The Nazi Next-Door

I can imagine that this is going to be one of those pieces of writing which will make people think or screech. I’m OK with either as long as it’s done constructively. These are things which happened in real life. The names have been changed obviously to protect people who can’t protect themselves.

I lived in Germany for a very long time. Just about 12 years. In that time, I lived in the same apartment and had the same next-door neighhbours. There was %Steve%, %Keira% and their little girl %Tanya%. Steve was a nazi.

Tanya was a baby when I moved in and I went to their place to meet the baby and to give them a little white hat I knitted for her. Keira was lovely to me. She let me hold Tanya even though a lot of people wouldn’t do that with a new blind person. She even let me feed the baby with a bottle sometimes. Steve did his share too, looking after the little one, talking to her without any baby talk whatsoever and making sure that if she did the wrong thing, she was reprimanded when she became old enough to understand right from wrong.

I used to do a lot of things on my own. I didn’t have the help I have over here. Steve would often ring up to tell us that someone had left a bike somewhere in the cellar where we could trip over it or if he was going shopping, would offer to either bring something home for us and we pay him when he gets back or for me to go with him if I needed to do a shop. When Tanya grew old enough to read and to go places on her own, he would let her go with me and she would help me do the shopping sometimes. I would always give her something when she did that as a thank you gift.

Sure, he would make all of the references to certain things sometimes. He would talk about his views and I asked him why, as a foreigner and a disabled person, I was not seen as problematic for people with his mindset. he told me that because I was fully integrated into society and spoke and acted as such, that I wasn’t an issue. I don’t know if that’s just how his group thought or if it was representative of most people who think like that, but it’s what he said to me.

I’ve heard of how many people say they hate nazis. They wish thez would be shot. They disparage others who are around nazis. Fact is, the place I lived was good rent wise, mobility wise and transport wise. Moving was going to take too much work for two blind people with very little help. We liked our place and the neighbours were good to us. There were other neighbours who treated us horribly but that set of neighbours did a lot to look after us. yes they sometimes did stupid things like all neighbours do and there were things he did sometimes that were not OK but that was more about how he was with people when he had taken something rather than the politics factor.

If something ever happened to him, the ones who would suffer wouldn’t be him, but his wife and soon to be teenaged daughter who would miss their husband and father.

Just because I am not happy with a person’s behaviour, doesn’t mean that I hate that person. I have seen so much of this all over the place and it’s taking people down a path which is just as destructive to them as to the people they are wanting to be destroyed. I do what I can to lead by example and for me, that example is treating people like people and condemning behaviours rather than the people who display them. I’d still say this if I were condemned for doing so. Hatred hurts the hater so much more than it hurts the hated.

Latest Musings and Goings On

I’m sitting here with a huge case of Writer’s Block but as I have non-toybox stuff happening soon which will take up a lot of my time, I need to get a post down at least before that sweeps me away.

I’ve had the good fortune to be able to attend quite a few munches and meet-ups to do with kink and polyamory which have been both informative and fun. I’ve met some interesting people there and updated my private rollerdex a little bit which I love to do whenever possible.

Playtime with various people has also been working out well.

I have one person, I’ll call him DB Dude, who is absolutely wonderful with me. He listens, knows what to do, I’ve never had a play session with him where I haven’t had at least one really good orgasm, mostly two so far but who’s counting, and he does other things with me and explains concepts in a way where I am guaranteed to understand. Having said all of this though, it’s best we are playfriends. We have different relationship models and changing where we are would be disastrous for the both of us.

last week, I had to do something about which I feel both proud and sad.

I had to draw a line in the sand with someone with whom I have previously played but who is as of last week, going to be a platonic friend, at least until things get better on his end. This person is mentally convalessing. He is dealing with some issues which make his state very precarious. One misstep and it’s back to square one. That is very tiring to me and I need to have the spoons or cycles to deal with it and I just don’t right now, especially as I am more or less the only one dealing with it on this level or rather, I have been so far. This has changed due to me being firmer than I like to be and than I have ever been and while it hurts me in a big way to have to be so hard to a very good friend, I need to do some self-care in this case. He knows all of this because I have been very honest about it. I just hope he also knows that I am doing it out of love.

Strange as it may seem, I am also having a wonderful time helping to cook for my family. It’s not every day but it’s sometimes and it feels so good to be able to help out, whether it be cooking a stew for them to take to a work do or using the money assigned to them for household expenses to actually pay some of the joint bills. As I can do it over an app, I am empowered and can make this happen when I get paid. I want to feel like I pay my way and this sort of thing really helps me to feel that way.

Let’s hope that things stay as tranquil and amazing as they have these last few weeks and months and that the next few weeks are happy and interesting.

Family and Kink but Not How You Think

family and kink you say? I can hear the cogs turning right now. Sorry to disappoint you but this will be entirely different from what you are expecting.

I am currently sitting in my parents’ house with my iPhone and typing this … with the screen curtain function turned on so they don’t see what I am writing. You see, there’s this huge taboo surrounding kink happening within one’s own family and the idea that someone close to you is kinky sends most people into paroxisms of disgust with comments of “eww gross” and “I didn’t want to know” and “TMI Love”. Just to be clear. I am not talking about incest, just knowledge of the kinks and sexual practices of family members.

But what happens when a family member has to care for another family member? Does this mean that because of all of these taboos, the sexual needs of the infirm or disabled person will not be taken into account? I found out by accident that someone in my immediate family had a sexual health issue. I asked the immediate family about it and was met with a stoney silence the likes of which you have never seen and that scared me. What happens if I have to care for either of my parents? Will they ever feel comfortable telling me about these issues or will they just suffer in silence because I am family? Will they be able to engage in a healthy sex life when of a certain age or will they have to stop because family is grossed out? Will our generation be kind to our liberal parents or will we treat them like the children they haven’t been for many years? I know which child I want to be, even if I have to break through all of the taboos necessary to make this happen.

Don’t infantilise family. Show them love by recognising their adult status. Old and/or related does not mean sexless. Talk to each other because it might mean a piece of knowledge that save someone’s life. z

The Smell Thing

This is going to be a very personal post for me. It’s one I have battled with for a while and feels heavy as I write it.

The idea of smell has been double-edged since I can remember. People don’t like to use that word unless it’s associated with smelling bad. If it’s good, it’s fragrance or scent or aroma but smell_ It’s bad smell or strong smell or you smell. It’s as if people know this instinctively.

I’ve been fascinated with this for a long time. I can’t pinpoint when it started but what I call the Smell Thing has been on my radar probably since puberty. It probably started with the aftershave of the first person I crushed on and kept going from there. I like to know about it in others and find references to it in books compelling.

But it hasn’t always been easy. I had an incident at about 19 which has made things very difficult for me ever since and it’s something I am still battling to deal with. It’s hard to talk about so please bear with me on this one.

I had a partner, I call him my Lesson. Let’s just call him Burner because he was a Burner partner, though I thank the Universe every day for having given him to me to show me the lesson on never settling. He was nice enough but not on my level in so many ways and he came out with some pretty awful and ablist things. One day, it was a normal hot Perth day and I wanted to play with him. He said to me “go away, you smell like a fish factory”. I was crushed then but had no idea it was going to cause problems later on like it has done.

It was one comment from one person in all of my life. It’s stayed with me even now. I get scared when being with new people. I get scared to let people use their mouths on me. I don’t like the idea of playing without showering first. If a person starts telling those fish jokes, alluding to vulvae, it’s a surefire way to get me not to play with them. It’s not just a silly comment, it’s a battle now.

Maybe writing about it willhelp. I have no idea what I can do to make this easier. I am supposed to be this sex-positive person who educates people. I am going to be educating people who have had no prior knowledge of any of this. I don’t want to give them my traumata as well.

I don’t want to let Burner win and I know that the way I handle this is doing that but I am at the end of my options. It’s almost been 20 years since this happened and I am still dealing with it now.

For reference, no one else has ever said anything like that to me. The only thing people have said is that as a person with more weight on me, I am going to smell like person more quickly but that’s different. I use deodorant and perfume and I shower regularly as in twice daily in Perth, once in Europe when it’s freezing.

I realise that this is a very all over the place post but these types of feelings are not doable in an orderly way. Maybe someone else has had something similar and will know they are not alone with it. I don’t know if it is going to help me but if it helps someone else to know that even I battle with this kind of thing, then it is worth the heartache associated with all of this.

No, I Don’t Want To Feel Your Face!!!

Ever since I was a little person, I have been barraged with these images from Holywood and other countries where they make movies or books or anything similar where the blind person is always touching the sighted person’s face for some weird reason. Well, actually, I know the reason and it’s a purely sighted one. People who can see want to see someone’s face so it follows for them that a blind person wants to touch the same places, right? WRONG!!!!

Blind people do things completely differently. We go on your voice and what you smell like and the way you put your words. WE hold your arm when we go somewhere and can feel things from that, though it’s very discrete. I, for one, do not want to feel your face and my reasons are somewhat different to those of others.

When someone touches my face, it’s a sign of possession. They put their hands on either side of it when kissing me, hold it when pulling my hair, direct it when wanting me to look somewhere specific. It means they own me in a big way. I get off on being owned that way. It’s one of the very few physical ways to send me into subspace. Mostly, subspace is a mental or words thing but touch my face in that way and it takes me there.

If a person tries to get me to touch their face, it’s wrong on a visceral level for me. It’s too intimate. I even had a dom do that to me once and I pulled my hand away like I had touched something hot. When I explained it to him though, he got it streight away. That was extremely gratifying.

So what do you do when meeting a blind person? Just ask how we like to get to know you. We’ll tell you and nine times out of ten, it will not be touching your face.

A Review of the Chaiamo by Rocks Off

I was fortunate to attend Eroticon this year and one of the wonderful things that you can always rely on at conferences such as this is swag and lots of it. I was also able to meet up with the sponsors, one of whom was the Rocks Off Ruby Glow. Tabitha Rayne was very welcoming and couldn’t wait to show me all of the wonderful things at her table after giving me a huge hug. One of these devices was the Chaiamo Classic Vibrator from Rocks Off.

Imagine a lipstick vibe but super sized with a velvety silicone finish and the diagonal on both ends, one of which has the button. The button end has hard plastic but the action end is covered with the silicone. It’s about the size a Pocket Rocket would be and it packs a punch.

It is amazingly rumbly and Princess Clittie seems to react to it very quickly without feeling battered like would often happen with hard plastic lipstick vibes. I managed to have two orgasms in quick succession and they didn’t feel mechanical at all. One good orgasm is the norm and it happens in a couple of minutes and that is rare for a vibe.

The Chaiamo feels velvety soft to the touch because of the silicone, has a magnetic USB charger, charges for three hours and gives you three hours of playtime and has ten speeds and patterns. I’m not normally a pattern eprson but some of the wavy ones are really nice for my body type. I don’t have exact dimensions but I am guessing it is about 5 to 6 inches or 13.5 to 15 CM in length and an inch or 2.5 cm in width.

I would love to wax lyrical about this vibe. I’ve been using only this toy for most of my trip and the fact that I get quick orgasms from it has made a very difficult situation a lot easier.

You can get yourself one of these little beauties at Peep Show Toys and I will make a little bit of commission when you do as it is an affiliate link.

here is an article about the Ruby Glow from Tabitha herself as I wanted to mention the Eroticon sponsors.
href=”” rel=”nofollow”>Ruby Glow to sponsor Eroticon for third year

A Review of the Frank’s Monster by Lust Arts Fantasy Adult Toys

Last year, I was lucky enough to be given a Frank’s Monster dildo by the lovely people at Lust Arts to review and though it’s taken me a while to get there, it’s time to make that review a reality.

The Frank’s Monster is made of dual density silicone which means it is body safe. It is also very textured without being horrible to clean. It does tend to gobble up lube when used so make sure you have a lot of water-based lube on hand when using it.

For me, it’s a case of my eyes being a bit too big for my belly because I got the biggest sized one. I think I would be better off with the one a size down from that. It did feel good and girthy when I used it and I had a lovely big orgasm but it took ages to get it in right and there was a bit of tenderness after use despite lots of lube. I think if I get another one, it will be the size down and perhaps slightly squishier but not squishy enough to be bendy.

I also found the huge balls on the bottom to be a little bit difficult to hold onto, particularly with slippery lube.

I think I would definitely use and enjoy this toy if I made the aforementioned changes when ordering it for myself. I have to say, the people at the company were very accomodating and always ready to help.


Total length: 7.8 inches or 19.8 CM
Diameter: 2.75 inches or 4 CM

If you would like to buy yourself a Frank’s Monster from Lust Arts, you can get one by going to Lust Arts Fantasy Adult Toys

Affiliate links have been used in this post.

Holding Hands

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

I sit at the table and you come over to me, sit next to or even opposite me. I feel your hand as you take mine, fingers sliding over the sides and palm, pressing on parts of my hand to open it, opening my hand as if you wanted to open the rest of me. You hold it down on the table, as if you were going to restrain me and then, with all of your fingers, you explore the contours, the veritable ins and outs of my hand as if you were looking me up and down from head to toe.

outwardly, the conversation is relatively inocuous but the one your hand is having with mine is basically telling me that you are going to have me, it’s just a question of how and when.

The feel of you holding my hand down on the tabletop is like you telling me that you will use all manner of restraints on me, maybe rope, maybe cuffs, maybe something else entirely. Perhaps you will just restrain me with my own mind.

I feel you take your finger and gently and rhythmically rub my palm with it. You may as well be telling me how you are going to enter me, just remove all of my defenses and make me take what you have to give.

Eventually, you have to let go of my hand but in that oh so brief time while you envelop my fingers in your mesmerising grip, you have the power to say so much without words.

Eroticon the Sunday Last in a Three Part Series

Sunday started a little bit later than Saturday which was really nice because it gave us some time to recover from Saturday night.

After the little welcome thingy, which was smaller than that of the Saturday because Saturday was where we listened to all of our little messages that had been put out on cards on the Friday night to replace the keynote that someone had to cancel because of a family emergency, I ran along to Kink Craft again, this time to make a collar. There is nothing better than being able to make things and take them home with you. I love crafty things and being able to make kinky crafty things was one of the highlights of the whole weekend.

Lunch was quite quick for me this year and afterwards, there was dessert and readings. This was my first Eroticon so I had never experienced this but the readings were hugely hot. I mean, I was squirming in my chair listening to them. I wanted to be the one begging to come for Sir. I liked the earthiness and the differences and even hearing some voices I hadn’t heard yet.

Talking to Adam from Godemiche was great as well. He gave me some wonderful feedback about my talk from the day before as well as a lovely toy I can take home to review. I met his wife and she was a bit harried but after we stopped for a bit longer and I was able to talk a little bit of Polish with her, she went away smiling and I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

I went around briefly to check in with the sponsors again and saw Nina from Temptation Holidays. I was so happy to talk to her and though I didn’t get a holiday, I got a sweet teddy and a toat bag with some lovely things inside it. Did I mention how much I love swag?

There were two sessions at the end which were so helpful for me. The one from Molly about how to improve the look of your site and the one by Girl On The Net about growing your numbers and improving your traffic. I learnt so much from both of those talks and will be talking to Molly about getting help with visuals when she’s not swamped with other things.

All of these talks have given me things to do, concrete ways to improve things and I want to do as much of that as I can as quickly and efficiently as possible before I forget.

After the raffle, which I didn’t win, we went to the bar of the Holiday Inn for drinks and chatty times. I stayed there for a bit and after fish and chips in a 1940’s style fish and chips shop with Eve Ray, I came back and talked with a small group including Cara Thereon. We discussed the parallels between being black and being blind; how both groups have to deal with similar issues from the public; how even though we are different, we understand each other on a certain level; how different Eroticon is from Woodhull; all of these similarities and differences.

I also got the chance to say goodbye to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone and I thanked them for seeing me as a person, as a sub, as all the things. John was having trouble resisting that big long plait so I told him “It’s OK, you can pull it, I’m OK with that.” He did and it felt so good. It wasn’t hard or flashy but it was a nice little imperative that made me feel seen and gave me warmth from my head to my toes. I love when things like that happen.

It was little things like that that were the highlights of this whole trip. Just being seen, acknowledged, like the fact that lots of people commented on my velvet type cape. “Who’s the lady with the cape?” I made a statement with my clothes, something I don’t often know how to do, but it worked this time. I am thinking of wearing a velvety dress under that cape next year.

Eroticon is my place and these are definitely my peeps. I want to go back next year or even see if I can get people to come to an Australian equivalent if we can get one started. I learnt so much and got to meet so many wonderful people and do things I had never done before. I feel more in control of the living entity that is my blog now and if that had been the only thing I came away with, it would have been big enough but as it is, I came away with so much that is both invaluable and immeasurable.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.

Eroticon Saturday Part Two in a Three Part Series

After a little bit of sleep, I woke up and Girl On The Net brought me to Arlington House where the conference was being held. I got my goody bag and my goodness do I love getting swag!! It had two coffee mugs in it and I got a third one which was a travel mug. There were some paper pamphlet thingies in there too which I gave to her to give to others but there was a wonderful toat bag and even a little jar of honey. I also put my things on the buy swap sell table and though some of it didn’t sell, a couple of things did.

I had my talk after that about erotic hypnosis and differences in talking dirty. That went relatively well, although I think I needed to have a list of resources on hand for the people who were there. I will do that next time. I was amazed at how many people came to my talk and how receptive and engaged they were. I’ve never done a talk and imagined a room with no one turning up but that didn’t happen. People were interested in what I had to say and that feels a bit weird.

I promised earlier in the week that streight after my talk, I would go to visit the people at the booth where I did the 69 second challenge and got some lovely goodies. I will be working with them and look forward to that as well.

Afterwards I went and relaxed with the people from Kink Craft. Andrew and Pixie were so sweet and I was able to make a mini flogger which will have pride of place when I find a bracket to hang up my impact toys.

Lunch was really tasty and while I was enjoying it, I got to meet the person behind Lexie Mueller, with whom I had a conversation about books and who was an aussie ex pat as well, as well as Jerusalem Mortimer who has one of the yummiest voices. I was maybe a bit too enthusiastic about it but he was alright with that. I made sure I followed the person behind Lexie Mueller and will be reading all the bookies at length. No, I mean books, not horseracing.

The talk that said velvet-voiced Mr. Mortimer gave about the history of BDSM in literature was very interesting as well. I had heard of some of the aspects but not all and it was telling that even back then they tried to remove it from the history books but didn’t succeed. The hug I got at the end was really nice as well.

There was a panel after that with Molly, Hyacinth, Kayla and Marie about how to make and participate in memes and I learnt a lot from that. I will be participating in a lot more memes from now on. I even have a picture for Sinful Sunday.

Kink Lab was interesting. i wanted to know if electro play was something I could get to enjoy with practice. Turns out, it really isn’t. One tiny tingle with the slowest setting and I was almost in tears with fear and sensory overload. The fact that there is a kink where I will have to say no to people, where I will have to draw a hard line, that made me want to cry. I know there are some I have always said will do that but feeling it, being confronted by it, well, that hurt inside. I need to actually grok that being a people pleaser will have its down sides. Knowing it and experiencing it are completely different things.

I went away from that to see the table full of kinky implements including pervertables. A mini cricket bat, a cheese board, a claw for pulling pulled pork, a derm abrasion roller thingy. All these things can be made into kinky implements. Michael might be making misery sticks next year so that will be interesting.

After some yummy food and a stop at my airb&b, which was absolutely brilliant by the way, I went to the Saturday night social. It was loud and there were lots and lots of people there. I found it difficult to socialise for most of the time but there were a couple of highlights.

I was seen as a sub!!

OK, so the person who saw me had had a bit too much to drink and was slightly impaired judgement wise, but he actually saw me. he took my hand and talked to me but there was this underlying conversation going on as well and that is rare at places like this. There was a feeling of wanting to obey so badly and I knew it for what it was and I didn’t necessarily want to be obeying *him* but it felt so good to be seen and validated as the submissive I am rather than blind first or fat first or something else that prevents people from seeing me as I am in my natural state so to speak.

I was able to sit and talk to and be scratched by a lovely man in the lobby bar of the Holiday Inn!

We talked for a while, acknowledged that we got on well and if things were different, maybe there could have been play of a different kind but it didn’t have to happen. He saw me as well and that was enough for me. He scratched me, just on the arm, but my wow did that feel so good!! He saw how it turned me into a begging subby mess and I enjoyed that level of play more than if there had been a marathon sex session.

After such a wonderful day, it was going to be hard to top it. More about that in part three.

I am linking this post to Eroticon Aftermath so that everyone can see.