end up accidentally upsetting or hurting people? What if a moment of being unfiltered will trigger someone? I want to show love, to play with people who understand, to finally be understood as the passionate, open, sexual person that I am. What if that falls flat even among sex geeks? Then there are the blindy issues. What about assistance on the flight or at the airport? What about getting to the summit from the 34 mile 60 km away airport I had to choose because it was cheaper? Will someone help me or do I have to get a taxi? What if I don’t realise because of not being able to read nametags or see other things that someone didn’t want to be recorded or didn’t want to interact? What if something happens and my little tiny budget runs out and I have to pay someone back because I ran out of money for food?

Those are the feelings that have been running around in my head all of this week. i have had people assure me that it will be fine, that I’ve got this, that I will have help, but I don’t know what to expect. I’ve never been to the US and it’s a completely new experience. I have also had people say they will remind me to find out about whether people want to be recorded or not which helps me a lot. I’ve been reminded I don’t have to do everything myself. It’s nice to be shown that too, since a lot of the time, it feels like I have to be responsible for so much.

I hope to be able to tweet a lot while I am there and I will be taking a Zoom H1 with me, possibly with binaurals, and lots of batteries as wel as my phone and the Zoom IQ6 microphone. Hopefully that will be enough in terms of recording equipment.

I am also promoting my music in my non-toybox life as well as letting people know about my buy me a coffee link because though a generous friend paid for my flight for me so I would have it, I am paying her back and the whole scholarship went towards paying for half of that flight. Sucks to not live in the US for this kind of thing.

Well, this post has been longer than I thought it would be but I will definitely write more when I know what’s happening. I will probably write notes when there to write a huuuuge post when I come home but this will have to suffice until that time.

The low down on my crushes and the feels that surround them

For those who see me talk about certain people on my twitter feed and are like “huh? What the actual?”, this is the time and place where people get to find out what is actually going on.

A little while back, I realised that I had eight people for whom I had intense feelings. It was a weird thought but I did write it all down and code-name them so that ifI want to write about them on twitter, I can. Since then, some awful stuff has happened and that number has been cut by a good dealbut the ones I have left, well, I can talk about them and about what happened.

My Little

I’ve had my little since May last year. We knew each other as kids but drifted apart. We got close again and now have a wonderful mother-baby boy dynamic that suits us well. It’s loose so no titles other than the ones above. We see each other in person probably about 3 to 4 times a year.

Mr. Parallel Universe

I started talking to him because of a group of geeky people I know from my personal twitter. We always got on well and sent each other wonderful hot sounds but he was a full-time carer and I felt that if I tried too hard to get his affections, it would be disrespectful towards the person for whom he was caring. Said person has since passed and a few months later, this yummy man decided to play a silly game on twitter where you dm a number and they express sexual and romantic interest in you. Well his romantic interest in me was an 8 out of 10!!! i was really overwhelmed because I couldn’t imagine that someone so hot could ever see me that way. We tend to cross like ships in the night a lot and there isn’t a dynamic yet, hell, we haven’t even met in person yet, but the feelings are definitely still there on my side. He has his name because when I first started talking to him, I said that I loved him in a parallel universe. Now, that universe doesn’t have to be parallel but he still carries that name if I want to refer to him without saying his name to people.

Anxious Furry

I met this delightful man on IRC in a safe place for poly people like me. My best friend’s ex told me the channel to go to and my friend said she had talked to this man and said he was nice. Because of that, I thought OK, maybe we will be able to get along. He has a very hot voice, a really yummy name, is military and so sweet that even Baklava can’t compete and that’s saying something. He is very shy, very anxious about a lot of things, but he trusts me so far and I’m happy to help him where I can. He calls me “hun” in this suuuuper sweet way and he knows what to do with words. We are not dating right now as per both of our agreement. He has military stuff to do and I have the move to make back to Perth. I said that he could ask me to date when we have finished our stuff and he said he would probably lose his nerve so I said that when my move was done and everything sorted out for that, that I would ask him if it were OK to date and we could be friends before and after if he says no. He said that was fine and dating would depend on consent from his other partners. The relationship would be a comet situation as neither of us want to move but I would be OK with mututal visits if that were how things would turn out.

Mr. Infosec

Firstly, His handle that he uses is the hottest thing ever. It trips my name/appelation kink in the biggest of ways. I left this situation till last. This person, I also met on IRC but in a different place. He got my attention by being trolly in a way that tripped my submissive humiliation triggers in huge ways. I caught him out playing a prank and we would message each other about music and he gave me wonderful links to documentaries and songs and he would talk to me in this dismissive way that would piss most people off but it always gave me wet panties. His views are so different to mine in a lot of ways. He is also military and he’s a geeky hacker type person, all things which I love. He is wonderful at describing vids so I understand what’s going on and he has a smile in his voice that makes you think he’s always up to something. Our situation is quite strange. He has this two week cycle thing going on where he goes dark and then comes back about every two weeks. We haven’t met in person yet and a lot of the time, it looks like we are fighting but a mutual friend says to me that he is better for knowing me. I hope this is true as I would like to think I make someone’s life better. There are a number of things we need to talk about and sort out as far as logistics go and even kink and relationship styles. We are strictly speaking, very unsuitable, but if we can sort this, we can deal with most things. He inspires me to be creative and that’s a good thing right?

There are two others for whom I have lots of wonderful feelings but we have spoken and agreed that friendship is better for our situations. Because we talked about it and I know what’s going on, things are perfect even though a lot of people say being friends isn’t as good as being lovers. One of these people even stipulated that being friends does not mean playtime is out an dthat’s wonderful for me. The other one is in love with someone who makes his life interesting like Mr. Infosec does with me but in a different way and we talk and console each other when needed.

So that’s a wrap. Maybe my twitter will be a little more demystified after you read this.

Reflections

It has taken a while but I am finally getting to a point where the mess of a couple of weeks ago isn’t so painful. I hope that it isn’t one of those situations where if I relax, the next hammer falls on my head but as I have done all I can to fix what was possible, keep away from those who feel it necessary to put me in my place in their eyes, maybe I can start to feel safe again.

I won’t lie. That really was a blow to my self-confidence because it always hurts to find out that there are people who want to be hurtful. If I am hurtful, it is either because I don’t realise or because someone has hurt me or mine first and it would be dangerous to be nice to them but that second situation is so seldom. It takes me time to realise that someone is doing something to be hurtful and it shocks me every time, even though as an adult, it really shouldn’t.

There have been good things that have happened which have helped. There are new toys about which I really should do reviews, people I have spoken to about reviews I would like to do for their companies, getting to know new people and finding out that some I know have my back, lots and lots of virtual playtime, many things to be grateful for which have slowly put me on the road to becoming myself again.

I know this is a very rambly post but sometimes, it just feels good to put my thoughts down and hope that someone may get something out of what results.

The infamous double standard, clear boundaries, and an all out rant

This week has not been good to me. I’ve usually got a lot of positive and sweet things to say to the world but I’m having a lot of trouble this time.

The reason comes to me in the form of double standards, lack of boundary definition and my openness and free-spirited sexuality being used against me on more than one occasion. Well, not quite, the biggest problem for me is that when people hear about this, the first thing they try to do is to explain to me, rather patiently, that if I had not been so free and open about things, this wouldn’t have happened to me. it is not always men who do this either. I have had it happen with women as well.

First off, if a person gives me very clear boundaries, things like “no, I am not interested” and “i am engaged to such-and-such and monogamous,” you know, that sort of thing, well, I tend *not* to flirt with them, to tease them, hell, even when they tease me even a little bit, I won’t push back on principle. i have a lot of people in my circles who can confirm this about me. my very strict code of ethics prevents me from doing this.

If I don’t get that no and the conversation has become sexual somehow and there is banter, well, I won’t know that they don’t want it if they don’t tell me. I feel very hurt when I find out that someone didn’t give clear boundaries and are saying that I sexually harassed them. i never want to use my openness or sexual freedom as a free pass to harm someone else.

It hurts more when it is someone who has been nothing but nice to me and for whom I have had feelings. Why would I hurt someone for whom I feel love, for whom, if someone were hurting them, I would go all mama bear? I wouldn’t do that. It’s as simple as that.

I also find it awful when a group of people, mostly men in this case, will talk about what they did with some girl at a big event, the blowjobs, the passing her around, the fact that she’ll do anything, hell, they even insult each other with “I just finished being blown by your Mum and she loves ass to mouth” but if I am to say that I wish I were being passed around like that, that I would play with everyone there right now, that I like being bathed in spend, just normal things for me given the topic being discussed already, that I am being inappropriate. I don’t understand this logic and I don’t subscribe to it.

Yes, I am a lot more sexual than a lot of people I know. I am a cis woman, fat and also blind. Maybe that’s not everyone’s aesthetic but it does not mean that I have less of a right than my cis male counterparts to an enjoyment of these things. They might even enjoy it more because I am not just going through the motions like some people would.

I want to be treated equally, not better, not more priveleged, not given a free pass to not be ethical, just to be treated the same way and for people to communicate their needs with me. I’m here to give love, not to hurt or harm anyone, no matter who it is.

The fact that we still have to have these conversations in 2018 makes me feel very tired, run-down and sad.